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Post by ghost on Jun 6, 2008 13:16:36 GMT -5
mia, don't want to re-stir up an issue.. but just following up wondering if you're doing ok? ghost
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Jun 6, 2008 14:30:28 GMT -5
Oh thanks ghost Well I didn't go to psychotherapy today because i have been thinking about something he said to me and I'm to upset and angry. He said to me a while ago that he has stuck with me for all this time when he didn't have to and implied that no one else would have me meaning i should be grateful to him, he said it was easy to see why no one would want me. (because he was angry that i wasn't answering some of his questions that day so the truth of what he really thought of me came out) Although that was a few months ago its come back to me and reminded me of something my dad said to me. He told me that i should be grateful he had kept me because he could have put me into care and with being a man people wouldn't have frowned upon it. he said it in an attacking way when i hadn't even said anything so i don't know why he came out with it. I cant express how i feel so i will do this in capitals (please do excuse my language this anger is quite a bit out of character) WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE GRATEFULL ONE OF MY PARENTS CREATED ME AND KEPT ME? ? THATS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO!!!!!!! just because he is a man it takes two, yes she is the Carrier but he got it out of his trousers so why should he be excused of raising that life he created. I'm so upset that people can have family and friends and that is what they are worth, they deserve that and those people want them for them, they are not told they are privileged. yet for me no one has ever bothered with me and the couple of people i have got tell me i should be grateful to have them obviously because I'm not worth it i guess is what they mean. I'm nice to them I'm not nasty to them so if they think i should be grateful that implies they don't really want me otherwise i would be worth enough to have them but i have never done anything to imply i wasnt grateful, what did i do wrong to them? im just not worth anything to anyone. why is everyone else can have someone and I'm cant, always been the same. well start as you mean to go on, meaning from conception Ive been unwanted so why would things have changed. They obviously dont really want me otherwise they wouldnt have even thought it. sorry rant and ramblings over.
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Post by ghost on Jun 6, 2008 16:44:25 GMT -5
please don't apologize.. in fact, i'm exalting you for that post! you know, my last therapist used to get upset for me being so good and grateful.. i also was raised being told i should be grateful over this or that.. it was always pulled out when i needed something my parents would not provide or if they just felt guilty over something they'd start ranting about us selfish kids and how much they have gone without.. (ridiculous when your kids are going hungry while you spend all your welfare money on cigarettes & alcohol!! ) i didn't even know till after i was an adult that my folks got $$ to take care of me! i am professionally grateful.. lol.. the way i understand it so well now is to call it being raised in Scarcity.. when you only know scarcity you continue to live your life from a place of scarcity.. you allow others to treat you badly because you think 'well, it's better than nothing'.. and knowing only too well what that nothing is we keep doing it.. it's when you make that mental jump that you convince yourself of your own worth a little bit that you start to say hey! I was born here exactly the same as every other one of you f***ers and have a right to be here taking up space and oxygen and trying to get happiness like anyone else!!! then you start to Bite Back! it's still a world we have to fight to survive in.. we can be nice to the ones who earn it.. but we need to shift out of our submissive kind caretaking position with those who mess with us.. every single soul deserves loving parents when they are a helpless dependent child.. even us.. keep on posting.. you are on the right track! take care, ghost
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Jun 7, 2008 4:17:57 GMT -5
on the dad front, he was telling me that i should be thankful that he bothered to keep me instead of putting me into care, I wasnt been ungrateful at all so I think he was reminding me to be forever in his debt. on the therapist issue, i havent been horrible to him but he can react so spiteful,I rarely ever miss a session but i did yesterday and hes not there next week so thats longer,but I am going to break away even if its going to take me a few weeks of easing out of it. The last few days ive built up a strong dislike of him which has surprised me, i recognise when hes not very nice but i never say anything and just carry on year after year. I dont know where this anger has come from.
