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Post by sleepflower on Dec 11, 2007 10:16:05 GMT -5
God, Thumper, I really understand. I gave up SI for eight years once. Not smoking much is good, and thinking about the bad points of it as you sound to be doing is good too. Deciding that you want to give up is hard too. In fact, nothing about giving up smoking is easy: I repeat, you are not a failure. Take it slowly and go easy on yourself.
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Post by ghost on Dec 11, 2007 12:44:25 GMT -5
wow thumper, i so get that.. i used to be so agoraphobic the only way i found i could go out to special events or family gatherings was if i took my video camera with me.. it kept me focused away somehow and people kinda left me alone just a bit since i was taking the home videos! it was my great crutch! disneyland, xmas, etc.. i panic if i cannot leap out a door when there are p e o p l e the real trick here isn't trying to quit cold turkey, since that habit is serving you real well.. it's trying to come up with another habit to replace it that gets you out when you need to but doesn't cost your health.. wouldn't it be nice to have a cel phone that you could program so 'ring' whenever you chose so you could excuse yourself to 'answer' it? i'll keep thinking on this one.. 10 years! that's great, that's just another 10 years of healthy lungs.. no one can take that away.. you'll make it eventually.. ghost
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Post by exiledempath on Dec 11, 2007 21:03:01 GMT -5
hey thumper, quitting smoking sounds like one of the hardest things a person can try to do. sorry you're having such a tough time right now. try not to be too hard on yourself
you'll be in my thoughts
stephen:)
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Post by ghost on Dec 13, 2007 13:33:56 GMT -5
mandy, please don't let your mom's ridiculous denial be a reason to keep up disordered eating behaviors.. you have your head on pretty straight and have alot going for you despite the fact that you haven't had her support.. please keep looking for answers and support/help... it may surprise people but even when i was about 105 lbs. (and i'm tall at 5'9") no one would say anything to me except strangers. even my hubby pretended he was blind even when his coworkers took one look at me and ran to him saying i was going to die. my mother would say insulting things about how ghastly i looked only behind my back and i'd hear about it roundabout.. denial is huge and no one confronts it in some cases.. in other cases too much attention is paid to it.. it depends on the family.. it sounds like your gramma was trying to say the right thing, but what is the right thing when we have this issue, you know? it's sad your mom doesn't take it seriously. it is scary, because it's one of those situations where what will it take to be taken seriously.. my psychologist said i was so invisible that my crises just kept getting worse, raising the bar, because each bar was invisible.. don't pay the cost of this kind of self destruction.. take yourself seriously and make yourself the most important thing, no matter how horribly disappointing others are.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Dec 27, 2007 20:29:21 GMT -5
ah.. the after xmas crash.. depressionfest here i come.. i gained weight with all this food around.. ug! still getting the daily hate at my youtubes.. feeling like a holiday orphan and letdown like always.. isolation is a killer.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Dec 28, 2007 22:05:33 GMT -5
sometimes we cant do anymore then make the people, who are around us, happy...because of the way things are....i have to think that way because if i step outside it, to what my brain thinks should be happening....it destroys me..... yes exactly.. you do what you can and you have to let that be good enough.. but as for how it should be.. don't even go there in your head 'cause it just makes you miserable.. my heart is an arrow magnet & i have no skin in between.. strangers shouldn't have such power over me.. and i feel like i should have more choice over whether or not i think about things/people i've lost.. i try to exercise my will in these matters to no avail.. it's a lifelong obsession to be focused on what i don't have & what i can never have.. but i'm going off into oblivion today.. nothing else to do so that is my escape.. hopefully the weekend will provide some distraction? thanks, thumper.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Dec 30, 2007 20:42:28 GMT -5
hopefully the weekend will provide some distraction? ^^ careful what you wish for
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Post by ghost on Dec 31, 2007 13:27:15 GMT -5
i've mentioned before my hubby has a.d.d. imagine knowing someone for 25 years and still not being able to consider them.. it's like always having to teach someone the alphabet again before having a conversation.. it gets so tiring. and i got sick.. i'm in poor health i must say.. so getting sick drags me down to my lowest.. pain & sick.. and every time i tried opening my mouth to say anything about how bad i felt he swiftly changed the subject, erasing me as he always does.. i know he can't help me, but acknowledging me would go a long ways.. so i ended up at a real low.. cutting. it's hard to be around someone like this day in & out and just try to make a home for me & my son.. but i always figured i'm screwed up enough that it evens out? it just seems like it truly cannot ever get any better here at home. and i've isolated myself entirely from others. given up on the idea of 'professional' help.. haha.. i'm screwed. thanks for asking about me, thumper! try to enjoy your dinner with the folks.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Feb 4, 2008 14:14:51 GMT -5
no real reason.. waking up to more hate on my sweet little tabitha's youtube.. and an ebay seller who is screwing me.. after a depressing weekend.. think i'll just move right in here to the depressionfest for a bit.. **lugs in recliner, tv, & laptop** it's cold and rainy here.. just the way i like it.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Feb 4, 2008 19:06:34 GMT -5
i'm gonna make this depressionfest downright cozy.. it's cold here so kitties are crowding into their cumfy couches.. i've been watching my favorite channel on the telly.. TCM (turner classic movies..) i have watched a weird old black & white movie with lon chaney jr. called 'spider baby' and am going through a whole bunch of film noir val lewton films like 'curse of the cat people' .. also watched 'die! die! my darling!' (hammer film with stephanie powers and talula bankhead in which stephanie powers deserves what she gets since she fights and runs like and girl and can't even swim.. ) hubby & i ordered the universal monsters dvd set on amazon last night.. my son hasn't seen the original b&w 'dracula', 'wolfman', 'frankenstein' & 'bride of..' etc.. hope the mailman brings it soon.. we'll have a movie night! everyone is invited.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Feb 5, 2008 14:49:41 GMT -5
what's your kitty's name, thumper?
