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Post by sleepflower on Nov 5, 2007 7:32:27 GMT -5
I'm tired of feeling this way. It's been almost half my life now. I don't even know what to post now that I've started the thread. I'm tired of drinking, I'm tired of measuring and counting and obsessing over what I eat, I'm tired of having to hide the SI, smile and put on a 'happy' face. I'm sick of the whole 'there she goes again' mentality because I can't ask for help and I can't articulate all this. So everyone loses patience with me and I feel like a pain and the whole cycle begins again.
One of the main problems is the SI. I WANT to cut, it makes me feel better and it's kept me alive for 13 years, but I can't deal with the reactions of others, I don't want to hurt and upset my husband and make him think that his love isn't enough, because then I feel like a failure because I can't even get it together to love and be loved.
I'm going to shut up. I've been getting really graphic images and thoughts in my head all day and I have to sign off now as it's too triggering at the moment.
Sorry.
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Post by sleepflower on Nov 5, 2007 10:29:02 GMT -5
Thanks guys That really means a lot. x
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Post by ghost on Nov 5, 2007 14:19:41 GMT -5
hey sleepflower.. i relate so much because i've been cutting for 25 years & everyone thinks it's a 'teen' thing so i try to hide it when it happens.. the worst for me is having to face the dr & their questions.. i avoid needed medical care for the problems i caused myself with anorexia just because i know i'll have to deal with more questions and being looked at like i'm a mental case.. i've gotten to where i si so much less.. i tell myself i can do it if i need to.. and then i feel better for a bit and sometimes it works so well i get past it for a long time.. my husband hates hates hates it! so i never really tell him although he sees the scars eventually.. i have to keep myself away from really triggering si forums or it feels almost competitive.. it's the same with the ed.. it makes you feel like you have to keep up with the rest and lose more & more weight.. cut deeper or more often.. i will say this here to break the rules of anorexia publicly: i am 5'9" and used to weigh 107lbs.. i dealt with anorexia for a decade and in the last 2 years i have recovered to my current weight of 135 lbs. it is still scary every day dealing with that.. (my husband is thrilled to death.. ) i would still rather lose weight and obsess on my intake rather than deal with my emotions every day.. but i have made a choice to let it relax.. not to the point of being completely out of control, i mean in truth i learned alot of good 'healthy' things about eating and fats & all so i keep all the good habits.. but you know being sickly thin never made my life any kinder so it just didn't work! (also it is a really poor method of suicide i realized.. ) and i express myself in other ways as graphically as i have to.. to me anything short of si is good.. even if it is a bloody picture, painting, suicidal poetry.. whatever.. my gallery is full of artwork that happened instead of my cutting.. i tried & it was so hard to crank it into something else.. and afterall i am proud of my dark arts.. because they last and have meaning.. in fact they last longer than any scar and speak louder.. i look back on pages in my journal covered in blood.. take a picture of it even.. i validate myself since i know no one else will.. to me it helps me to feel real and like it matters what i feel.. something i finally realized is that most non si folk really do not get it.. to us it is our pain, our red tears.. our beautiful dissociative escape from agony.. but to them it is just some kind of craziness.. only the most patient of people stick around long enough or read up sufficiently enough to get what it means.. sadly we usually get reactions of anger instead of care.. which just keeps it going.. it fuels more si.. i don't know what to tell you about the alcohol part because if i hadn't done the damage i did to my heart i'd be pouring a drink right now.. i have the horrible deathly sickness as a negative reinforcer keeping me sober.. that is what it took for me, i guess.. so much of our problem comes from a lack of close support, whether it's si or alcohol or ad issues.. all the 'pros' really do is offer us psych drugs which are not not not good enough.. it's why we choose our own meds in the form of alcohol, si, ed.. it's all an attempt to lessen our pain because we don't have the kind of support we really need.. just know that you can express yourself at this forum in any way you need to, ok? that's what it is for.. and if you need my support i'm always around.. here or at my blog.. feel free to come by if you ever need to.. we just use the 'comments' area there.. but be careful if you feel triggered because the blog is a bit hardcore.. please take care, ghost www.friendlyghost.typepad.comp.s. i may have talked long enough here to have simply bored you out of your triggers? but if not.. the very best thing i suggest is to get the book 'the scarred soul' by tracy alderman at your nearest bookstore and take it home with you.. focus all your triggering feelings into beginning the exercises offered in this book.. it is extremely validating and helpful.. it has been the best help in all of the books on the subject i've read.. even if it just gets you through this rough patch for now..
