raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Oct 1, 2008 15:53:18 GMT -5
Didnt notice the board went for a while, really glad its back now. Well here comes the tears and suicidal thoughts again....they seemed to ease a little the last few days but are very much back Dreading going to bed soon as I know that means waking up in the morning Hope mandys doing okay x
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Post by ghost on Oct 6, 2008 13:23:35 GMT -5
we've got to help you make some new associations for october, mandy.. it's the best month of the year! i used to have so many bad family associations.. especially around the 4th of july.. i still get panic attacks even all these years later.. but with my guys we've made new 4th of july associations/memories and it gets better every year.. we drove over to sauvie island yesterday to this big farmer's market.. it's all farms there and U-pick blueberries/pumpkins/corn.. even lavendar! they had a cornmaze but it was so muddy we'll wait for a dryer day.. but we bought some pumpkins.. well one big pumpkin and a smaller 'sweetmeat squash' which is a cool little blue-grey squash.. sorta ghosty! we put up some halloween glowing skelleys & other decorations.. we're all ready for halloween already? but i'll wait to carve the jack-o-lanterns till just before.. i've been busy posting youtubes & google videos.. my son & i are posting our entire 'game gallery' to google.. it's literally hours & hours of snippets of every game we own from NES to XBOX.. anyone into games, especially vintage ones just visit my blog for the links.. we're still updating! (just look for all the butterflies..) happy october.. only 25 more days!!!! ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 6, 2008 14:21:12 GMT -5
mandy.. i know.. those associations are real and hard to break.. all through childhood my psychotic/alcoholic sister turned every holiday into a huge crisis all centered around her.. it ruined every holiday.. but once i had my freedom from all that i've made every effort to sort of 'get my holidays back' from all the sadness/madness.. making new good memories is hard at first but eventually it will happen.. sorry about your friend.. thanksgiving was about the one good holiday we had because my great grandma would cook & bake and all the old relatives would visit.. nice & safe and not a big drinking holiday like all the others.. this big spider is helping decorate our house for halloween! i don't know how it feels to have parents divorce.. i always wished mine would.. but they stuck together & just fought instead.. i don't know which is worse? take care, ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 7, 2008 11:56:53 GMT -5
good to hear you there, thumper! and i so agree.. with me it was because of my son.. it was instant motivation for me to want to make holidays something better for his life than i had known and in that process i made my own new associations.. it's still tough at times though.. i had one friend who od'd one a.m. before school.. her sister went to wake her up and she was gone.. you never forget.. but you keep part of their story with you since you're alive.. and you try to bring them along with your memories for a better ending in a way.. i feel like i have part of my sister's spirit with me that way.. (the one who became mentally ill when i was little that i was so close to.. it's kinda like a death.. only with no closure, she still is chronically mentally ill.. ) i found this letter she wrote me back when she was just starting to lose her battle with schizophrenia & just recently shopped it up & have it at my blog.. (she is the one who taught me to draw/paint & write poetry! so whenever i do these things i feel like i'm taking her with me somehow..) i think she wrote this as a poem so i'd save it.. you can tell by the date at the bottom how long i've saved it.. to me it was like a goodbye.. www.brensgumbyland.com/images/antiqueautobiography.jpgtake care all, ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 7, 2008 19:57:06 GMT -5
mandy, both of those situations just seem really pretty painful.. i can see that i'd be struggling just like you are.. maybe i was lucky to have my son right when i did.. i am not sure i would've had a reason to look at life in a happier light on my own.. he came along just like sunshine.. i hope for the best for you.. some good things down the road because you deserve it.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 10, 2008 13:51:43 GMT -5
oh my! you know i was thinking of that whole idea of 'abuse' question again & all the hedging i did in therapy away from that word.. made me appreciate how eloquently elliott articulates that position in his lyrics for the song 'abused'.. the not so itsy bitsy spider: ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 13, 2008 13:03:28 GMT -5
wow, hey it's approaching fast! 18 days? here's another of my youtubes.. another run through the haunted mansion (from the back side..) ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 14, 2008 12:33:16 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on Oct 16, 2008 10:18:55 GMT -5
