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Post by ghost on Dec 27, 2006 15:24:29 GMT -5
i came to learn about ad by researching agoraphobia.. since that has been my main problem for as long as i can remember.. it seems there is a definite link.. i'm like the poster child for the 'strange scenario' experiment in attachment research.. i still feel that awful panic when strangers walk into the room.. and i'm 41!! i can't deal with the phone.. and i live like a recluse except for my hubby & son & 7 cats.. but i seem to be fine online where i feel safe.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Jan 6, 2007 17:05:46 GMT -5
i'm writing here since i'm back into alot of panic/agoraphobia/ed problems these days.. seems like i'm back to a pattern of going into a panic attack every evening after i eat, which is something that's come and gone for decades with me.. something i realize now is that i am always afraid.. it just never relaxes.. i don't care to be drugged/sedated/tranquilized through it anymore.. and i can't anesthetize myself through it anymore with alcohol.. so i've had to just accept it as my reality.. i try to comfort myself, reason with myself about it.. but to be honest, no matter what i have done through all the years of good ideas, creative visualizations, meditation & relaxation, exposure therapy, cognitive/behavioral changes.. my body is just hard-wired to be this way and freak the hell out of me regularly.. i've said this before as a kind of half-funny joke, but if i eat anything that seems slightly unfamiliar, take a new med, or have any nagging small question about anything i've ingested or touched.. i become acutely aware of the time.. and count the minutes until the first 20 have passed and i can at least reassure myself that if i were going to go into anaphylactic shock from a severe allergic reaction that it would've already occurred.. i go through this little scenario regularly.. because of the past environment i grew up in (the madhouse).. i now am aware of how often i get these disastrous feelings of dread/fear that something terrifying/overwhelming may imminently occur that i won't be able to handle.. it is kinda surprising to me now that i've become aware i do this.. because forever it was just so subjective with me i didn't realize it wasn't normal.. i'm braced for sudden outbreaks of insanity & the threat of violence always.. or sudden death of my cats.. i count them constantly.. i have to account for them and keep track of them or i fear the worst will have happened.. and that is a direct result of the kind of place i lived in for my childhood.. cats getting killed right and left, people going crazy and doing crazy scary things.. being left right out in the open sleeping on the ground in the frontroom where everything went down.. did i say 'sleeping'? haha.. ;D i'm agoraphobic and i accept that.. it's the only way i guess i maintain a little safety..? ghost
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Post by ghost on Feb 7, 2007 17:02:29 GMT -5
i guess this is going to be my agoraphobic's journal..? i just posted this at a psych forum elsewhere trying to get help i suppose..
hi.. i'm new here.. i'm having such a panic attack right now.. i tried calling and talking to my husband at work.. but i'm agoraphobic and there is no one else for me to just talk to right now.. i've been agoraphobic forever and usually i do ok 'cause i'm used to it.. but i just had a food related panic attack, i have like food phobias.. like i can't trust food or people.. i was diagnosed with anorexia in 1999 but have in the last year finally gotten to a good weight since my heart was damaged in it all.. anyway.. i ate half of a sandwich from quizno's last night & saved th other half like i always do.. then for lunch i zapped it for 30 seconds in the microwave exactly as i always do.. i know this sounds weird, but as i was eating it the outside of the roll/bread had a peculiar sour smell and i kept telling myself it was nothing.. but i ended up throwing it out and having a panic attack over having eaten any of it at all.. i have been feeling like i'll pass out or throw up.. i can't get the sense of the smell/taste out of my mouth and mind.. it seems irrational, but i'm fully panicked over it anyway.. i mean it was perfectly fine last night.. is this a kind of ocd reaction? this is the kind of thing that ruled out so many foods for me that i lost too much weight for years..
anybody else have this kind of thing happen? i've backed myself into such a corner before that i couldn't eat anything at all.. due to this phobia/mistrust of ingesting things.. food and drink and meds especially.. and of people, especially drs and psychs that push meds.. i've been so medded up in the past.. it didn't help and i just won't do it anymore.. can anyone help? ghost
it's such a bad day.. i don't have really bad panic attacks that often anymore.. but when i do, i'm alone and all i can do is curl up in a ball and withdraw from everything.