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Post by ghost on Nov 5, 2007 15:51:10 GMT -5
thanks, pete! to me stopping the si is not the goal.. the most important thing is inserting support and other tools, ways of coping, then si becomes less often on it's own.. because si is not an unnatural or abnormal thing.. i mean it is a poor coping tool because it's temporary and nothing changes for the better after using it.. but it is not crazy, it is in fact nature's way in the face of inescapable stress.. here's an old post.. (check out the link at the bottom to the detail page for a little si educational material.. it's part of one of my collages..) adconnection.proboards99.com/index.cgi?board=pix&action=display&thread=1167501833you guys here at the board are always in my prayers at night.. ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Nov 7, 2007 14:48:53 GMT -5
Thanks everyone and Ghost, you made so much sense in your posts. Will comment later when my mind works properly. By the way, glad it ain't just me who doesn't see stopping the SI as the goal. This is my main struggle - my mind against expectations, you know? Wish more of the world had the outlook and compassion of the people here...it would be a better place. x
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Post by sleepflower on Nov 10, 2007 16:17:57 GMT -5
Well, had all my hair cut off today - I needed that! Feeling a little better for it - thanks everyone for your support. What would I do without you? Hubby's not well, so I have to come out of my corner for a while. (Was given a hand massage today at my hairdresser's - was a little ashamed of the bandage on my wrist, but made up some rubbish.) Ghost, after payday, I'm going to buy the Alderman book - it's one of the few I don't have - have you read Marilee Strong's 'A Bright Red Scream'? It has some really intelligent points - it was the first one that I read when I started trying to understand all this [insert Pete's favourite 'poo' smilie here!] I recommend it. Working through the Bristol Crisis service for Women's book at the moment - not sure how that's going to go. [Oooo, I really can't type tonight!]
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Post by ghost on Nov 10, 2007 17:13:13 GMT -5
sleepflower.. the marilee strong book is excellent.. a very comprehensive read too.. (i actually quoted from that book in the link above..) there are some books i didn't like as much such as 'bodily harm' which treats everyone who si's like a borderline personality disorder person and comes from the position of an inpatient treatment approach.. do not like. glad you are doing ok! ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Nov 14, 2007 14:48:07 GMT -5
Been workng through a lot of the **** in my head, but now I'm wondering if that was wise. Massively triggered, haven't done anything yet (not alone) but so scared because it just doesn't seem worth it any more. What's the point? So afraid to tell even my husband about this. Since I realised that (among other things) my mother blamed me for her high bp (although I was suicidal and out-of-control SI at the time, but that was just misbehaving...yeah? I could give it up at any time? They took away my blades... ) So I'm scared to say anything in fear for the results. Realisd that she's never actually praised me or said that I'd done well on anything. Still won't accept help from me even though she makes me feel guilty for not accepting help. Etc, etc... Done so much crying tonight ( and I DON'T cry). Oh well...
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Post by sleepflower on Dec 11, 2007 10:24:24 GMT -5
Back again - my mind has been filled all day with thoughts that I could just cut my arms up and nobody would be able to take it away from me. I'm only making small cuts where I can hide them but they're just not enough any more. I have too much to do but I can't start anything. I want to cry but I can't. I dreamed that I cut my arm deeply last night, and the night before.
