Repressed memories?

[ghost]

mandy,
i couldn't agree more with your sentiments..
(i know i posted on this subject here somewhere?)
i was told flat out that i had been molested by my father,
accused like i was lying, and i swear i remember not a hint of any such thing, yet i have very good remote memory, even of much of the trauma.. i agree there may be repressed memory in there as well, but i think it could have to do with another party (the pedophile next door maybe? hmm..?), but i think it's wrong for the 'pros' to make these kinds of accusations/decisions without damn good cause.. but they do..
in fact it has been an inherent problem in the system that has harmed clients and their families/loved ones rather than helped.. this is now known and understood now..
just like the wave of supposed 'satanic ritual abuse' victims that were 'uncovered' during hypnosis.. they had to go back and do therapy all over again for all the damage the false memories caused..

with me, i am sensitized to what my body experiences, after decades of numbness and dissociation where i ignored even injuries, now i am almost too connected to what my body feels, it's an ongoing anxiety issue that has a life of it's own.. like with the eating disorder, even maintaining a healthy weight/diet, i am still chronically food-phobic and have the same ongoing panic attacks over eating foods daily.. i'm just so sensitized, wired to panic & not trust anything, not trusting myself even, my body, my judgment and perception..

yes, it is bad enough what you went through.. and what i went through, without the stamp of sexual abuse to somehow validate our dis-ease.. always listen to your own discerning instincts first.. that's what i've learned after 20+ years of 'pros'..

ghost

[ghost]

mandy,
stick to what you know unless/until anything new pops up..
that's my attitude on it..
i mean i don't deny old trauma can be forgotten/blocked..
even with my good memory of very early events i also am surprised when i'm around others/siblings who bring up things i just somehow forgot or disregarded till that moment..
and i also have periods of hazy alcoholic amnesia (highschool !)
but like you i have a habit of memory 'recording' that serves to validate my own reality since no one else would.. i wonder if i'm 'hypergraphic' at times with all my journals & writing.. it's all i have much of the time and it helps me so much.. so i've been at times very preoccupied with my past, going over remote memories in self hypnosis at times looking for anything else, any clues.. since there was this pedophile i went out with all the time..
i mean i makes me kinda mad the idea that there could be part of my past i don't even get the benefit of remembering! so i try!
i just haven't found anything else, so until i do i don't allow any 'pro' to advise me different..

sexual abuse is so common that everyone looks for it..
they seem to think we're all about hiding the 'truth' & that's the problem, and if you argue it too aggressively.. aha!! it must be true!! sorry.. i've just gotten a bit cynical about pros as everyone knows.. i'd love to find a good one that i really trusted.. but as long as they insist they know better than you, how can you trust?
i always believe i can only trust someone who also can trust me..
then we can work on anything..

your situation sounds so much like mine.. my alcoholic dad and his shady alcoholic friends.. once at like age 10-11 i was babysitting for one of my dad's known perverted type drinking buddies and he was dropped off at home with me & the baby because he'd gotten too drunk! so he tried getting fresh with me and i was terrified to leave the baby alone there sleeping to get away, but i eventually did.. but i now always wonder did i forget some critical thing there? did i block something out? i'd sure as hell like to know.. but i don't think i did.

my last therapist was always trying to get me to use the 'abuse' word.. and i had trouble with it.. i believe it was abuse, emotional & occasionally physical, in my family.. but she wanted me to make such leaps.. where i could only see it as serious dysfunction and neglect with a few episodes of real abuse.. i mean i can draw the distinction..

memory works in a complex way as little children, too..
for example.. when i was 3 my mom was shampooing my hair in the bathtub and was in a bad mood.. maybe i wasn't cooperating quickly enough, i dunno, but she told me i was a rotten brat and held me under the water! (she denied this completely years later when i brought it up so that made me remember it all the more!)
i always thought of it as a bad lapse on a really bad day.. but my therapist would say 'she tried to drown/murder you' and i just couldn't truly make the jump.. although as a kid i know i felt like she wanted me gone.. it was like the feeling became disconnected from that event, but was floating somewhere else, and i remember 'bad dreams' about struggling in the bathtub that was too full of water.. i wonder if that happened and i split that off too and thought it was a dream? memories can split/dissociate with that kind of trauma..
i know this was a true memory.. i even remember my mom had her hair cut short at that time & was pregnant with my little brother..
(as a matter of fact my mom also tried to smother my older sisters as babies.. unbelieveable, i know, but she told me so herself.. she was institutionalized for awhile even because she was caught!)

anyway.. i went on & on.. but maybe it's food for thought?
i always leave the possibility open, but until i'm convinced myself, i'm not going down that road, you know?

i guess they think they're doing there job probing and probing, but i know i get more upset when it seems my 'trusted' therapist doesn't seem to remember what i've already told them..
that '100' list.. that would really bug me, because if she focused on something that didn't happen, it's kind of invalidating everything you are telling her did happen..

ghost

[ghost]

you practically need to become a dr yourself, and a therapist, and while you're at it an auto mechanic and accountant..
i mean i never feel truly like i can trust putting myself into the hands of these people for care or services.. unless a true basis for trust has been developed over time just like you do with anyone else..
i don't understand why so many people still hold drs/phds up on such a pedestal like they don't make mistakes? (know that i don't mean you do this..) they do just like everyone else.. and it's potentially dangerous.. and often profitable.. so buyer beware, as with any paid service..

i hate having to work through all this kind of crap when you just want to have a trusted, educated friend/counselor, you know?
the last one i saw was the best i'd found, and even then it was the kind of 'know-it-all' attitude that broke down the whole thing.. she didn't know it all.. the minute someone thinks they do they close their minds and game is over..

also, mandy, keep in mind why many go into the field of counseling in the first place.. their own issues! the idea that they clear all this up before they begin practicing is ludicrous!! maybe the very best of them do.. but i know personally of therapists with major major problems who can't help but harm their clients due to their own baggage..

what dysfunctional caretaker doesn't want to be in that position of power over others, being the authority who is always admired while all the problems obviously stem for their poor troubled clients..

sorry, mini-rant? haha..
just thank goodness you are a smart one, mandy..
i've had the same kind of fears you describe because i am the obsessive type to be sure.. if i start to worry about some memory it's very hard to get over it.. the pedophile situation i mentioned..
he used to take me out on what i now see as no different from 'dates' when i was just little 3-8? he bought me little dresses, gave me cards, presents, valentines, even $100 for toys because he found out that was my wish! he took me to disneyland for my 8th bday (just us 2!) what parents allow this?! then he tired of me when i turned 10 (an old lady?) and began molesting my brother and his friends.. it was very lewis carroll-ish.. i don't remember anything happening.. hell, i loved the guy!!
but when i got a little older i just suddenly KNEW he was a pedophile.. i knew it and couldn't get anyone to understand and couldn't resolve it because he was out of the state.. it drove me nuts, why did i know this?? anyway it wasn't confirmed till years later when his stepsons came forward and he actually did time..

i google mapped (street view) his name/address.. and it's the creepiest thing in the world to me i swear, he lives in this remote mountain town.. and there is not anyone on the street at all in either direction, but at his house is this older guy just standing around out in front of his garage looking up and down the street!!!!

it gives me the creeps because i worry he's looking for kids..

sorry if i swerved the subject!

ghost