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Post by ghost on Sept 17, 2007 14:44:58 GMT -5
"Dysthymia is a long-term, mild depression that lasts for a minimum of two years. There must be persistent depressed mood continuously for at least two years. By definition the symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression, although those with Dysthymia are vulnerable to co-occurring episodes of Major Depression. This disorder often begins in adolescence and crosses the lifespan. People who are diagnosed with major depressive episodes and dysthymic disorder are diagnosed with double depression. Dysthymic disorder develops first and then one or more major depressive episodes happen later."
this is a wiki quote a friend of mine posted up at the elliott smith forum i visit.. it wraps me up to a 't'.
sometimes i avoid posting here at the forum simply because i don't want to drag the atmosphere down with my chronic depressive ramblings.. but i guess others are grappling with it every day just the way i am.. so this thread is for anyone who needs to bellyache about how depressed they are.. i don't want to be prozacked up all smiley fake, so i just have to figure out ways to try to cope from day to day..
i don't know if this will help anyone.. but feel free to share the thread and post anything you want..
like the above quote states.. i've had this low-grade ongoing depression since high school, but i had signs and episodes even in childhood.. but i was always driven enough to push through and function well enough to manage.. (alcohol was my big crutch, though it is a depressant in itself it was the only time i ever felt normal or 'happy'..) i've also been through many periods of major depression.. enough to be grateful when it's simply the regular old familiar kind again..
i dip into lows, especially when i get a migraine, which is a frequent occurrence with me (also since childhood).. and as i get older i find that i am so worn down from pain that my depression is deeper and blacker now.. i'm tired. and i'm out of ideas and resources so the depression just takes over on a regular basis.. i rant and write in journals, i try to have my little creative outlets to handle it safely without hurting myself or anyone else.. but i'm right there at the edge too often.
in and out of therapy forever.. last diagnosis was 'major depression'.. among other things sometimes therapy helped, just having someone knowledgeable to talk to helped, but the prozactive atmosphere always ended up driving me back into hiding.
amongst it all i manage to make progress in one area or another, quit drinking, get to a healthy weight, etc.. but i've done these things before only to see them eventually deteriorate..
i feel like an outcast among the humans, i keep everyone at arm's length because i'm sure my depression must simply be driving others away and i'm tired of getting hurt. i actually have alot of interests to share and a good sense of humor, albeit a dark one.. but the dark side shows all the time.. i am used to depression.. i know i can't be saved. but like everyone else i just want company.. so it sucks. ;D
ghost
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Post by ghost on Sept 18, 2007 12:17:36 GMT -5
thanks, thumper! i know the first half of my life i never said a peep to anyone about anything going on with me.. i was trained to live in one big secret by my family.. but the first psychologist i saw broke me out of that silence.. i'm not real happy about it actually, i felt kinda protected in that kind of silence.. now i talk nervously around others.. ;D oh and i always have this smile plastered on my face no matter how bad i feel.. still always trying to take care of others' feelings before my own.. sometimes i wish i could rip that smile off! haha.. but at least i can express myself.. no secrets to keep anymore since it's so long ago.. but others don't know what to do with me, i am sure.. please feel free to vent here too, ok? believe me there is nothing that scares me anymore.. glad you like our little forum.. ghost
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lyly
Full Member
Posts: 112
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Post by lyly on Sept 19, 2007 14:47:36 GMT -5
oh fuck i'm so depressed tonight i don't even want to see the only flatmate that i like ... i don't want to go out of my bedroom i feel that i picked a too big challenge for me .. 4 years in Scotland .. I don't even know how I'll can keep going until next month .. i'm already broke, and tomorrow i have this appointment with this woman about my Asperger and the Uni ... Monday the course will begin and i feel so shitty, it's like i don't even want to try to go, anyway i'll be unable to have good grades and i'll fail as usual and it s the first time that i miss my house and my adoptive parents so much, i feel really really bad, i want to come back home...
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emma
Full Member
Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Sept 21, 2007 21:28:55 GMT -5
Hey Lyly, Just saw your post and wanted to say that I am sorry things are so difficult for you now. But man, 4 years in Scotland sounds pretty cool. I know it must be scarey too. I remember when I first went off to college and I was sooooo home sick, which made me feel even sicker because I ffuucckkiinnggg hated home!?!?!?!?! Sigh. Who knows what that was about. Anyway, I think it is natural too be upset when you begin a new change, especially something so big.
Also, wanted to say that you should not apologize for posting about depresion here (or anything else) because that's what this site is here for and everyone here has been/is/might become depressed. I've been gradually comming out of a depression that began 3 years ago. This site has helped, definitely! I still rage though. Glad you posted. Hope you are feeling better. em
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Post by sleepflower on Sept 24, 2007 3:50:33 GMT -5
Thanks for this thread, Ghost. I know what you mean about not posting in the real dark times. I'm guilty of that too (and also guilty of not posting at all for long periods, but I promise to be better at that). I just feel (online and IRL) that I'll just meet with "there she goes again..." you know? I also know what you mean with the journals and writing and the creativity. I have...let me count...two ordinary journals, one day-to-day weight-loss journal and one 'I WILL BE THIN, DAMN EVERYTHING!!' journal, just on the go at the moment! Plus my laptop 'journal' folder and an autobiographical-type work in which I'm attempting to make sense of what's in my brain by writing it. (That's over 52,000 words long so far - ) I had my first big breakdown in 1995, my second in 1998, my third in 2003 and I'm trying to keep out of my fourth and not doing so well at the moment. As you say, the time in between seems to be just drifting, trying to stay afloat. I'm probably rambling like crazy but what I'm trying to say is that I know what you mean. And Lyly...you've been so strong so far in moving to Scotland and into a whole new way of life. It's a really big thing. Going to University is a major life change. I hope things improve really soon. In my experience of University, as soon as my course began I met a whole load of like-minded people and didn't really have much need to go back to where I lived except to sleep! to you all... x
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Post by sleepflower on Sept 24, 2007 8:15:34 GMT -5
You're very, very right, Pete.