I just feel blank. But everything feels too much. Things are going too fast, just everyday things. I know that I should get help but I don't know when I'm going to fit in the time, or what I'm going to tell people, or even if I should tell people or what the hell to do.
Writing about it doesn't help, even music doesn't help. I just want to shut off my brain.
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Post by ghost on Dec 11, 2007 13:16:45 GMT -5
sleepflower.. so sorry! i wish i could send you some peace.. you talk about all you have to do that is making your world spin right now.. i wonder what could be more important than your own self right now that you are dreaming of si.. i've only had that happen at my lowest lows.. you are right to be thinking of talking to someone for help.. all this other stuff can wait.. it sounds like you are letting the details of life just steamroll over you.. please take the risk and talk to a therapist.. even if it's just to say you are overwhelmed and then just go from there.. don't worry about telling others.. why should you have to? your si thoughts are screaming out to you to slow this down and make your need for some peace the biggest priority now.. we who si let ourselves go to the point that we have to use this last-ditch escape hatch and scar ourselves just for a little comfort.. it's not a big enough bandaid for our stressful lives, and it only lasts a little while.. please remember to clean your cuts well with a good antiseptic and put some pretty bandaids on (i buy glow in the dark ones or pirate ones..) and everytime you look at them i want you to remember that ghost and the other people here at the forum care about you and don't want you to feel bad or guilty, ok? moms are guilt factories, maybe take a break from mom for awhile if you can? you need someone you can trust enough to dump all this on to help you carry it for awhile till you are stronger.. it would be well worth the hour or two a week to feel that relief, wouldn't it? i used to see my therapist in the evenings.. is there anyone near you that offers evening appts. if that would make it easier? it might be easier just telling your husband you need someone to talk to.. rather than telling him about the si, if you think he will freak out.. my hubby's been dealing with me for decades and still can freak out over it, making me feel much worse.. also, please make sure you are getting enough protein in your diet, i know when i cut it out during my ed it just drained me of all my internal resources and made life so much harder.. i know it feels like the point of no return when you just need to shut everything off.. but you know, it all comes back.. it can really get better if you can build a support system around you to see you through the rough spots.. please take care, if you want i'll send you my copy of 'a scarred soul'.. as a christmas gift.. it helped me so much.. just let me know, ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Dec 11, 2007 18:07:50 GMT -5
will reply properly later but I just want to say that there arent' words to descri how good you both are.
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Post by sleepflower on Jan 14, 2008 3:58:30 GMT -5
Staying here for a while, I need a rest. Very busy weekend, not slept well for ages, drained and just want to go to sleep but have too much to do to clear up from the weekend and get back up to date on my course.
Drank too much last night and now all I want to do is sit and cry but I don't know how to do that. Haven't cried properly like I need to for years.
I need to book another doc's appointment for today or tomorrow, but I'm being pathetic and scared.
Sorry, just needed to have a whine.
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Post by ghost on Jan 14, 2008 13:34:04 GMT -5
my cryer musta broke when i was young.. i remember re-learning how when i was about 17? (but had trouble with it for years after.. partly why i si'd?) now i'm pretty good at it! lol.. but sleepflower, i know that awful feeling that there's a big wall between you and the built up feelings/tension.. crying does help, even just a whimper.. whining's fine, it's close! take care, ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Jan 15, 2008 3:31:01 GMT -5
I love you all. Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me. You're all so kind. I have a doc's appointment at 3.30pm today. Even my husband doesn't know yet. I really have a problem getting over the fact that I feel I should just 'get a grip', you know? Oh well...got to get myself off the computer and do some work. That's me today...until 3.30 when this is me
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Post by sleepflower on Jan 15, 2008 9:58:21 GMT -5
Thanks Pete. Ten minutes before I set off to my appointment. I've written the doc a letter because I know that I won't say half of what I want. Fingers crossed that I'm brave enough to give it to her. I promise you all that I won't just throw the letter at her and run off down the road, although I'm sure that's what I'll want to do! Aargh... See you all soon.
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