thanks! & one for frankie.. what a morning! i'm here early having my coffee because once again i couldn't sleep at all.. yesterday i had one of my migraines and voices just had such an edge to the sound i could hardly stand it/phonophobic.. then it left me in a kind of anxiety attack.. i call it that but all it feels like is my same old insecurity that i can never fix.. it's like i grasp for it (feeling 'better'? safe/secure?) and try everything but it is a feeling beyond my reach and i just get frantic and exhausted.. then this a.m. i heard this plaintive meowing outside in the cold and rain and got my flashlight.. worried my hubby might have accidentally let one of our kitties out when he left.. it turned out to be our little neighbor kitty, luna.. she's all black with no tail ( ) meowing in terror in our backyard because she couldn't get back to her own yard due to our little raccoon family! it turns out to be not 3 but 4 kits & mama.. i had to scare them out of the way for her to run through the fence.. hope she got home ok?.. just still depressed & insecure these days.. but good news, my hubster finally got his promised raise! means he'll go back to regular 5 day weeks so no more long weekends, but frankly, that's ok.. he's a bear sometimes.. hope everyone is ok? 2 weeks till halloween! there's a 'haunted cemetery' we're going to try to go to this weekend.. young people dress up and haunt and you drive by the cemetery in your car.. that's about my speed! ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 21, 2008 17:02:57 GMT -5
such a sad anniversary.. and they turned us away at lincoln high.. too many people trying to visit the plaque.. mandy i was amazed that you made that youtube.. you have serious talent.. i guess i keep telling you that? hey, proceed with caution.. the 'davis' haunted cemetery was excellent.. i took video, maybe i'll make a youtube? but i've been sick.. we'll see.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 24, 2008 11:45:24 GMT -5
hello folks.. i'm migraine free at the moment! thought i'd post this little video i found: myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=45022094 one more week till halloween.. hey mandy, i agree the 'xgf' having access to everything sounds hinky to me.. as far as the memory lapses.. i gotta tell you from experience, that alcoholic amnesia haze can blot out whole days.. memory blackout is common with an alcoholic.. & like you say, he 'drinks to forget'.. maybe he was already drinking heavily back when you were involved before & was trying to hide it? i'm not judging your friend personally, i mean, i'm speaking from my own experience & those hazy times/years.. plus the paranoia diagnosis? sounds like someone else doesn't believe the 'xgf' stories maybe?? i don't need to tell you what you already know.. caution.. ghost p.s. i had only ever seen the second one of those graphics you made - thanks! what do you think about 'coraliza' & 'we're all friends now'?
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Post by ghost on Oct 24, 2008 18:55:33 GMT -5
The memory loss within our relationship has to be something else. Completely unrelated, but do you think you could send me the ES font (the nicer one)? I used to have it, but apparently I didn't save it to a disc when I got a new computer. I went through all of my discs this weekend and could only find the first version of it. did his 'memory loss' seem particularly selective? i mean, was it inconsistent with his memory about other everyday things? just a thought.. also is this the 'newer' elliott font you mentioned? www.com/vb/showthrea...t=elliott+fontsomeone on sa has it up in a zip! 'we're all friends now' is great! coraliza is so 'before he found his voice' hehe.. he sounds so 80's.. also there's confirmation he did a david bowie cover of 'rock&roll suicide' too.. did you see this new pic? makes me smile.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 24, 2008 19:31:30 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on Oct 27, 2008 11:41:55 GMT -5
mandy, i had the same problem with my hubby before we knew he had attention deficit disorder.. but with a.d.d. usually it's in there (in his head) but just needs to be sort of brought back out.. i think of a.d.d. as like having memories sitting on a shelf and they keep falling back off.. if you want a conversation about say something you discussed a week ago you have to bring up sort of a review to get him back up to speed.. otherwise he will have forgotten completely.. well, anyway that's a way to distinguish between add and pure memory loss i guess.. but also someone with add can just not really be paying attention at all but nodding and saying 'yeah'.. very frustrating because then they don't remember anything at all.. add is pretty common, did (dissociative identity disorder) is pretty rare.. there are even organic things like you can have leftover from a head injury or illness.. hard to know? it's so quiet here.. and halloween's almost here.. i haven't even carved my pumpkins yet! noticed we have a new member, welcome - fallcolors! jump in anywhere! speaking of fall colors, i'm going over to post some in the pix thread.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 28, 2008 12:49:07 GMT -5
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