Posting certainly does help to get things out, and it helps to know that somebody there is listening, you know?
I'll post more if you do, Pete - I really like the atmosphere here, when people are around!
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Post by sleepflower on Sept 24, 2007 10:20:45 GMT -5
I think we've done well on the postings today, Pete! I'm going to be better at posting from now on. I hereby declare that I will stop lurking and start talking!
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Post by sleepflower on Sept 24, 2007 14:02:49 GMT -5
yay, thanks old friend!!
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Post by ghost on Sept 24, 2007 15:04:29 GMT -5
hey sleepflower.. i keep several journals the way you mention.. (one was also a weight loss oriented one.. ) what i don't rant in there comes out in some pretty wicked expressionist artwork or poetry.. but it's all better out than in.. if depression is anger turned inward then i advocate venting/ranting away all you want.. we may not know how to advise/solve problems for each other but we can hear and be heard.. that validation is so important.. thanks to everyone who contributes to the depressionfest!!! ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Sept 25, 2007 2:21:09 GMT -5
Exactly right, Ghost, and thanks for the depressionfest!
I did the artwork thing last night - just a couple of line drawings but I forgot how much I loved to draw!
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Post by ghost on Nov 1, 2007 13:40:25 GMT -5
thumper.. i'm counting on that karmic backlash! i've forgiven and forgiven and forgiven and no one even knows i forgave them of anything.. in my family i was the quiet 'good' one.. the smart one.. i was the ear for every other family member to endlessly drone on in.. to listen to all their problems and feelings and be on their side.. always trying to find special ways to make these people feel happy.. no matter how hard i tried.. the minute i stepped to one side of that role and had a feeling of my own that was not popular to their needs i was downright evil. then i was the lowest most selfish ugly creature on the planet suddenly.. they are so narcissistic that they have no awareness of their wrongs.. no matter how great (and they are great.) pete's right.. it was like this for us right from the beginning.. our caretakers were either too messed up or narcissistic to ever love us just as us. the way we deserved to be, by the way.. and the world of a child is ego-centric.. at that time we only perceive the world as revolving around our own small emerging sense of self.. so therefore whatever happens is our fault.. when we grow up we try to sort this out, but again like pete said, the old feelings of personal fault feel so core to us.. we failed. we failed to make our caretakers love us so we are vile. i have a horrible problem of verbally abusing myself inside my own skull.. even being intellectually aware of what i'm doing i can't seem to curb it.. i think i still just struggle to feel like i have any control over my universe at all so i try to beat myself into doing better somehow.. haha.. truly i tell you this.. your internal resources will run dry.. it is in your best interest to figure out how and where to set boundaries for others now.. where to choose your battles.. or like you said you will just dwindle away like fishfood as others pick little bites of you away.. there are sometimes people you find that give you back some of that internal resource and recharge you.. seek them out if you can.. i know it goes against our ad nature.. we try to please the difficult/needy ones because we are still trying to work out this old issue.. i had to leave my relatives a thousand miles behind me.. that's major, i know.. but i have never regretted a second of it.. it saved my life, literally. now rebuilding is my great challenge.. i am lonely.. but i feel so proud of my guys & myself for being brave enough to have made this jump. anyway.. sorry you need the depressionfest, but welcome all the same! c'mon in! the water's nice & tepid! ghost
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Post by ghost on Nov 1, 2007 13:53:27 GMT -5
p.s. just remembered something.. the 'inbuilt loyalty' you talk about, thumper? that is due to the same inner child dynamic.. trying to please your caretakers.. think about a little child who is helpless/defenseless in the world.. completely dependent on his/her parents.. our very survival depended on them.. even if they hurt us we had to try to please them or we'd die. so yeah.. we have a misplaced 'inbuilt loyalty'.. and we keep trying to get it right the next time.. ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Nov 4, 2007 4:39:01 GMT -5
Exactly right, Thumper. Every time I go anywhere and open my mouth, that's it, I feel like a total embarassment and a fool and tell myself that I should never leave the house or be around people ever again.
And if I make a mistake, then that's it. I'll go over and over with the inner critic picking it apart for ever.
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Post by ghost on Dec 7, 2007 13:38:15 GMT -5
thumper.. oh don't feel too bad, quitting smoking is the hardest! you'll beat it.. next time it's so cool that you are even trying! those things steal all our money, man! i smoked for more than 10 years and quit using the old nicotine gum they had back in the 80's YUK! oh gawd that stuff was awful! so i went through pregnancy all nice & healthy.. then when my son was a baby i thought 'now i can just go back to one cig a day!' (i was really brilliant back then.. lol) back to a pack & a half by day 2.. 3 years later i finally was able to quit for good.. then my folks were so impressed they followed in my footsteps.. i have one sister with emphysema and one other still trying to quit.. take heart.. it's just getting past those first 3 days of killer cravings.. what helps most is to substitute with anything else you can think of.. of course alcohol to this day still is an association somewhat.. even when i drink coffee sometimes it still makes me think of smoking at the same time.. but the longer you do these things without the cigarette too, it's like you form new associations.. good luck!! ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Dec 11, 2007 6:49:25 GMT -5
Yes, you're not a failure, Thumper. It's a tough thing to do. As ghost says, it's great that you're trying! You'll do it, I know you will. Have an exaltation to help you on the way!
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