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Post by ghost on Apr 7, 2008 19:08:54 GMT -5
i'm sorry about that, sleepflower.. i don't want to sound pushy.. but i know you are someone who worries so much about being a burden on others.. i've heard you say so about hubby too.. maybe give him a chance before tomorrow when you are alone? maybe tell him you're having a rough time tonight and it would mean alot if he could help you through it? please don't decide for him that he shouldn't be supportive.. sometimes we back away from those who honestly want to be there for us.. we get back to our 'normal' everyday routine and feel like things are back to where they were before.. maybe even you feel slighted that he can't read that you need him.. i do that.. i expect my proven a.d.d. hubby to read my mind/cues/? but they need to be asked pretty directly i've found.. and guys notoriously want to do anything in the world to 'fix' the problem if given a chance.. remember, if you end up si-ing then it will be a temporary bandaid.. it's just like crying only the tears are a different color.. and you'll still be left with this relationship and circumstance to negotiate after the relief has worn off.. i'm sorry i can't be of more help.. you know i still end up at the same place myself.. and sometimes i just am fed up with hubby and need my own methods.. so please know i would never judge you, ok? keep safe, ghost p.s. please feel free to get your thoughts out here if you want.. don't worry about the content .. it's all good if you can express it somehow..
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 8, 2008 2:45:12 GMT -5
Thanks Ghost and Thumper, so much for your support. It really means a lot to know that I have somewhere to hide. Ghost, that wasn't pushy at all: you were absolutely right and Thumper, you're always spot on with you replies too My husband had a friend over until late last night so I couldn't talk to him...I was in bed before the friend left. I think he has another friend over tonight although I'm going to try to talk to him before the friend arrives. I have a throat/chest type cold that won't go away and too much to do. I just don't know where to put myself. I don't want to be awake but I don't want to sleep either. My mind is racing...I had too many vivid dreams last night. I thought things were going well. I thought that despite all the support I've had to give to others, despite the deaths and the illnesses and everything else that's been going on, that I was going to be OK. Now this hits me from nowhere. I don't even know what it is, how I feel...I just know that I don't want this and all I can think about is self-destruction.
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 8, 2008 4:19:26 GMT -5
Thumper, you're such a sweetheart. You always know what to say. I'm so glad that the meds are working for you. You deserve things to be good. I'm trying to cry...not doing too well so far, but I know that it's a part of what I need. Then I have to check that I haven't missed the deadline for my next assignment...I'm four weeks behind on my course and I'm too afraid to look at the assignment paper, let alone contact my tutor about it. I hope I have a week or two left...
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 8, 2008 9:01:58 GMT -5
Thank you so much, Pete. Hope the wonderful time continues for you...you certainly deserve it! I went back to bed this afternoon because I could feel a migraine approaching...think I managed to dodge it this time. Still playing the five-minute game constantly, but I've since discovered that I haven't missed the deadline for my assignment thank goodness. Going to try to talk to my husband tonight...if this other friend doesn't come over.
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 9, 2008 13:35:35 GMT -5
Thanks, all Thumper, I posted at the same time as you! I spoke to hubby a little last night in bed. Had a small cry but I still feel awful. Aside from the depression and urges, I have a giant cough (my friend says it sounds like kennel cough!) and a mouth ulcer right at the back of my teeth at the left side that is huge and constantly, enormously painful. It's the worst kind of pain for me, and we have no gum ointment. So my jaw is clenched because of it, which is leading to another tension headache. Didn't sleep last night because it hurt too much. I don't get ill at all, so I'm finding it all too hard. The guest never arrived, so hubby put 'Heathers' on to cheer me up as I love that film so much!
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Post by ghost on Apr 9, 2008 16:28:48 GMT -5
sf, i have a high pain threshold.. i don't think i'm a baby or anything, but i tell you when i get sick i just feel dreadful. never underestimate how much an illness saps your body and resources.. all your defenses seem to fall.. it seems so many times i've ended up si'ing while i'm with a migraine/menstrual cramps and a cold all together.. the whole house of cards just falls to pieces.. please take very good care of sleepflower! feel better soon! ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 10, 2008 7:22:47 GMT -5
I definitely agree. I've taken the day off work today because I woke up this morning and couldn't speak. I couldn't even call in sick so I've had to send hubby with a note for my boss. Stayed in bed all this morning and my voice has come back a little. Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 21, 2008 4:51:02 GMT -5
I haven't had therapy for the past two weeks because I was literally crammed in where there wasn't really a space, due to apparently being 'high risk'. Anyway, I walked up the the centre this morning, passing three 14 year old boys who called me a 'slag' as I passed them, which shocked and upset me. I'd been feeling pretty OK with myself, I had a nice new dress on, thick black tights and a big coat, so it was nothing to do with how I was dressed. I wasn't even wearing any makeup. Anyway, that's nothing to do with it: I know they were only doing it to get a reaction, but judgement from anyone, especially strangers, really hurts me. I could feel the cold fear in my stomach and my hands started to shake. Fortunately I was only across the road from the centre at the time. (It takes me 45 minutes to walk up there.)
