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Post by exiledempath on Dec 10, 2007 20:57:26 GMT -5
i've been seeing my therapist for about 7 1/2 years. I've been seeing him twice a week for a bit over two years i think. I am clearly attached to him, but i get really scared to be too vulnerable with him. I feel like i am a failure because it is so difficult to get close to him. I believe that this would be the case with any therapist. Giving over my power to people in authority terrifies me.
I hate struggling so much with attachment
stephen
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Post by exiledempath on Dec 11, 2007 21:47:39 GMT -5
hi mandy, my T thinks i'm odd because i can't get vulnerable with him. I told him on Monday that i have a hard time crying if he cries to analyze me too much, or if he uses too big of words when trying to communicate with me. my older parts can understand what is being said, but my younger parts (inner child) is not responsive to head energy, and tends get disinterested, and retreats. I told my T that in oder for me to get more vulnerable with him i need him to not talk so much. He said he would keep that in mind. it was always very dangerous to show my feelings when i was little so I would get in trouble a lot too i also struggle when there is pressure to cry. thank you for understanding btw i live in Chico that's about 90 mi north of Sacramento stephen hi thumper i think i desparately needs to experience of having someone be there for me you uses their authority responsibly. Getting my inner child to trust him is the hard part. Unfortunately i tend to be in my inner child about 80% of the time. i lot of time get mad at him cuz he won't be my friend or play with me. it really makes sense what you wrote i appreciate the support take care stephen:)
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on Feb 11, 2008 17:04:47 GMT -5
Hey Stephen, I can understand what your saying,
When i was little crying was forbidden in front of other people because of my dad, if i cried in the morning he wouldn't let me out of the house to walk to school until i stopped and the redness went out of my face from the crying. He didn't want people to see when he was nasty to me and me being upset would reflect on him being a bad parent. I'm now 22 and i cant cry in front of people as i had to learn a long time ago it was forbidden, My therapist has got very annoyed at me in the past and has even told me hes been close to getting rid of me because of my inability to show any emotion in front of him and connect to him, but how can i? hell only leave me like everyone else has, I feel its a no win situation really.
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Feb 17, 2008 10:36:16 GMT -5
Hi Pete, Thanks for responding Ive read some of your abyss and am glad things are looking up for you. (is my understanding of your last post) In response to changing therapists, I know my psychotherapist doesn't really like me much because he thinks I'm wasting his intelligence and time, one time he told me he can see why people wouldn't want me and give up on me, this was in a nasty way along with some other horrible words, well a few days later i rang to say i don't know if i could face coming back and he completely lied and denied any knowledge of it, when these things happen he puts the blame on me even if he knows he was in the wrong, instead of apologising he says things like "well that sounds like life doesn't it?" meaning its normal for people to be horrible and i don't live a normal social life so what would i know. The thing is though I know I cant just walk away because I think I've got Transference of sorts, so if anyone has any advise on if i should attempt to let him know before i completely give up on the whole situation I would really appreciate it. Telling him would be impossible so I might have to try and write it although he gets annoyed about me writing things down, ha, I cant make this man happy!. :(Thanks if you managed to read it was a bit of a long post.
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Post by ghost on Feb 17, 2008 13:23:48 GMT -5
raining, this is an out of line therapist to say the least.. and that he threatens to get rid of you for not being able to show emotion?!? that he is not a good therapist seems clear.. but you mentioned having transference, does that mean it's hard to leave? i know i saw a male psychologist early in my life that was a real dud, and yet i made him out to be the sun in my mind, like the father i never had, when in fact he acted more like the one i really did have! leaving was very hard, but i'm so glad i did.. and i look back now in wonder that i attached so to that person?! later i had Much better therapists, one in particular that i got along with very well.. don't let this bully hold your emotional health back.. find somebody else.. (i know that sounds easy and is in fact not an easy process.. but this is just not doing you any service at all, being re-abused in this way..) take care, ghost
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on Feb 17, 2008 16:24:07 GMT -5
Thanks thumper and ghost, Its so good to be validated on this, i thought i was just dreaming some of it because like thumper said hes good at manipulation, I often think he would be better as a lawyer! He upsets me, and i go running back every time. Hes basically told me hes the only one who would put up with me, This is my problem, no one wants me but hes there so whatever he does now i cant break away because even if i sit there not saying much or connecting week after week i still feel like i cant survive without having him. If I'm honest, (this gets a bit difficult) a part of me is okay with him trapping me emotionally because in some odd way its security, but if i see it happening to someone else or a storyline on TV i go mad about it, I'm being a hypocrite. Anyway It sounds like someones been upsetting you thumper, I hope your doing okay. And ghost I'm glad you could break away and find someone you could trust and get along with, it must of took a lot for you to do that, change and letting go of people is hard. Take Care xxx Mia
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Post by sportsfan on May 11, 2008 20:43:24 GMT -5
Hello, Yes, I have struggled with therapists as well. I have gone to therapy off and on for about 12 years, with several different therapists. And I guess for the most part, I struggle with what I am supposed to disclose and what I am not supposed to disclose, I just generally get to the point where I question their competence, it seems like I would make a better therapist than they would. I always begin counseling with the greatest intentions, and going in there with a open mind, and I always just assume that they are going to help me, and that they have their stuff together but I find a few sessions into it that they are kind of not into it, or get sleepy, or cut me off at crucial points where I am just beginning to get into something major. My first therapist didn't even hardly talk, and after about 3-4 sessions, I finally asked him what he thought of all my ramblings, and he asked me what I was trying to run from. And the next therapist I went to was a guy that was often about running late about 10 minutes, and then would say when I was talking that he related to things that I was talking about, and that he had experienced that in his own life, and start talking about it a little bit, which maybe he thought maybe would make me feel comfortable. He was ok, but I just never