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Post by ghost on Oct 16, 2008 13:52:38 GMT -5
.. i can't take it anymore. pain in my head.. mental & physical.. more than i can stand. ongoing si thoughts & i just try everything i can think of but that.. i honestly so don't want to do anymore damage or create any more pain.. but i wonder if that is the only thing i have to ever help me feel ok and just be able to go to sleep feeling comfort for the eternal ache. my guys & kitties need me so i just kick myself in the butt and go through all the motions like always.. but the reality is my whole world feels like little more than a cold empty cemetery.. i haunt the ugly hard grey stones that are reality.. but all i think about is what's buried and lost. that's where i am all the time. i just can't take it anymore but it never stops. i'm going into my snowcave again hoping to find peace & sleep.. i'll come out for halloween for sure. here's a pic of the snowcave with the torches lit.. it's the deepest one i could find. here's a blade i enchanted & named 'bleed for me' because it causes a bloodcloud.. i need it - it's swarming with wolves outside.. *snuffs out torches* ghost
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Post by ghost on Oct 24, 2008 12:00:08 GMT -5
thank you everyone for the support.. i'm afraid this tmj/migraine thing is pretty chronic.. & stomach problems which i've had almost all my life, it's gotten to where it's hard to eat anything again & i'm losing a little weight.. pete, i guess i don't see the things you mention as negative or contributing to depression as i know it.. depression is the empty space that's there when i don't even care about my normal interests.. i see the cause of my current low state stemming from an empty marriage and my extreme isolation.. isolation is hard for anyone, even 'well' folks, let alone those with our issues i guess.. my trust is about zero.. i'm avoidant always of people. but it's lonely as hell without connection or closeness except with felines.. god bless their hearts they do everything they can to help me! ghost p.s. it may sound depressing to use a cemetery reference? the reason i did is because i do feel like a ghost, the reason i took the moniker in the first place.. and reality feels so cold and hard and grey.. like the stones, and even though it would take so little for reality to be what i need, it isn't, and it is like words carved in stone, there's no altering it no matter how i hope or pray or wish.. so i'm in a limbo life between everything i've lost or am still losing and the land of the living.. i can't help it, it's the expressionist in me, gotta use my metaphors!
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Post by ghost on Oct 31, 2008 13:33:04 GMT -5
exactly.. i love halloween, goth, horror, vampires.. all that good stuff.. when i have no interest in these things or my music when i'm in the car, that is always a sure sign i'm dipping into a major low/depression.. hey it's halloween.. time to dig out of the snowcave? actually i'm still playing morrowind (like in the pix) but i'm experiencing such glitchiness i may be coming to a deadend.. hope my son hurries up and finishes Fable 2!!!!!!! at least by the time the real ice and snow get here and i literally feel like i am in an actual snowcave.. that's when i need my game escape most.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Nov 3, 2008 14:55:43 GMT -5
i'm in Eve's migraine aura .. tail end.. less confused and i can read a little better.. but the pain's here now.. this youtube has a good aura description.. i've had all of these symptoms. fortunately this time no numbness or nausea ghost
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Post by ghost on Nov 3, 2008 20:19:50 GMT -5
my version of my aura.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Nov 24, 2008 16:50:03 GMT -5
new migraine..
i'm at letter F but there are not many good feminine F names.. so i'm naming her feobe (after holden caulfield's little sister, phoebe)
i'm having so much trouble just trying to interact with the humans.. i make a point of always trying to be considerate and keep things friendly, but people generally are so defensive and rude, and don't want to think outside of the shallow end of the pool.. my son & i talk about our feelings of alienation often since we both share the same accutely sensitive personality types.. it costs too much to subject myself to others' seemingly endless senseless infliction of damage.. i have to focus on taking care of myself & my own and set some things/people aside, i guess..
the world (of humans) is cold and cruel.. and a new generation of people with their eyes closed are born every minute..
digging deep, ghost
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Post by ghost on Dec 12, 2008 20:59:13 GMT -5
www.brensgumbyland.com/ssss.htmdonner (lunar crater) crater characteristics coordinates 31.4° S, 98.0° E diameter 58 km depth unknown colongitude 263° at sunrise eponym anders donner donner is a lunar crater on the far side of the moon. it is located just to the northeast of the mare australe, behind the southeastern limb of the moon. during favorable librations this part of the lunar surface can be brought into view of the earth, but the site is viewed from the edge and so not much detail can be seen. this crater has a moderately eroded outer rim, and several small and tiny craterlets lie along the edge. a joined pair of small craters lie across the southern rim and inner wall. an unnamed, crater-like feature with about the same diameter as donner is attached to the northern outer rim. the structure along the inner wall has been softened and rounded by a long history of minor impacts. the interior floor is relatively level, and is pock-marked by multiple tiny craterlets. there is a curving ridge in the southern part of the floor that is attached to the inner wall, and possibly forms the remnant of a small crater rim. toxic p.s. my brain is falling out..
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