Someone who understands

[LonelyLena]

Hello,

I am happy to find this forum and I hope it helps bring me some comfrot. I believe (in fact, I'm pretty sure) that I have some sort of attachment disorder. I've had a very good life and have been lucky to have such a nice and caring family. However, I am not emotionally close to anyone except maybe my younger brother. Both my parents are good people, I've never been abused, no one in my family has ever had a drug/addiction/alcohol problem. And sometimes this makes me feel as if I have nothing to complain about. My mother has always been emotionally closed and unavailible. 99% of the time she is happy and I have only seen her cry maybe twice in my life. She is a good and caring person and I know she loves, but in the only way she knows how. I am currently 19 and for a long time I have craved affection from another woman (a mother figure). I would attempt to get close to women I felt would be a good mother, but then I would freeze up. Because of my age, I feel embarassed about having the need for motherly affection. Can anyone relate? Thanks in advance.

[ghost]

LL,
welcome..

i just turned 42 and i'm still in the same boat..


yeah, it feels really awkward to still feel like i need the kind of mom i never had, even after having been a mom myself! (i tried to do so many things different with my own son who is now grown himself.. 18 and in college and we have a great relationship..)
but what we have come to fondly call here 'the ache' just never seems to go away..

read through some of the threads and you may find you are not at all alone..

ghost

[LonelyLena]

Thank you, ghost and Pete, for your quick and thoughtful responses. Yes, I do believe my mom was distant while I was young. My grandmother (her mother) came down and took care of me for about 3-6 months while my mom finished up working. I think that might have something to do with my AD problems. Also, my Aunt (my mom's older sister) once recalled how as a child she felt the need just to be hugged and asked me if I ever felt that way. Of course, I had but could not tell the truth beause my mother was right there! I feel that if my mom found out about how I feel it would hurt her deeply. I think she might even be aware at her lack of physical affection. Despite my efforts to try to forget about it, I cannot get rid myself of the desire to have another chance of being loved by a mother figure. Someone to just say "I Love You" and hug me every now and then.

[LonelyLena]

You are exactly right. There are different kinds of love: romantic, familial, friendship etc. And having any amount of one cannot fill a void for another. I think I have some pretty great friends and I'm pretty sure that they love me, but it's not the same. The love I have for my brother is not the same as the love I would have for a mom. I used to think (and still sometimes do) that if I had had a sister, maybe I wouldn't feel so unloved. Maybe, she could have been a motherly figure to me. At times, I feel robbed of any chance of a close relationship with a woman because I don't have a sister, or any cousin close to my age. I am the oldest on my dad's side (except for my one cousin who is mildly retarded) and the youngest on my mom's side except for my brother. Not only do I envy people who are close to their mothers, but also those who have sisters etc. I just think that if I had a friend who understood, things would be better, but I don't feel like I have a chance.

[emma]

Hi LL,
I've been travelling for a few weeks and just stopped by a Library with wireless, so here I am.

I wanted to respond to your feeling too old to want a mother. I'm 43 and I feel it 24/7. Since I began to face this (about 3 years now) I've at least stopped feeling embarassed about wanting love from a mother figure. The feelings are real, it is not my fault that I have them and I am not weird for having them. These are things I feel certain about, so I let the embarassment of it go.

You mentioned something about having a sister as a means of alleviating some of the pain. I have 3 older sisters and although those relationships are fine, they do not address these feelings at all. I did have a friend that touched these emotions and predictably that relationship ended disasterously.

I think I'm beginning to consider the possibility that I will never have this relationship and all the love that comes with it. Here I sit in this tiny library surrounded by people and the easiest thing I could do now, having just written that, is cry. This "thing" is the deepest most meaningful part of my life. What cruel irony. What touches me deepest is what has never and will never exist in my life.

I suppose that sounds pretty hopeless, but I must have hope because I keeping working on this with a loving therapist. We go through it all over and over. We battle, man we really do, but we stay together. She says that our staying together is what will create the healing.

Anyway, I hope you do not feel embarassed here and I hope you continue to work on it. It seems like, from all the experiences I have read about here and other places, this does not go away. You are only 19 and you already have insight. That has got to be good for you.
Best,
Emma

[LonelyLena]

"What touches me deepest is what has never and will never exist in my life."

This totally makes sense to me, and is what hurts the most. It is sad and comforting that other people feel the way that I do. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful responses. I hope to learn a lot from this forum, and I wish everyone the best of luck in finding love and peace.