Post by lyly on Dec 28, 2007 19:32:22 GMT -5
my eating sidorder appeared when I was 7. I totally refused to eat, I was always ill. I was back to my real familly.
When she was preganant of me, my mum tryed to burn down the house and had one of her first maniac-episode. The social service put her in a institution, and my 2 bros and my sister went in a social house. When I was born my dad took me, choose the house who looked the nicer in the village, deposed me, rang the bell, ran away.
The people here were very important people, despite the fact they were going on holidays, they took care of me, I didn't slept for 6 days. The make an arrangement with justice, and they had the autorization to raise me.
We lived most of the time in a big flat in Paris near the Champ Elysée, I went to the best school with children of important people, i had the best clothes, the best food, I had the biggest love a mother can give, they were always taking care of me, it was never violent at home, they never screamed or had an argue, their oldest children loved me, we never had any kind of problem, it was secure, a big cocoon, it was so good.
But at 7 they had to hide me to the grandmother's house. After 2 days policemen came, she didn't want to let me go, it was very violent. They took me to a big office..and after they put me with these people .. that I didn't know ... and theses children .. I didn't know either ..my real parents and my bros and sis'
my world was .. destroyed .. I was panicked .. I was .. fucked up
the house was horrible, mum wasn't secure, she was bipolar and it was dark and day everytime, my dad was a violent alcoholic and I was his favourite victim, my oldest bro was already a junkie at 15, my sister was a kind of prostitute, my other bro was ..kind of normal..
we had money problems, he came back every night totally wasted, this violence every day, my mum was trying to die almost every two months, I wasn't able to make friends at my newschool, I stopped to eat, from 9 to 14 my oldest bro .. rapped me. at this same time I stopped to speak.
14, I began to cut myself, I still didn't have any friends. I was bullyed in High School, always hit by my dad, the situation was always the same, then I took my mum's anti-depressant mixed with his wisky, after 6 months in hospital I went into a social house
15, my adoptive familly had the right to take me again, and trying to fix what was broken.
16 try to do like nothing happened, have some friends..life. i begin to have flash backs, panic attacks, fears, etc ...
18 I put my brother in jail. Only for 3 years. call this a justice ?
19 my first year in Scotland with this horrible scottish familly, this horrible boss, these horrible children. back to eating disorders, cutting, begin alcohol, begin drugs. kind of destroyed every week end in Glasgow. Diagnostic of Asperger, affection disorders, Bipolarity, IQ of 135, OCD, etc
20 - Uni. trying to catch the time. always feel anxious about others, trying to not feel rejected, trying to understand people, make mistakes, eating disorder again, alcohol..a little but really feel a lack sometimes... do drums on my legs instead of cutting but I 'm still bleeding from it. real dad die.
sorry, i needed to put everything down.
sometimes all is coming back .. at the same time .. and i don't believe I'll bury this someday..sometimes it's so hard to have all this in your head you feel it will explode and you are so angry and you feel so guilty and dirty and little and you just want to throw yourself by the window
and i don't know how to express this and all these people who find so cool the fact i have two famillies, they don't know all this but i hate them...
and since i'm back in France i don't go out of the house exept for shopping with my adoptive mum coz i feel so secure with her, i never go out by myself, i think about the day she will die and it will be so terrible
and i shouldn't be a failure..i'm the best of my session, i have always this fucking pressure in me, that i'm not good enought everytime and .. i'm so affraid of the others.. and ... i never trust, and everytime anybody is becoming to close to me i reject him so hard .. at the same time i have this fucking fear of being rejected
this shit is putting me down so much I think I'll not survive much longer I think by 30" I'll be done..I'll go mad and I ll kill myself or I don't know but I'll be done
When she was preganant of me, my mum tryed to burn down the house and had one of her first maniac-episode. The social service put her in a institution, and my 2 bros and my sister went in a social house. When I was born my dad took me, choose the house who looked the nicer in the village, deposed me, rang the bell, ran away.
The people here were very important people, despite the fact they were going on holidays, they took care of me, I didn't slept for 6 days. The make an arrangement with justice, and they had the autorization to raise me.
We lived most of the time in a big flat in Paris near the Champ Elysée, I went to the best school with children of important people, i had the best clothes, the best food, I had the biggest love a mother can give, they were always taking care of me, it was never violent at home, they never screamed or had an argue, their oldest children loved me, we never had any kind of problem, it was secure, a big cocoon, it was so good.
But at 7 they had to hide me to the grandmother's house. After 2 days policemen came, she didn't want to let me go, it was very violent. They took me to a big office..and after they put me with these people .. that I didn't know ... and theses children .. I didn't know either ..my real parents and my bros and sis'
my world was .. destroyed .. I was panicked .. I was .. fucked up
the house was horrible, mum wasn't secure, she was bipolar and it was dark and day everytime, my dad was a violent alcoholic and I was his favourite victim, my oldest bro was already a junkie at 15, my sister was a kind of prostitute, my other bro was ..kind of normal..
we had money problems, he came back every night totally wasted, this violence every day, my mum was trying to die almost every two months, I wasn't able to make friends at my newschool, I stopped to eat, from 9 to 14 my oldest bro .. rapped me. at this same time I stopped to speak.
14, I began to cut myself, I still didn't have any friends. I was bullyed in High School, always hit by my dad, the situation was always the same, then I took my mum's anti-depressant mixed with his wisky, after 6 months in hospital I went into a social house
15, my adoptive familly had the right to take me again, and trying to fix what was broken.
16 try to do like nothing happened, have some friends..life. i begin to have flash backs, panic attacks, fears, etc ...
18 I put my brother in jail. Only for 3 years. call this a justice ?
19 my first year in Scotland with this horrible scottish familly, this horrible boss, these horrible children. back to eating disorders, cutting, begin alcohol, begin drugs. kind of destroyed every week end in Glasgow. Diagnostic of Asperger, affection disorders, Bipolarity, IQ of 135, OCD, etc
20 - Uni. trying to catch the time. always feel anxious about others, trying to not feel rejected, trying to understand people, make mistakes, eating disorder again, alcohol..a little but really feel a lack sometimes... do drums on my legs instead of cutting but I 'm still bleeding from it. real dad die.
sorry, i needed to put everything down.
sometimes all is coming back .. at the same time .. and i don't believe I'll bury this someday..sometimes it's so hard to have all this in your head you feel it will explode and you are so angry and you feel so guilty and dirty and little and you just want to throw yourself by the window
and i don't know how to express this and all these people who find so cool the fact i have two famillies, they don't know all this but i hate them...
and since i'm back in France i don't go out of the house exept for shopping with my adoptive mum coz i feel so secure with her, i never go out by myself, i think about the day she will die and it will be so terrible
and i shouldn't be a failure..i'm the best of my session, i have always this fucking pressure in me, that i'm not good enought everytime and .. i'm so affraid of the others.. and ... i never trust, and everytime anybody is becoming to close to me i reject him so hard .. at the same time i have this fucking fear of being rejected
this shit is putting me down so much I think I'll not survive much longer I think by 30" I'll be done..I'll go mad and I ll kill myself or I don't know but I'll be done