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Post by ghost on Dec 27, 2006 15:11:27 GMT -5
well, we all here will have different stories about what ad is to us.. but i think we will all share the feeling of disconnect we often experience among our fellow humans.. and i've found we all talk about the same hopeless crater, abyss, or place of depression we find ourselves in so often.. i don't know if there's a cure for that.. but what i do know is that is has helped me get through my days in that crater by being able to talk to other ad's who really know what i'm talking about.. with some it comes from an adoption history, or an ill or absent parent/caregiver, i've heard of ad resulting from babies who were in an incubator away from human contact.. even babies with perfectly wonderful attentive parents who couldn't alleviate their collic can have ad due to their early learning that their distress would not be alleviated.. it's like we learn early that comfort will not come.. a feature in my ad is something i became very aware of by about the age of 10.. that was that i seemed to be attaching to teachers, parents of other kids, people that never knew that i had formed this emotional attachment to them.. it continued all through my life and has been a continual heartbreaking saga to go through over and over, replaying this kind of rejection from people i never even told.. i've heard many with this same story.. i've been in therapy many many years of my life, but nothing ever touches the place that i've come to realize is called ad.. i was never diagnosed rad as a child, so i just call it ad now.. in my case i had a working mother and was left in the care of my suicidally depressed alcoholic father after a nervous breakdown forced my mother to go to work.. he was highly sedated besides his drinking & depression.. and it resulted in what is my ad and agoraphobia.. i am the highly fearful/avoidant type in tests.. but i am able to talk to people online at least.. well, feel free to talk about your stories of ad here.. we are all on a spectrum i believe.. ghost
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clover
Member in Good Standing
Posts: 54
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Post by clover on Feb 2, 2007 16:11:17 GMT -5
Hi ghost, I can relate to many of your ad issues. You explained me exactly in this-- except that I started being aware of it in 1st grade--about age 6---: " i seemed to be attaching to teachers, parents of other kids, people that never knew that i had formed this emotional attachment to them.. it continued all through my life and has been a continual heartbreaking saga to go through over and over, replaying this kind of rejection from people i never even told.." heartbreaking-- that's it for me too. That must have been hard for you to be with a parent that was probably not able to care for you in the ways a child needs. I was told by an older sis that I was not attended to by my mother-- I was child #7 and not planned or wanted. My big sis was 13 when I was born and tried to take care of me when she was around..... the problem was, she was in school and stayed there late many days so she didn't have to be home with all the chaos. My mom is believed to have Borderline Personality disorder and liked fighting and drama, and my dad had a gambling addiction so -- they fought a lot mostly during my first 7 years of life(I've been diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood-- there was also other traumatic things going on......) after that my mom had health issues that I think mellowed her a bit and she gave up on my dad being reformed from gambling. My big sis got married a week after her high school graduation, and moved 1500 miles away- I was 5 then and more on my own than I'd ever been-- though how much care can a teenage sister really give to a little one....... so I started to secretly attach to teachers, and neighborhood friend's parents. I wouldn't let them know though-- as I feared they wouldn't like that idea and push me away. I was always there to please in anyway I could. I thought if I was the "perfect" student, or neighbor girl they would love and care about me. Through the years..... this "perfection" drive has taken a big toll on me. I don't have a single 3-D friend at the moment, I fear they will tire of me and leave me so it's like "why bother". I can't stay at a job long, I pull away if feeling like someone has expectations of me-- fearing if I make a mistake I will be thrown out like the trash..... so I avoid, to keep that from happening. I have a job once again and have been there for 11 months!! My record so far is 2 years-- but 11 months is pretty good for me and maybe I can make it past my old record of two years-- I'm hoping. Wow-- this is way longer than I usually write..... I better stop here. Thank you for giving me the chance to tell a bit of my story. take care all, clover
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emma
Full Member
Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Feb 2, 2007 18:40:32 GMT -5
Hi Clover,
Like ghost, I attached to other adults (always women). I became aware of wanting someone else (in place of my mother) when I was about 2 or 3.
You wrote:
....... so I started to secretly attach to teachers, and neighborhood friend's parents. I wouldn't let them know though-- as I feared they wouldn't like that idea and push me away. I was always there to please in anyway I could. I thought if I was the "perfect" student, or neighbor girl they would love and care about me.
I have done the same exact thing! I know how painful it is. I also am in therapy and I tend to like to talk about that.
Incidentally, I am the yougest of 7 and there is a 15 year gap between me an my oldest sister who was the first person I ever remember adoring. She moved out when I was 3.
