Post by ghost on Dec 31, 2007 19:18:35 GMT -5
i don't want to drag the board down but i have nowhere else to turn. i'm in such a bad place feeling so much black hate & anger and cutting and about to cut again, wanting to just go ahead and start pouring the vodka.. no matter what the consequences to my ridiculous body.
i'm completely alone.
my husband's a.d.d. is indescribeable.
how can you explain to others what it's like to be married to someone (for 20 years) who can't remember just all kinds of regular details about you and keep that in mind when they talk to you..
nothing sticks in his brain, it's like everything has to be put back up on the shelf each and every time you need to talk to him..
long story short is nothing matters about me or how i'm doing here.. i am constantly being erased.
through the years he has watched me nearly kill myself with anorexia when my b.m.i. fell down to 15, or with razor blades to my wrists, or pills & alcohol, and just is able to forget it or ignore it or be blind somehow.. act like nothing's happening 5 minutes later.
nothing ever matters here no matter how important it should be.
i can't leave because i'm just basically clinically majorly depressed and agoraphobic.. at this point with a weak heart from all the damage i've done to myself. i have no friends or family to turn to. i'm only here for my 19 year old son and my cats.
but i honestly just want to die and have it stop.
i'm not coping.
i've long since given up on so called 'professional' help after half a life of therapy that often made me worse due to my ad issues.
i don't want to make anyone feel worse over the holiday.
i'm gonna be gone in the snowcave for awhile
ghost
i'm completely alone.
my husband's a.d.d. is indescribeable.
how can you explain to others what it's like to be married to someone (for 20 years) who can't remember just all kinds of regular details about you and keep that in mind when they talk to you..
nothing sticks in his brain, it's like everything has to be put back up on the shelf each and every time you need to talk to him..
long story short is nothing matters about me or how i'm doing here.. i am constantly being erased.
through the years he has watched me nearly kill myself with anorexia when my b.m.i. fell down to 15, or with razor blades to my wrists, or pills & alcohol, and just is able to forget it or ignore it or be blind somehow.. act like nothing's happening 5 minutes later.
nothing ever matters here no matter how important it should be.
i can't leave because i'm just basically clinically majorly depressed and agoraphobic.. at this point with a weak heart from all the damage i've done to myself. i have no friends or family to turn to. i'm only here for my 19 year old son and my cats.
but i honestly just want to die and have it stop.
i'm not coping.
i've long since given up on so called 'professional' help after half a life of therapy that often made me worse due to my ad issues.
i don't want to make anyone feel worse over the holiday.
i'm gonna be gone in the snowcave for awhile
ghost