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Jun 25, 2008 6:41:36 GMT -5
warning triggering suicide (again)(please tell me to delete if this is inapropriate) Well I woke up this morning and lying there my imagination wondered to a harbour about 9 miles away and i went through the whole sequence of jumping and it all seems so perfect, when i was little i nearly drowned which stopped me from learning to swim so i know its fool proof providing nobody stops me. I started to feel so at peace when I was thinking about it, finally leaving and being free. Ive always been terrified about what waits me afterlife,will I be punished? will I come back the same or worse off? will my spirit be bound and lost? but ive just remembered i was given the new testament and psalms when i was 11 and I was depressed so looked up suicide for guidence and support and found this passage Dont you know that you yourselves are gods temple and that God's spirit lives in you? if anyone destroys gods temple, god will destroy him
Yes im really feeling the love there thanks. hopefully that means i will be gone completely, no next life for me which is the way I desperately want it. maybe i will get my dream ending after all
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Jun 25, 2008 12:16:17 GMT -5
Thanks pete What do you suppose happens in afterlife? (particully from suicide) Ive heard so many stories its left me confused, we dont get to heaven, we are destroyed, we end up on the lower spears with the murderers (highest ones are where the angels are etc) or that we go to a sort of hospital to recover if we are mentally ill ready for the next life, and the last one is that we just have to start the same life over. Im so tired i dont want any of these things, there just to be nothing and its over, deep down i dont believe that though, there has to be so much more that we cant even comprehend. (sorry for the questions, being brought up in an atheist family I dont know alot on the subject) ive been thinking about it a lot recently the more death has been on my mind, last night I kept on feeling this wasnt reality, like i was in a dream, it would hit me every now and again this wave of sickness and burning through my body with the realisation that I didnt know if im in reality or dreaming life and this is just where we act it all out. Thanks x
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Post by ghost on Jun 25, 2008 13:43:19 GMT -5
hi mia.. i'm so sorry you are in this awful place.. i'm also someone who has struggled with alot of suicidal ideation/actions.. if you've seen any of my poetry i've used that medium time and time again to express/escape that nowhere place you describe.. the dissociative feeling of unreality you describe is not uncommon especially with people dealing with early insecure attachment/ad.. i've had it.. i was just reading about the lead singer of the 'counting crows' just today.. did you know he has DID (dissociative identity disorder.. an extreme form)? here's the link: psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/06/23/counting-crows-adam-duritz-talks-about-dissociative/anyway.. i've been a christian all my life and so i have had to grapple with the things you said.. will i go to hell if i suicide? what is hell? etc.. but i have found so much in the bible to be poorly understood and often taken out of it's original context and i believe it takes real study to find the truth/answers.. i don't believe a loving god punishes us for our unhappiness.. i do believe completely though that god has given us free will.. we do what we decide.. we even have the right to not believe in him if we want.. we are free to choose suicide, but if we give up on ourselves then maybe he lets us go? after being at that brink several times (suicidal actions) i have come to realize that although i desperately want out of my experience/life i do still want to hope and reach comfort/happiness somehow.. i think attachment insecurity is one of the most devastating psychological conditions humans can be left with to survive.. i can't stress that enough.. i don't want to sound preachy.. but what i think of is the story of jesus on his way to his crucifixion.. he was so stressed over what he was facing that in the garden of gethsemene beforehand he literally sweated blood.. but it was what he had to go through.. i think sometimes as a christian if i were there i would've done anything i could to stop it.. but in reality it's like a parallel for our lives.. like the saying 'we all have our cross to bear'? he had to go through it and all anyone could do was walk alongside his path and try to be a comfort to him while he went through his suffering.. in life that's really all we can do for each other.. suffering does not mean we should be punished.. if jesus was 'perfect' and he suffered so greatly.. why would we be punished? we aren't punished if we give up.. we just have to face where that leaves us.. and i don't know what that would be.. could be something very bleak and beyond help/hope.. god gives us free will.. we are free to not believe in him.. to abandon him.. and he will let us do it. that place outside of his reach i think of as hell.. does that make sense? anyway.. sermon over.. i care.. i hope that is something? please say anything you need to say to let others help/support you through this if we can? ghost
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raining
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Post by raining on Aug 29, 2008 5:23:04 GMT -5
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Aug 29, 2008 5:25:31 GMT -5
I might ring up social services later, I sent of to have all my records from when i was little but havent been sent them yet. Its been a couple of months but am unsure how long its supposed to take.
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Aug 29, 2008 8:20:30 GMT -5
I dont think there will be much on it about my dad because they were only involved when i was very small, its more to see what my mother did to me before she left and what happened when she left, I know it will mention neglect. My dad told me she left and didnt want me/couldnt be bothered another time he told me that he was told by some official that if he took her back we would be put into care. I once asked her (I was 13?) and she lied that she was to ill to keep me. just want the truth I suppose.