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Post by ghost on Feb 5, 2008 15:21:41 GMT -5
so glad bunny is ok again.. i've never been so stressed as when my kitties got sick and had to spend the night in the animal hospital.. to tetleigh.. do your kitty & bunny get along? when we had matilda (our rabbit) our kitties just kinda kept their distance of her.. but she was quite large! not like the sweet little bunnies sleepflower posted pix of! back home i had a kitty named delilah that lived at least 18 yrs.. and that was as an outside kitty! (in sunny socal) i still miss her.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Mar 25, 2008 20:28:27 GMT -5
i just thought i'd post back here in the depressionfest.. my life IS a depressionfest.. 2 weeks and my arm still aches so i'm cranky because it's my right arm and i'm right handed.. hate that i ccan't bear my own weight or lift anything heavy.. huge inconvenience.. wonder if the dr i saw should've xray'd it afterall? the bruises seemed to come back worse after which made no sense to me except that i'd tried to use it a bit.. i don't post here much because honestly i'll just drag others down with me into my own little personal pit of despair.. i'm so isolated, and i say i don't want friends, but i guess i do wish i had just one.. (perhaps to replace my old therapist? my sister or mom? i dunno..) so i'm hopelessly agoraphobic these days and it's a miserable existence.. i see how much the si got in the way when i needed to go to the dr, and yet i still think about it too much and that bottle of smirnoff in my closet too.. but so far i'm being very good. it's still really very cold here.. freezing my toes and my kitties.. i've been taping movies off of TCM and putting them on dvds.. i can't wait for Sweeney Todd to come out april 1 (hope that is not a joke?!) i so look forward to seeing it.. i'm just a dark solitary ghost.. i've achieved a balance of on/off hot cocoa days so that my weight is where i can live with it.. but i feel like a failure, like i've given in out of tiredness and let myself be this weight. when i could fix it and i know it. well.. bellyache and moan and groan.. that's what i seem to do these days.. but that's just me.. like elliott smith said, "don't pick me up, i'm fine right where i am.." always been kinda my sentiment too.. i'm hopeless? ghost
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Post by ghost on Mar 26, 2008 14:08:10 GMT -5
thumper, thanks, it's so nice to hear someone say something normal and that makes sense to me when i'm so used to my hubby's a.d.d. invalidation.. it was all i could do to go in and be seen and avoid having my scars turn into a big issue and all.. i was surprised that an xray wasn't just almost automatic, but wanted to trust what the guy was saying and not have to worry about it, you know? he was not an md but a 'patient care assistant' whatever that is.. and now i even wonder whether he believed i was 'following up' rather than having my arm finally seen for the first time? whatever.. the bruising got worse once i stopped worrying because i used it a bit and it extended all down my arm.. it's faded away now after babying it for days, but aches right along the bone of my forearm where i hit it. it just bothers me because of how i get dismissed so easily in my life.. i mean my right arm should matter, i paint, write, use the laptop and play oblivion, do all the house chores.. that should make it matter somehow.. but nothing about me has ever mattered. that's just a sad truth. i could sit here and pass away and it would be quite awhile before anyone even discovered that i wasn't just 'being quiet'.. i hate my invisible life. i keep praying god will just wipe me out so i don't have to wake up to another day. but he isn't listening at all. i've given up on the idea of 'professional' help, which is just laughable to me at this point after all my experiences.. i am just not someone who wants to be changed and made over in anyone's image.. i just need emotional security and have none.. tired of psychs pushing meds and the snap out of it 'get a job' cure for agoraphobia.. i accept my agoraphobia.. that's not even the issue. anyway, someone mercifully please just take me out back and cap me like old yeller! ghost
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Post by ghost on Mar 28, 2008 11:47:21 GMT -5
thank you, thumper! i decided yesterday to start taking my multivitamins faithfully again.. i had lagged off worrying about weight.. but the depression has been bad. i actually showed hubby that 'invalidation' website and he read it very carefully and we discussed it alot.. he really seemed to grasp all the ways he does the same number on me that my family did.. the challenge with his a.d.d. is will he remember what he now understands? that would help me immensely.. it's a very strange thing to be invisible and not considered and then get some therapy and try to exist.. all your life you've adapted to ignoring pain and suffering, turning everything inward.. and then you have to start bucking the system and people fight back! they like you better when you're invisible and just there for their needs instead.. and it hurts to fully realize this. it hardly seems worth fighting for.. especially when you just are weary i guess.. i learned something from that site too.. i wonder if i give out advice too easily when others just need to be heard? i have always been more worried that people will feel ignored so i give out whatever's in my head (hoping others will reap some benefit from all that money and time spent on therapy that educated but didn't exactly help me? haha..) well.. thanks again.. ghost
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