really felt like I was connecting with him, he told me when I was layed off that I was really risking causing serious mental problems to myself by not finding work, which did nothing but scare me, and it didn't help me find a job. My next therapist was a woman, who had rage issues, she would rage at patients that were in her waiting room, rage at her assistant, and then rage at me sometimes too. It was quite odd, to say the least. And then when I told her that my wife was hanging out with another male friend, going to movies, going out to dinner and lunch with him, etc. this therapist told me that in several states in the United States that they would not hold a man responsible for shooting and killing a man that was doing this with his wife. That thought never even entered my mind at all. So I wondered who needed the counseling more me or this therapist. When sharing with these therapists, I often wondered to myself am I disclosing too much, do they think I am crazy? I just often can't tell if I disclosing too much, too little. I guess I always thought that you just let it all hang out in counseling. So I still struggle with that - and I guess really if I am having those types of thoughts well, I think my gut or my inner child is telling me that they are not comfortable sharing this, and I need to honor those feelings. I am going to a counselor now, who is also a pastor at my church whom I really enjoy. I go about once a month, I see him at church too, and am in one of his groups that the church offers. So I don't know if the spiritual aspect of his counseling makes a difference or not. He doesn't really push the spiritual part, I do though being that he is also a pastor at the church. So he does his counseling at a separate counseling office. I do like him, and maybe because I see him out of the counseling office helps, because I see other sides of him, and see him more as a friend, or I do now anyway. So counseling can sometimes be detrimental to one's healing I think, but I think that you have to keep looking for somebody to share this stuff with, and I don't really think it is fair to share it with friends, and family, co-workers, etc.....because well these folks don't forget and might hold it against you later. And family members begin to treat you differently it seems like, and friends too for that matter, sometimes throwing digs about your recovery in there. But, it is essential to recovery to keep trying counseling or talking to a pastor, priest, or whatever your faith is, and keep trying to find a person that you can speak with about these things, and I think that when you do find that person you can confide in, it will change your life. It really will, so I would encourage you to keep trying to find this person. And if you are in a marriage or relationship and are sharing things about your relationship with your friends and family well, they will hold things that you say about the other person against them. That really isn't cool or fair. My ex-wife went to marriage counseling, and she wouldn't disclose her true feelings, or facts - she would tell things that made the counselor view her in the best possible light which is so silly and stupid, that you go to marriage counseling but then aren't honest with the marriage counselor, and what would happen is I would get so angry that she wasn't being honest that I would get angry right there in counseling. Becaue the counselor would then base all of their future communications based on this faulty information, and then not even acknowledge my insistence that what she was saying was not accurate. Anyway marriage counseling was very frustrating, it is very hard to deal with somebody that is not telling the truth. Well, enough for now sportsfan
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Post by ghost on May 12, 2008 13:49:30 GMT -5
hey sportsfan.. that was a really excellent post.. and i could've quoted most of it! i have been in and out of therapy for just about 20 years.. and as someone who has read extensively on psychological subjects for at least as long, i also end up feeling like some of the people practicing just aren't as competent as they'd need to be to help me.. not that they aren't smart and educated.. but my issues that arrive from early insecure attachment are still not very well understood by your average therapist.. and often i find that the people i talk with on these kinds of boards know so much more about what is really going on than the 'pros'.. we are the real pros, just with different letters after our names, huh? (ad, ptsd.. etc.. hehe) so much of the time the therapists get so caught up in pushing meds or thinking they know what's best before they've really even heard or gotten to what's really eating you.. and once they think they know you better than you know yourself they close their minds and stop listening.. then therapy might as well end, in my opinion.. i've wasted enough money in that spot.. i also have struggled with what to disclose/not disclose and let my trust level steer what i bring up.. but i am always disappointed and never reached a point of true sharing because i could never build the necessary trust.. i could always see through the 'unconditional positive regard' and the little lies of therapy.. the inconsistencies.. after all this time i have the opinion that it'd be better to be able to share this stuff with a friend/trusted family member (if i had one.. haha) despite what you mention about it possibly being held against you.. just because at least it's Real. but then i find that most people don't have the interest/understanding that the pros have.. so it's a tough spot. anyway.. i look forward to reading more of your posts and welcome! ghost
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
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Post by raining on May 12, 2008 14:12:32 GMT -5
Hi sportsfan, I agree with the honesty thing, on one hand people who arnt honest are only cheating themselves with no way of change or properly understanding themselves but on the other hand honesty is incredibly difficult sometimes, i dont want to admit all my bad traits sometimes, if not to someone else then to myself. Also its hard to trust others, this is painstaking for me, i know im going to be left by everyone so i have to create a huge barrier to keep people out to stop them from hurting me. on the therapy issue, sometimes you just need someone who relates to you not just what they have read out of text books, i know i have said something to my therapist and he says something different then adds "well i know im right"!!!! They sometimes like the conclusion they come up with so much that they dont care if its truth or correct, which gets you nowhere.
They also like to stereotype on occasion and want you to open up and confide in them things that might not have even happened if you know what i mean.
Yes so finding the right person is hard, thats why im trying to learn myself like ghost, try and understand the cause and affect, its interesting reading but also sometimes too difficult, i still avoid certain areas of research because its still just to raw.
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Post by killertofu on May 14, 2008 15:02:30 GMT -5
i completely agree with this
i've never had a real therapist, so to speak, but even talking to people on suicide hotlines, etc. seem to sort of want you to confess to certain things that aren't true.
i guess people are just naturally prone to their judgments
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