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Aug 29, 2008 14:17:39 GMT -5
Thanks yes Im still seeing the same one, hes back next friday after his 5 week holiday, I had to go to the job centre and the womans making me go back to work, i was sat there terrified because of my social phobia thinking how on earth am i going to do this. she asked me what my psych has done in the last few years to help and i thought a second and quietly replied "well... nothings changed really". she looked at me for a while and kept repeating 'nothing? after all this time you havent even thought to question him?!". as she looked at me like i was a complete air head i realised i agreed with her, i am stupid, i ive wasted my late teens and early 20s staying with him. she even told me of courses people like me take that are based in the very building i see him and hes never mentioned it. Things with him are at a dead end, things at home are very depressing, I feel like im going through a very slow death. mandy how are you feeling, are you feeling more connected now?
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Aug 30, 2008 14:00:20 GMT -5
Im glad your feeling a little better now, im really sorry about your grandmother being ill, Try not to feel too guilty, you sound like you really care about what each other are going through, so I dont think she would want you to feel guilty and more stressed. .
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Sept 10, 2008 14:21:36 GMT -5
So so depressed the last few days, ive only just managed to get up of the floor from crying so hard, I cant cope. I started to write a suicide note earlier but didnt know what to write, I cant let my dad see im upset or hell get angry and tell me he cant cope with me/want me around. All I have is some rope and i dont want to do that im terrified god i wish i had some pills. oh god. make it stop its unbearable I swear ive got the emotions and dependency the same as when i was a toddler. im still extremely needy, sensitive, scared and dependent I cant seem to grow up emotionally. yesterday my dad and sister were talking about a lad the same age as me who was in my classes at school being a bank manager on a very high wage and not being able to go any higher his job as its the highest position hes got kids and his home, friends everything and ive got nothing! I than walked out the room and heard them talking about me how ive had all these years and done nothing. just when i was feeling bad i cant get any lower now. all throughout the day its unbearable i cant cope
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Sept 11, 2008 6:09:22 GMT -5
Never mind.........I'm sorting it, it will be solved by this time next week if all goes well
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Post by ghost on Sept 11, 2008 11:45:59 GMT -5
hi mia.. (oops pete.. mia not mandy.. you threw me off there..) mia.. you had help getting to the low you feel now, going without the proper support when you needed it most from people like your father who is so wrongfully/blindly making value judgments now.. (when people have to do that it's to try to make their own low esteem feel inflated, you know?) who cares about this banker anyway? how do you know he doesn't have problems of his own? how do we ever know what's really going on with others.. you are in such an unsupportive environment.. i know i say that over and over, but it is so true.. it keeps depleting you and discouraging you.. it keeps you down.. your dad & your psych/therapist.. if you truly are at such a point of taking such drastic action i wish you could think of it the way i had to.. if i'm ready to die, then first let me try one big drastic change possibly for the better instead, then if that doesn't help at least i know i was brave and tried.. with me it took moving a thousand miles away from the bozos i'm related to and the therapist who was doing more harm than good.. and it was scary as hell, i had to be kinda suicidal to go through with that jump! if you could only see me then sobbing into my radiohead jacket the whole drive up here.. worried to death about my kitties in their carriers who were meowing in fear! i thought i'd never make it! but i/we did! and it was the bravest biggest thing i ever did.. i never ever regret it.. even though life is Still very hard at times, i have found happiness here too! i can breathe here without having failure pointed out to me in official detail every week.. mia, you matter and have value no matter what you 'accomplish' in society.. the hell with society! i was a perfect example.. i was one of those genius i.q. brain kids.. tested and tested since i was little and put into all the special classes, college classes/ap & told i could do literally anything i chose in life! ha ha ha ! they didn't know the parents/family homelife i was trying to survive! it made all the difference.. so i went from a national merit commended student straight into seclusion/agoraphobia.. while my best friend all through school who used to be jealous of my easy A's in classes who had money & supportive parents went off to Yale and became a neurobiologist who now is high up working at one of the big drug companies! (and she is the one i wrote about having such bad S.A.D. seasonal affective disorder..) i feel dignity simply because i am a survivor! you need to fight for your life and survive too.. not give up & let them win.. keep writing, ghost
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