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Post by Coyote on Jan 12, 2008 20:46:40 GMT -5
I frequently suffer severe anxiety attacks whenever my girlfriend talks to, mentions, or spends time alone with other men. I'm twenty years old, and my mother walked out on my family when I was nine. I'm desperate for some relief from these episodes. I can't stop myself from developing the most ridiculous conspiracy theories that relate everything she(my girlfriend) does to her secretly cheating on me. It's damaging our relationship, as well as my own peace of mind. Can anyone offer any advice as far as things that help to calm them down when these attacks occur? Any kind of assistance would be useful. Thanks.
-Coyote
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Post by ghost on Jan 12, 2008 21:29:30 GMT -5
wow, coyote, trust is like our biggest baddest mother of all issues here, so i know others will relate.. i had horrendous insecurities early in my marriage along the same lines, the anxiety made me physically ill and practically regressed me into some kind of mini catatonic state.. with me it turned out to be all for nothing.. fear speaks so loudly.. do you have moments where you truly believe she loves you? listen to them if you do.. if she were really cheating there will be serious inconsistencies, an absence of those good moments.. try to listen to the other feelings, not just your fear.. if you can.. but i won't minimize how hard the feeling is to bear.. do you have a therapist or any trusted person to talk it out with to get an objective opinion? just to get it out of you helps.. or have you brought it out in the open with her that you have this worry? in a non-accusatory way? i took tranquilizers for too many years for my anxiety/panic.. & i don't recommend them.. they barely work and only for a short time, then they just become a problem.. but anything you can do to place the fear back where it belongs, to write in a journal about the whole scenario of your mom leaving, for example, in all the detail you can, could start to place the panic back into it's proper and appropriate context.. you are not unreasonable to feel what you do, it's just being displaced.. our partners helps us finish our unfinished business whether we feel ready to or not.. take care, and i hope others here can help be a support for you too.. welcome.. ghost
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coyote
Welcome Newbie
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Post by coyote on Jan 13, 2008 0:15:43 GMT -5
Thanks, Ghost, I really appreciate your reply. I have spoken with her about it, and she's pretty understanding. Unfortunately I don't have anyone else to talk to, really. It's strange, because during the attacks I'll be sitting there saying to myself: "This is irrational, I know she wouldn't do that, she cares about me, this is just my personal issues being aggravated", and it still just takes over all of my thoughts. I do write my feelings down, and I've spent considerable time trying to work out these issues. At this time in my life, my mom and I are actually pretty close, and I have no trouble with her. It seems that no matter what my level of awareness is or how rational I try to be, the panic just takes over. I had the same problems in an earlier relationship, but I reached a point with her where I virtually stopped having attacks. It seems that with my new relationship it all came roaring back.
-Coyote
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Post by ghost on Jan 13, 2008 18:17:30 GMT -5
yeah, i was thinking about how you were saying you 'knew it was irrational', coyote? i'm one of those old john bradshaw devotees, so i see us as having toxic inner children inside of us.. i even call mine 'toxic' as a nickname all the time.. they're not really toxic as in 'bad' .. they just carry old feelings into our present lives and taint it in way.. that's how it's toxic.. and it's not irrational in it's original context at all.. it's just your adult self and your inner kid (cub?) battling for control in that moment.. your inner 9 year old had the rug pulled out from under him and never wants to get caught feeling so unprepared and off guard again.. who can blame him? you need to calm him down with reassurance from your adult side all you can.. whatever it is you figured out you needed when your mom walked out is what he still needs from you now.. you may be instead treating him the way someone else treated you at the time that didn't help? does that even make sense? it's really ideal that you have an understanding girlfriend and have a good relationship now with your mom.. i'm so glad for you.. and you yourself do not seem defensive over it, that is admirable.. because that kind of defensiveness with you or her is what can do the damage, i think.. but in another sense, you may feel guilty if you have any feelings of anger or blame toward your mom since now things are really good and you feel loyal/protective? it's ok to feel disappointed with the ones we love, they will not break because we do at times.. abandonment leaves a scar.. on all of us. take care, fear not.. these are safe/virtual hugs! sometimes us ad folk are scared off by these things.. lol ghost
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coyote
Welcome Newbie
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Post by coyote on Jan 14, 2008 6:16:40 GMT -5
You know, it's funny that you mention the "inner child", Ghost, because often when these attacks are occuring, I'm reminding myself "you're not nine years old" over and over again.
And thanks, Thumper, for your support. It means a lot just to know there are other people who can relate.
Ghost, you mentioned inconsistencies that would be obvious if there was dishonesty in my relationship. What exactly did you mean? It would be nice to be able to say "well that's definitely not happening", or kind of go down some checklist to really ground myself each time.
I actually had a pretty bad attack the night I first posted here, and when my girlfriend finally came home we had a fight. I became upset that she didn't totally understand, and I should have realized that it is probably very difficult to have to worry about everywhere you go and every one you talk to. And we kind of have ways of dealing with conflict that really don't compliment each other well. When she gets upset she totally shuts down and clams up completely, and just becomes extremely defensive and argumentative. When I get upset I feel a huge need for support and openness, and so..... But she's doing her best to understand. Any suggestions for how I might make it easier for her?
Ghost, I don't really feel guilty when I have negative feelings about my mom. Our relationship is good, and I do forgive her, but those feelings come back once in a while, and I don't get too caught up in it.
Thanks for all of your advice and assistance!
-Coyote
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Post by ghost on Jan 14, 2008 14:14:53 GMT -5
coyote, you know.. my hubby & i just had our 21st anniversary two days ago.. (actually 26 yrs total.. we have a college age son now..) if you had asked me early on, i would never have believed it.. my insecurity drove me to expect certain disaster.. what you need is a friend/relative/someone you know who can be objective who knows your girlfriend enough to help you with this.. to talk to.. (obviously i don't mean someone who you know has 'issues' that would bias them..) but just someone on your side.. you know? it seems like when someone is really in actuality 'cheating' that others around are able to see it first.. i'm not a pro, i'd have to guess at a checklist, but right off, as a female i think it's pretty hard to split yourself up between two men without it showing.. somewhere there'd be long unexplained gaps of time where you can't locate her.. and a definite change in how you are being treated/loved? i don't mean just the garden variety kind of change that just happens over time of being together, but a sudden change..? but i would focus more on discussing your concern with her, rather than making a list.. letting her know that you don't want to lose her, rather than making accusations.. so that she can reassure you or together you can find ways to work on trust.. have you ever thought of talking to a therapist? even together? in the interest of strengthening trust? or to help you individually with the self esteem/confidence aspect? but i have to tell you, even after all these years, if my o/h seems friendly with another woman i still get insecurity pangs.. even when i've had it proven to me forever that he's not going a n y w h e r e. hang in there! ghost
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