Post by sundaymorning on May 13, 2007 23:01:12 GMT -5
I sometimes think if I were to buckle down and get serious about therapy maybe something will change. But being so severely screwed up in the head, I have to get away from anyone, therapist included, before I become to attached and risk abandonment.
I go for months on end without any type of human contact. No kisses, no hugs, anything. When I do get it, it's in the form of sex. I take myself out of my shell for a little while in order to feel normal. I pick a "suitable" sex partner to have around for a couple of weeks, until I feel they are asking too much of time, or not enough. I then close myself off again for another few months.
Yes, we should love ourselves. But what every one seems to forget is that we learn to love ourselves from those who love us first. If I never experienced being loved the proper way and or learned to accept love, how in the hell can I be expected to just pull it out of thin air?
How do I even know what love looks like, or sounds like, or feels like? how do I know when I'm getting love and how much I should give in return without becoming co-dependent and clingy.
Growing up, love was always bitter sweet. The same people who claimed to love me always left me. They were never there when I needed them. They hurt me and to this very day, love in my mind equals pain. And yet I want it so bad. The very thing I need is what scares me the most.
I feel very very lonely. I don't want to think about this anymore right now. I'm going to sleep.
I go for months on end without any type of human contact. No kisses, no hugs, anything. When I do get it, it's in the form of sex. I take myself out of my shell for a little while in order to feel normal. I pick a "suitable" sex partner to have around for a couple of weeks, until I feel they are asking too much of time, or not enough. I then close myself off again for another few months.
Yes, we should love ourselves. But what every one seems to forget is that we learn to love ourselves from those who love us first. If I never experienced being loved the proper way and or learned to accept love, how in the hell can I be expected to just pull it out of thin air?
How do I even know what love looks like, or sounds like, or feels like? how do I know when I'm getting love and how much I should give in return without becoming co-dependent and clingy.
Growing up, love was always bitter sweet. The same people who claimed to love me always left me. They were never there when I needed them. They hurt me and to this very day, love in my mind equals pain. And yet I want it so bad. The very thing I need is what scares me the most.
I feel very very lonely. I don't want to think about this anymore right now. I'm going to sleep.