Welcome, Emma
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Post by ghost on Feb 2, 2007 18:45:52 GMT -5
clover.. 11 months at your job is a real success.. i never lasted more than a year at any job i had! and i did well, i just felt like i simply had to get away.. i had 2 older sisters.. one tried to take care of me the way you describe with yours.. she was 8 when i was born.. and the other sister came down with schizophrenia which is chronic.. she still has it even today.. how heartbreaking that your sister moved so far away from you! i also have some ptsd symptoms.. due to the chaotic family environment at my house.. alcoholism and mental illness.. i'm always vigilant for the next insane crisis.. everyone here will sure understand the attachment feelings that haunt you.. the ongoing ache that goes along with that.. i hope that it helps to know i also have no 3D friends as you call them.. i can only manage it online where it feels safe.. i'm a perfectionist too.. which led me into years of eating disorder.. and my son and i both are mild ocd.. not too bad a thing if it doesn't intrude too much.. with an a.d.d. husband i'm a perfect match! ghost
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clover
Member in Good Standing
Posts: 54
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Post by clover on Feb 5, 2007 14:41:58 GMT -5
That's really something how the three of us have all tried to attach ourselves to -- a mother type-- figure! Emma, gee, that's amazing that you are youngest of seven also! My oldest sibling(sister) and I had 18 years between us--- but she is now deceased. All of us offspring have various disorders, my oldest sister did much self-harm and refused doctor's care, which ultimately resulted in her death. Anyway, I could go on and on about all of us.... but that should probably be another post. Are you still close with that oldest sister? I wish you the very best with your therapy-- it can sure be tough. (I've quit, once again--*sigh*) Ghost, So sorry you have employment difficulties too. So you feel you have to get away...... mine is more like I have to leave before they decide they don't like me or the job I'm doing. I try very very hard to be the best worker... I've even gotten awards--- you'd think that would convince me that I'm capable-- but somehow, that familiar anxiety of rejection engulfs me and I'm running from the possiblity of mental pain...*sigh* Oh dear, and you've experienced PTSD also..... I can sure relate to this: " chaotic family environment at my house.. alcoholism and mental illness.. i'm always vigilant for the next insane crisis.."..... yes, that sounds very familiar. Gee, you don't have any 3-D friends either? I thought I was the only one! Thanks to both of you for your replies to me--- I don't feel so alone-- that feels nice-- thank you. clover
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Post by ghost on Feb 5, 2007 16:41:25 GMT -5
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Post by Lost on May 19, 2007 23:28:38 GMT -5
Hi Clover, Like ghost, I attached to other adults (always women). I became aware of wanting someone else (in place of my mother) when I was about 2 or 3. You wrote: ....... so I started to secretly attach to teachers, and neighborhood friend's parents. I wouldn't let them know though-- as I feared they wouldn't like that idea and push me away. I was always there to please in anyway I could. I thought if I was the "perfect" student, or neighbor girl they would love and care about me. I have done the same exact thing! I know how painful it is. Same here. I tried to attach to teachers in school. Never friends' parents though. Probably because the only kid in my neighborhood my age had parents as dysfunctional as my own, so even as a kid I realized I didn't need more of that. I still try to attach to mother figures, or in my case older sister figures. My older sister was more motherly to me than my mom, so I'm always seeking out women a few years older than me and not my mom's age. Of course I'd never let them though. They'd run away screaming and I can't say I'd blame them. A 30-something year old woman, still wanting a mommy. I'm pathetic. I've also spent a fair amount of time chasing or day dreaming about father figures. It seems I crave the mother figure more though. My mom started having kids young and I think she felt "stuck" in a life she didn't really want. This was before the days of birth control and women's rights. She ended up having 5 kids but only treated 2 of them like she really wanted them. Guess what, I wasn't one of the wanted ones. She was verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful, though I don't know if she realized it. I'm almost certain she was raised the same way. My dad was physically and verbally abusive to the older kids, especially my older sister/mother, but when us younger two came along, he never touched us. He wasn't the type to give hugs and have long talks with his kids, but I really think he loved us more than my mom did. He had a physically abusive dad himself and I think he was just repeating what he learned. My mom, whether she admits it or not, really only wanted my brother and my younger sister. They could do no wrong growing up and the rest of us did everything wrong. I started out with a close relationship with my younger sister. She was not even 2 years younger than me so we did a lot of things together. But by jr. high and high school, my mom was treating her so much better than me, it drove a wedge between us. And guess what, I see my sister repeating the same thing with her own children. She has her favorites, so I try to make up for it with the one whose not her favorite. I hope I'm doing a good job but being so screwed up myself, I don't know. The one thing I could always turn to for love as a child was the family dog. We had several dogs growing up and none of them ever belittled me or ignored me. That probably explains why, when I run into a friend I haven't seen in a while, it never crosses my mind to hug them and if they hug me, I feel totally awkward. But if they have their dog with them, in less than 5 minutes I'm on the floor letting the dog slobber on me. That happened just today. Sometimes I think it's sad that another species had to show me what unconditional love was. Then at the same time I'm glad for it. Many people with AD never even had that much.
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Post by Lost on May 19, 2007 23:38:57 GMT -5
I just wanted to clarify when I said my dad was abusive to my older sister/mother, I meant my older sister who was my mother figure. He was never abusive in any way towards my mom. But he sure was to my sister and to our dog.
