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Post by ghost on Feb 21, 2007 19:55:59 GMT -5
crawling back in... ghost & toxic
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Post by ghost on Feb 22, 2007 13:05:51 GMT -5
yesterday was a last straw kind of day.. as i sat in the car waiting to go in for my dr's appt. after a full night of no sleep, i couldn't stop shaking.. even with the heater on.. and i'm just so used to it.. it's not the cold.. it was my anxiety over having to interact with people, and the dr. it was one of those moments.. and i realize i'm just not ever going to be able to do it. i can't be around people. last night bdhp pulled the last of the last straws away.. his cruelty and sarcasm have gone too far. i wish i had never gotten these kitties that i love too much that i cannot leave.. because i knew what i was doing before that. before all the lies he and people like licia fed me.. i'm done now. time to erase the pig i let myself become. he says 'great, so you're on a deathkick again..' fuuuccckkkkking a. i'm logging off now but i'm leaving this board up for anyone that wants to use it. ghost/toxic
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Post by ghost on Mar 2, 2007 13:58:48 GMT -5
i'm sticking near the snowcave these days.. my trust is too tentative to venture out much among the humans.. bdhp tried to make it up to me.. i lost a few lbs and went back to my old habits.. i.e. cutting.. i can't explain to others how much it helped me.. calmed me for days.. and now i'm tranquil and we're getting along ok.. rainy days..
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Post by ghost on Mar 6, 2007 13:46:08 GMT -5
i've been pretty distressed these days.. i fall aprt real easily it seems.. bdhp says he only said what he did to me out of anger.. he gets panicked 'cause when i have spiraled before it really gets serious.. i am usually blue.. but i can go from blue to midnight black scary fast.. i just never really know for sure if he is friend or foe.. mistrust even after all these long years.. .. ghost
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Post by ghost on Apr 6, 2007 10:37:12 GMT -5
looks like i'm heading into the snowcave for another holiday weekend spent in the cold.. had a food related anxiety attack last night and bdhp was hurtful rather than helpful.. so we go to our corners and keep to ourselves.. by virtue of his a.d.d. nothing is ever resolved, only forgotten.. since due to this he is forever able to just do whatever he wants and get away with it i feel like he always wins and i always lose, i pay.. it's like paying a tax or rent just to be here.. i'm resigned to that. if i weren't such a loser i'd have energy enough to stand on my own two feet.. instead i just want to sleep. went from what had been a happy day to thoughts of cutting by nightfall.. i don't feel like 'blowing up' in a rage when i'm hurt/angry.. i feel like quietly 'cuttting in'.. that's just the way it works with me after all these years.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Apr 10, 2007 11:41:51 GMT -5
.. and for the greater good.. what choice do i have but patch it up and get over it.. back to the same old thing. every day is groundhog day..
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Post by ghost on May 13, 2007 13:25:20 GMT -5
it's groundhog day again. i'm taking a nice long nap/coma in the snowcave.. not one but two total fights yesterday with my husband.. ad and a.d.d. do not mix.. he's being such an arse. i'm sick and tired of dealing with him and him walking off whenever he wants.. it's the only thing left that drives me back into si. i told him today to just fukkk off and keep clear. happy mom's day. ghost
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Post by ghost on May 14, 2007 12:15:58 GMT -5
hey! where did you get those sparkley roses!!?! thanks!! i guess i have to just accept that it's going to be this way in my marriage.. and not have expectations of change.. my son brought me a sweet card he made with pix of him and my kitty girls all in antique style.. so sweet.. and my husband just picks back up where he left off like nothing happened. and after a bit i do too.. i guess anything is better than nothing.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Jul 25, 2007 13:13:26 GMT -5
not really going into isolation.. but having hard times.. thought i'd relate it here.. the job offer my husband was counting on fell through at the last moment even though they still say he is their 'top choice'?! so the interviews continue.. and having him home means we have to deal with each other more often.. which means his a.d.d. rears it's head and reaches a point that i go from quietly letting it pass to saying something about how it is affecting me or my son.. well, yesterday it ended up in a big blow-up.. he doesn't like to be confronted. until after when he's glad to know at least. hallmarks of a.d.d. are: miscommunication problems/mix-ups not listening to others forgetfulness low frustration tolerance impulsive anger even with medication these things still are so common and we are affected here, so at some point we say something about it. i end up feeling like it's the last straw on days like yesterday when i'm in migraine pain and my tolerance is low.. after hashing it all out with him, then my son and i ended up talking and he related more of what he's dealing with every day.. we know he has o.c.d., but he's also dealing with the related anxiety attacks like i have, and struggling against his shyness/social avoidance just going to his college classes and staying in them to the end. it is upsetting that i have passed on this dna.. my dad is agoraphobic, then me, now hopefully with my son we've done so much different that it may be less debilitating.. ? hoping.. it's my reason for being here.. my kids (feline & human).. but my mood is pretty low and i was nearly cutting again yesterday.. didn't though.. so i get blue stars.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Jul 28, 2007 23:08:32 GMT -5
today we drove through a snow of cottonwood seeds up to astoria.. it was a gorgeous sunny summer day.. in one old abandoned pioneer cemetery i found an open crypt from the 1800's.. ivy had pried the metal door open..? at least that's what it looked like to me.. (but i'm a solitary ghost.. don't want to meet any new friends.. i left it alone.)
we drove through a cool old covered bridge in wahkiakum county.. and watched multiple bald eagles soaring over another cemetery there.. it was such a quiet spot we could hear them calling to each other..
i'm crawling into my the cold white darkness of my snowcave today.. no matter how beautiful my surroundings are.. i am still just too sad and lonely.. true happiness only lies farther and farther out of my reach. i feel like such a tragic waste.
the long years spent in seclusion have carved out the most gaping and glaring emptiness on the inside that i wonder each day why it hasn't simply caved in on me.. my heart can't take where i've ended up after all these years of what i thought were sound choices..
i swear i wish it would just fucking crush me already and kill the ache. ghost
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Post by LonelyLena on Jul 28, 2007 23:24:58 GMT -5
Hope things get better. I've found that sometimes the beauty of nature can sometimes be painful. If that makes sense :/
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Post by ghost on Jul 29, 2007 0:00:38 GMT -5
hey thanks.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Nov 14, 2007 16:33:40 GMT -5
i notice sleepflower is in her corner and i can relate.. i need to hunker down in my own little snowcave a while myself.. i just never have the proper skin to survive among the humans.. got a letter from my mom yesterday.. she's getting quite old and so forgetful.. she barely remembers me.. it's really hard every time i hear from her.. and my sick/mentally ill sister has emphysema.. no surprise, it is virtually impossible to help schizophrenics ever give up coffee or cigarettes.. it's their whole world.. sad. i always just feel pain when i have contact with my relatives. i've never been able to protect them.. or protect myself from them. i say i hate the humans.. life.. or the whole world.. but it's not the world.. the world is a lovely place.. life could be so cool if it weren't for the nonsense humans fill it with.. and it isn't even hate, really, for the humans.. i just have no skin and everything hurts. so i lash out. i bite. i just need this quiet cold place for a while.. ghost www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaXhl_wbsiw
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Post by sleepflower on Nov 14, 2007 16:52:12 GMT -5
What strikes me is the way that we feel responsible for the problems/illnesses/sadness of others. I know that you know this already, ghost, but you don't have to protect them...the important thing is to try to take care of yourself... But you already know that. Hugs anyway... I know what you mean about humans too. I've had a similar rant to hubby myself tonight. Love you, Ghost, and thinking of you in your snowcave, xxxx
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Post by ghost on Nov 15, 2007 15:18:39 GMT -5
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