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Post by ghost on Mar 28, 2008 12:57:10 GMT -5
on top of AD/insecure attachment issues i've been told half the things on that 'invalidation' list all my life.. it truly trains you to hate yourself.. to feel vile and never loveable.. that's always the predicament, pete, like you say.. is it better to be alone alone.. or alone due to being ignored or invisible? i usually choose alone alone because i know what i'm up against.. and i know what i can do to get through the days that way.. with others there's bound to be some expectancy.. dare i say hope.. that they'll value you.. Surprise! not usually. being ignored is dreadful. it's punishment. and i understand how bad it must feel to only see smiles when money is needed..? it's kinda different with my hubster.. he tries to use buying things to make everything better.. always has.. i've told him if that's the way he wanted to deal with life perhaps he should've been a millionaire.. because we can't afford that method of coping with conflict.. run out and buy me something on credit.. EEEK!! it actually just causes me more insecurity.. and then in the end he blames me for it if he buys me something.. and of course i feel guilty as hell if i want or accept the item.. impulsive spending is a hallmark of a.d.d. amazing how difficult it is for humans to just be good stewards of each other.. i know hubby's a decent guy in there.. it shows sometimes.. so i (perhaps foolishly) go on slightly hoping for improvement.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Jun 15, 2008 15:08:39 GMT -5
nothing like a migraine to send me into the depressionfest.. i've had it for a week and the last 2 days in particular have gone beyond my pain threshold (which is pretty high..) i have 'raccoon eyes' which is a kind of migraineur's mask.. when the pain goes on this long it leaves me in hate with the world.. just because th epain won't stop. i just go through it alone and it doesn't matter at all. i finally give up on anyone being able to help and realized last night that all i can do is wait. pain has to end, right? it's still here though. and now i'm so phobic/ocd about my tylenol that i don't trust if i've taken it right or not, worry i'll accidentally take it over again since i take it so much.. i have terrible ocd about mistrusting meds/drs/ingesting anything.. so i stare a hole in the med bottle, the pills, my list of doses.. and still don't trust my brain. i need help. my husband just can't be of help at all because his a.d.d. is in charge at all times. if he were any support at all i would make the best of it and try new meds just having someone around while i go through the inevitable panic attack. ibuprofen has made me sick due to chronic stomach problems and fiorinal /fioracet(barbituate/caffiene/tylenol) knocks me unconscious possibly because of my heart & anemia?) so i'm always phobic about meds. i never took imitrex samples i have because i got them before my weak heart issue was discovered and there's a heart risk there too.. i know no help will ever come. you here all know i've given up on any idea of 'professional' help.. i have zero trust for such people. (goddamnedsonofamotherfuckingbitch morons.) my incompetent medical dr is just part of the problem right now. no way to get any actual help. it seems god made tears invisible for a reason, don't you think? it's why as cutters we need tears that stain. ghost
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Post by killertofu on Jun 15, 2008 18:53:01 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on Jun 15, 2008 22:32:42 GMT -5
hi tina.. thanks.. i know it sounds bad.. i'm old and jaded.. i've been to so many drs & psychs and spent literally tens of thousands of dollars and not gotten competent help. i no longer trust them.. they've made way too many mistakes with me.. often they just do more harm than good. it gets complicated when you're older and can't just take any pill they want to throw at you so easily.. i have low b.p./b vit anemia and a weak heart.. and have been on stomach drugs half my life for a chronic condition.. even 'natural' remedies have made me ill.. so i stick with what's safe until i find a dr who will listen and treat me competently.. harder than you think.. these days drs are about pushing meds first, diagnosing later.. and i have been on dozens of rxs and had some really devastating side effects from several so i learned my lesson.. finding competent health/mental health care is truly difficult.. so i've ended up basically avoiding seeking any care until it's an emergency. tylenol is lame to handle chronic pain.. but stronger painkillers tend to make me black out.. i'd love to find a safe/strong painkiller.. is there a dr on the board? ghost
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Jun 16, 2008 9:27:34 GMT -5
thought id make a post if i can join you all in the depressionfest.. not meant for the world alien, reject, isolated, abandoned, void, space, island in lost time, unidentified planet/ species, meaningless-everything-me, grey, blank, tedious, blur, distant noise, zombie. Im sorry your going through such a rough time ghost, it must be so debilitating suffering with these migraines... its all you end up being consumed in is the pain, you've got to keep telling yourself that it will pass, perhaps plan for something to look forward to for when you're feeling better? I'm sorry i cant suggest anything i have no idea when it comes to medicines, bit of a spare part here And thumper its good to see you around i was worried as to where you were, im so sorry youre feeling this way, whats happened? if your ready that is. you dont have to be alone we can all be lost together, at least we will all be in the same place hope you get that fighting spirit back soon I wish i could be of more help to you both Take care x
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Post by ghost on Jun 16, 2008 13:07:21 GMT -5
i'm never truly alone.. thank you fellow d-festers for being here! i am taking it easy today just so relieved to be out of pain.. i mean it's still there lurking, but it's a functional kind of headache now.. i made it worse with all the waterworks when it got so bad.. crying just moved stuff around in my head/sinuses so much that i also began getting inner ear/dizzy spell/nausea too.. (whenever i stood up i felt like i was leaning to the left!) it's settled now hopefully.. and good news.. as much hate as i felt for my hubby during all of this he finally got the clue (after the usual argument) and then decided to be nice and helpful.. (he really is a decent guy under all that A.D.D. stuff that drives me to want to strangle him.. ) it helps so much just to be in a kinder environment during the pain.. thumper, i don't know if you are like me, but that vodka will probably make the headache worse? but i sure know the feeling.. and mia, you are exactly right.. i just had to wait it out and tell myself in the morning i would get some nice coffee and when it let up i could play fable: the lost chapters all i wanted to! this gave me something very mundane but very comforting to look forward to.. it's terrible i know but i am at least happy to realize i lost a few more lbs. while i was sick.. i'm not supposed to lose weight intentionally, but when it just happens i still feel glad.. ghost
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Aug 18, 2008 4:56:42 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on Aug 18, 2008 12:17:15 GMT -5
oh no.. what was this bunny's name, thumper? so it's a proper memorial.. so sorry.. i don't know how i'd even be able to deal with losing one of my babies, so i'll just say what i tell myself whenever i see a kitty by the side of the road.. they go to a happier place sure as anything.. to get born again probably and enjoy kittenhood or bunny/kithood all over again.. i've had literally so many cats over my lifetime i believe the same ones have come back to be with me again in different fur coats! it's just so sad their little lives have to be so much shorter than ours that way.. much luv, ghost
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Post by ghost on Aug 18, 2008 21:20:19 GMT -5
aww.. i remember you mentioning blokie.. and it was that fox?! what are you going to do about him? aren't they about the same size as a small dog? the aspca here uses these humane traps with food in them that snap closed and capture the animal so it can be taken away to the humane society or somewhere.. do you have a service like that there? poor blokie.. so sad ghost
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Post by ghost on Aug 19, 2008 13:17:07 GMT -5
oh i see i read that wrong.. it's so hard with bunnies & kitties because nature tells them to hide their illnesses.. it's a survival necessity from being in the wild to not look weak or like a target to predators.. then they can't just tell us.. don't blame yourself, thumper.. ghost
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