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clover
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Post by clover on Feb 8, 2007 21:45:12 GMT -5
Oh dear ghost, I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I do have anxiety struggles-- not the same as yours but I can understand how hard it is. When my anxiety level goes way up-- my senses shut off--- I'm not hungry, not tired, not sad, happy or anything. When this happens my weight goes down, I'm at the border of being underweight as it is-- so losing weight is not a desire of mine-- but it happens. I don't know if it's much help-- but-- I find that distractions are a good thing-- like doing a puzzle, or coloring(yes, coloring!) or getting to something I've been putting off-- that way I feel good about myself after it's finally done. Also-- I tell my brain to "shut-off"........ I make it blank-out. (this may not be good, I don't know (?)--- as my last therapist said I dissociate a lot -- but at least I'm not so anxious that I quit eating!) Have you ever tried meditating? I bet dissociating is like meditating... just that meditating is better controled. I wish I had the answer that would help you....I'm sorry. Wanted you to at least know that I'm here and I care. clover
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emma
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Post by emma on Feb 8, 2007 21:46:58 GMT -5
Hey ghost, Maybe there really was something weird about the sandwich? Have you eaten anything since? Maybe if you eat something that is "safe" and it tastes good and all, maybe it will wipe out the memory? I don't know. I always want to eat, so I am really useless on this topic. I'd hate for you to start having trouble with this again since you've been so steady now. I miss you
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Post by ghost on Feb 9, 2007 13:18:55 GMT -5
thanks you guys.. i had bdhp try and detect the same thing on the breadroll when he came home and it smelled perfectly normal.. i checked it myself.. and i thought i was losing my brain.. then i thought wait.. zapped it in the microwave again.. and sure enough.. yuk! i think maybe it was something about the bread starter or something used that was just different from normal and when heated up it just was unusual..
so it wasn't just me being irrational at least as far as my senses.. my reactions may be a bit irrational though.. i think it's a kind of ocd/phobic thing.. i rule out things this way till nothing is left.. it's a shame because that was one of only a couple 'safe' things i will get out somewhere trusting others to prepare it..
like you said em.. after i got practically sick/hungry i had to just go back to something 'safe'.. it used to be so bad i had a 'safe' list and if i didn't eat a certain thing for too long it fell off the list too.. but i haven't had to do that for years now, thank goodness.. i can't lose another protein source.. so next time i'll try their low carb wrap instead so i won't freak out again.. i was too sick as a vegetarian so i had to add back in just white/lowfat turkey & chicken.. but i'm still real iffy about it.. meat of any kind kinda grosses me out.. but without it i was chronically anemic and couldn't think straight.. that cloudy hunger high used to be one of my ways of 'checking out' mentally.. like drinking..
clover.. your suggestions are good.. familiar to me actually.. i am a big dissociater myself.. and ask anyone, i color (well, toxic does.. she's my 'toxic inner child').. i tend to use self-injury as a way to dissociate and get away from panic or bad feelings.. but i didn't this time.. so i'm ok..
thanks again.. all the fear/mistrust we ad folk have about people i tend to place onto food as well.. at least that's what therapists have told me.. a psychologist told me it goes back to my first infant feeding experiences somehow.. ghost
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emma
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Post by emma on Feb 9, 2007 17:56:36 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear it ghost. You guys mentioned dissociation. My T before K (that's funny on the reread ) used to get pissed at me because she said I dissociated all my emotions, and I thought "Holy crap! I do nothing but live in my emotions" The thing is, I did not share them with her. Looking back, I must have had some instinct not to trust her and since she did dump me, turns out I was right. I think maybe once upon a time I dissociated from my emotions. What exactly is the definition for dissociation? I believe that now, I do not dissociate about difficult feelings, but I am beginning to think that I dissociate from good feelings. Like the whole thing where I just cannot feel any love from K sometimes makes me wonder - am I dissociating from good things? Or am I misunderstanding dissociation?
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Post by ghost on Feb 9, 2007 18:20:48 GMT -5
em it sounds like you were right and just suppressing your innermost self to protect yourself.. good for you for trusting your instincts.. my experience of dissociation has ranged from blissful childhood escapism into my own little mute world.. to being among my relatives and hearing my own voice talking like it is coming from another person and feeling completely removed from myself.. like i'm running on 'autopilot' and i am not even there.. although it seems to fool everyone ok.. i talk nervously and never know what the hell will come out of my mouth in those situations.. it's like a reaction to an overload of my senses.. part of me leaves. whenever things happen with my relatives.. bad things.. i dissociate and am gone into a lovely disconnected calm and i can sleep just like when i was little and would actually get drowsy.. i can hibernate if i si.. the deeper the si.. the more the dissociation.. where i feel no pull to interact with the world at all.. (it's wonderful.. until you feel so detached at times that you can't feel when you want to.. so si/hitting stuff brings you back..) it's all messed up.. kinda like staying drunk without drinking for me.. but it's a defense mechanism that wears with age.. it's not there enough to shield away enough of the ache to be worth it. detachment is somewhere along the way to dissociation.. i have bad detachment when i sit in therapy and talk about tragedy with a pleasant smile or a nervous laugh.. while sometimes the other person is brought to tears.. i think they're two different things but related like cousins.. here's the wiki: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_%28psychology%29
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emma
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Post by emma on Feb 9, 2007 19:00:52 GMT -5
Thanks. Ok, so yeah, I've done that. I think that just about characterizes the first half of my life. But its probably obvious that I don't really do that anymore, except, like I mentioned maybe I do it with love. Actually, I'm not 100% confident that I get the difference between detachment and dissociation.