Once sort of recently my mom was going on about "poor" people and how they just need to "work harder." I told her that was easy for her to say. She got to keep all the money she made at work for herself and my dad paid all the bills. So she didn't understand what it was like to try and make it money wise all on your own. She then made the remark women shouldn't have children without marrying the father. I pointed out that maybe the father was fit to be married to, that with some of the stuff my dad did when we were growing up, she should have either left him or demanded he get help. Her answer was, "well, he never hit me." Of course I'm glad he didn't hit her, but that's all the more reason she should have stepped in when he was hitting my sister or kicking the dog. I don't think he would have EVER hurt her.
Sorry for rambling. It's just nice to have an anonymous place to vent. For once I don't have to pretend my family was normal.
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Post by ghost on May 20, 2007 1:10:12 GMT -5
hey lost.. welcome! i was just relating to what you wrote.. i'm the same as far as mother or older sister figures.. but the first psychologist i saw happened to be an older man.. and i went through a whole 'father figure' phase at that time.. but before and after that it has always been mother/older sister.. also.. i have the same awkwardness about hugging.. my family was not physically affectionnate and i'm used to that.. i like hugs from my husband, but at the same time i realize most of the time i kinda shrug them off a bit? ;D i don't know why? and i never think to hug anyone else.. if i thought to i still wouldn't.. i'm chicken! i have a grown son that i used to hug when he was little.. and i owe that to my two young nieces who sorta got me used to hugging when they were little.. they hugged me all the time.. and i passed it on to my son.. he learned to just come to me for hugs and still does that to this day (he's 18! i consider that a success.. haha!) and i'm agoraphobically shy.. but what you say about dogs is the same as me with kitties.. if it wasn't for bonding with my cats as a child i'd probably be some kind of disconnected sociopath.. i've literally seen a strange kitty down the block and waved and cried out 'hi!' and had them come running to greet me and get petted just like we were old friends.. it's like they somehow know i love them? i've often thought if somehow i could see humans like i see cats, i'd be just fine! take care, ghost
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Post by BeautifulNothing on Nov 10, 2007 22:42:04 GMT -5
wow, i never knew there were other people that felt this way, this is completely validating...i dont know what really happened in my childhood, but i know that probably since 2nd grade, i have felt this insanely strong emotional attachment to people that hardly knwo that i exist...wow, this is amazing, i am not alone.... thanks everyone
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Post by ghost on Nov 16, 2007 13:43:15 GMT -5
you guys may have heard me mention toxic? as in 'toxic is the little sunday school dropout that lives in ghost's head..'? i have had a toxic inner child right along with me the whole way.. i say toxic because the unmet needs she had so early on have a toxic effect on my life.. poisoning or tainting the rest of my life.. it's a term straight out of john bradshaw's book/lectures 'homecoming: reclaiming & championing your inner child'.. pete, i know you know how right on bradshaw is.. i wonder if you've ever read this one? he did an excellent pbs series back in the late 80's on it full of exercises.. as he did on 'the family' book.. anyway.. a psychologist once told me my eating disorder originated at the earliest moments of my life when i was being held & fed by my sick father and looking into those thorazine medicated/drunk eyes.. and bradshaw pioneered the whole idea of finding that lost little kid right where things started to get screwed up and devised exercises to help him/her express themselves to let us know what they need.. when that crying needy baby part gets what it really needs suddenly we feel soooo much better.. but we have to figure out which stage of development and how to reach that inner child and reparent it ourselves.. it is all about what you've been mentioning, pete, about not being able to take care of yourself? i used to spend half of my therapy time talking with my amazed therapist who kept trying to get me to pay attention to how i felt physically, because i'd grown up so used to just putting up with pain and fear and stress that i ignored it.. i never even noticed injuries, illnesses.. just ignored them.. ignored how stressed i felt until it came out as massive panic attacks & migraines to get my attention! if our needs are ignored by our caregivers we learn then to ignore them ourselves.. if we look into the eyes of our parents and do not see ourselves reflected there (only our parents own unmet needs) then we don't feel attached to our own existence at some level.. how can we take proper care of someone we can't feel or don't know? anyway.. it might be a good time to delve into another bradshaw book, pete? it also explains the magical thinking/fantasy we get into.. when we can't just accept the reality of another person.. our inner child is magical thinking by nature (santa claus, monsters, etc).. it keeps imagining a golden figure to come love us.. and we keep getting so disappointed because our expectations were so off.. it's good in that it is the part that gives us hope & faith! but we need to be aware of our little toxic self in there and what he or she is up to.. anyway.. just wanted to pass that on.. bradshaw really is good.. ghost (& toxic) ;D
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Post by ghost on Dec 18, 2007 13:39:50 GMT -5
i'm a mom with a grown son.. but sometimes like lately when i'm in physical pain lying awake half the night.. i have this awful feeling like i'm alone in the universe.. like i'm just still a motherless child. nothing ever touches this feeling.. i'm always that kid. that is what ad is to me.. ghost/toxic
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