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Post by ghost on Oct 11, 2007 18:25:50 GMT -5
needed somewhere to talk about some of the agoraphobia related problems i deal with.. i still wish there were more out there to read on the subject of ad and it's relation to agoraphobia/social phobia.. i know there is a link. i feel like such a spaz. i think my body only knows depression & anxiety.. even excitement = anxiety.. even a good 'high' point triggers this anxiety with me.. it seems not only can i not interact with 3D humans, but even sometimes i panic interacting with them online or via email, which i had thought was safe.. i don't know if anyone else understands what it's like to not be able to calm down just from interacting with someone? even someone far away? i end up just needing to pull the drapes and hide it feels so uncomfortable.. like i just know i'm such a dork that i'll say just the wrong thing somehow.. like social tourette's syndrome? so even if i feel really up & happy (rarely happens) but if i do, sometimes it makes me sooo anxious.. like depression is my body/mind's baseline normal, so it makes me anxious.. i guess it's why alcohol has been such a problem for me, since it has the painkiller effect yet is a depressant, calming & comforting, not energizing..? and though in my fantasyworld i long to have someone who would be with me All of the time, in actuality i freak out and this seems utterly impossible. i seem only able to deal with my hubby/son being around, and then i even become stressed out pretty easily if i can't take a break... ;D well.. it's the reclusive life for me.. signed, the outcast (ghost)
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Post by sleepflower on Oct 15, 2007 2:24:34 GMT -5
i don't know if anyone else understands what it's like to not be able to calm down just from interacting with someone? even someone far away? i end up just needing to pull the drapes and hide it feels so uncomfortable.. like i just know i'm such a dork that i'll say just the wrong thing somehow.. like social tourette's syndrome? so even if i feel really up & happy (rarely happens) but if i do, sometimes it makes me sooo anxious.. like depression is my body/mind's baseline normal, so it makes me anxious.. i guess it's why alcohol has been such a problem for me, since it has the painkiller effect yet is a depressant, calming & comforting, not energizing..? Ghost, I know exactly what you mean. Every time I walk into work, I freak out inside. This is where I have to use SI to ground me, and keep me from freaking out properly. It's kind of, if I have SI as 'mine', something that I can do to assert control over myself, then I know that there's a part of me that others can never control. Does that even make sense? In company, I always feel that I'll say the wrong thing. I tend to look at things differently to others, and then, after opening my mouth before thinking about it yet again, beat myself up over the stupid things that I say and do, then go back over my past mistakes...I'm sure you know the drill... I hadn't thought of the depression/alcohol thing in those terms, but it makes a lot of sense, as does your whole post! x
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Post by ghost on Oct 19, 2007 12:56:55 GMT -5
i have read that if you live under stress early on that your cortisol levels are forever high.. the stress hormone.. so that these little details that involve our ability to feel we have some control become heightened with some of us.. the stranger at the door is classic.. it is like the original AD experiment/research.. we still react the way insecurely attached children do.. we can't help it because we're wired for it i guess..? ghost
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Post by ghost on Jan 3, 2008 17:31:51 GMT -5
tonight at powell's books here in portland is the autumn de'wilde book signing.. (she just published a beautiful book of elliott smith photos, etc..) and i'd love to go get my copy signed.. there will also be larger prints of her photos there available for sale.. but i am too agoraphobic! all those people.. if i get very very brave i may go peek from the aisles? ghost
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Post by ghost on Jan 4, 2008 0:52:39 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on Feb 7, 2008 14:15:09 GMT -5
i'll just add this here to my long list of phobias.. i've been super phobic lately thinking some nasty horrible spider had snuck out in the night and bit one of my smaller toes.. it was the only explanation i could find for my symptoms and it took so long to heal.. it was like that spider killed my toe! well, i finally looked up my symptoms online.. haha.. i have Chillblains! wtf??? i'm from sunny socal.. i had no knowledge of this condition whatsoever.. i just ignored my freezing toes as i've gotten used to partial hypothermia over the years of my eating disorder.. it turns out anemia+heart cond.+ freezing temps= chillblains!! i'm so relieved because i was afraid to sleep without socks on and worried about summertime.. looking for spiders everywhere.. .. man, i gotta get me some booties! ghost
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