It just upset me because as I say, I'm really sensitive to stranger's judgements. I'll never eat on the street or in a city park or anything like that; I'll only have a picnic if I'm miles up in the mountains or on the isolated moors and I won't even eat a sweet when I'm in public because once when I sat in a park to eat my lunch when at work, a passing man called me a 'greedy bitch'. I was only eating a sandwich! Anyway, I digress.
So I got to therapy, quite shaken, and sat in the waiting room. My therapist's receptionist came out and told me that my session had been cancelled because my therapist was stuck in traffic due to a bad accident on the motorway. She called half an hour ago to apologise and book me in for a new session but now I'm not seeing her until next week. I'm really disappointed, partly because of what happened this morning, partly because I'd made myself a promise to talk about me this week and not babble and skirt round issues and talk about other people like I usually do, and partly because last session I gave her an eight-page written account of my past and what happened that I'm desperate to discuss with someone. So now I'm stuck, alone, feeling bad. I've had a bath but feel no better. I can't cry. I feel so lost.
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 21, 2008 6:09:48 GMT -5
Thumper, you restore my faith in people I love the Internet because it means I get to talk to lovely people like you guys! You're exactly right, as usual and it really means a lot to me that you care and take the time to think about me when you have so much going on, you know? I've exalted you, and thanks so much for that reply. I want to call my husband but I daren't phone his work. It's just so disappointing that I was all ready to talk and I couldn't and now I have to wait another whole week. Sometimes I wish I didn't trust my therapist so much so I wouldn't look forward to seeing her and then be disappointed like this. I know I was wrong to hide my feelings when she called me to apologise and I turned it back on her, sympathising when she'd been stuck on the bus for 3 hours, etc, pretending I was OK as usual.
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 21, 2008 7:58:23 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on Apr 21, 2008 14:14:29 GMT -5
wow.. i just had to respond to this and exalt somebody! since i can only exalt once i exalted you, sf, for hanging in there despite it all.. and thumper, i wanted to exalt you, too for your wonderful posts, but i'll have to wait till tomorrow.. so here's a hug for now.. some of us just are arrow magnets and we take them right through the heart.. my son and i share this dna and talk about it often, why do we let rude people we have little regard for have such power as to hurt us so deeply? we are sensitive souls by our nature and we both agree we wouldn't trade that in for thicker skin if it meant we'd lose some of our sensitivity, which is also such a source of reward in our lives.. in art & words & music and human compassion.. i've literally cried over shouts by rude drivers down in cali.. felt like crap for days over one idiot yelling out 'stupid fuck!' when i waited a little too long to make a turn in a crowded school zone once.. it feels like a planet where it's never safe to be human.. and i've asked my hubby over & over.. is there something about me? is there a sign on my head? is there something i just don't see that everyone else does? over all the years of asking all he has come up with is that i always come across perfectly normal, but that there is a kind of fragility that people pick up on.. and the cruel ones just let you have it. anyway, i am the obsessive type. i can't deny it i can obsess like no one else.. and i've worried obsessively over therapy appts. that way and been cancelled out on when it seemed like everything in my universe was being held together by duct tape just to make it to some critical moment where i could open up and share something.. at those moments it seemed fate stepped in and crushed me! so i know how that buildup of expectation and dread feels, sf! like thumper said, please write it down for her.. if she understands the weight of the anxiety and the comments made to you that will be a starting point.. take care you two.. ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 21, 2008 15:03:00 GMT -5
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 21, 2008 16:06:10 GMT -5
My husband doesn't want to hear about any of this. He asked me tonight if I was feeling better and then blanked me when I said 'no'. I can't see a way out of this apart from the one that I don't want to think about. Except for you guys I feel that I have nobody, not because anybody around me is flawed but because I'm too afraid to open up. My mother told me a few weeks ago that I 'have a happy life'. I'm too scared to tell her anything different. Too afraid to even mention what happened this morning on my way to therapy...he's going on his computer now and I feel so alone. Thank God for tomorrow and my blades, although I'll have to wear pyjamas and get changed in the dark tonight and tomorrow because I made a bit of a mess earlier. Desperate to do more >:
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Post by ghost on Apr 21, 2008 18:26:59 GMT -5
sleepflower, i remember once a long time ago.. half a lifetime ago.. trying to say something to my dad who had heard about my si.. he told me to 'not do it anymore' and i said 'ok'.. of course it meant nothing.. but when i tried saying how i felt confused about how i felt he said something i've never forgotten.. he said 'maybe you're just happy!' and i went into major si.. that was the hardest hit of invalidation i've ever taken.. si is The disease of Invalidation.. what hubby did may be his own defense, but it was invalidation also.. not surprised that you immediately feel like a need to reconnect to reality by si-ing.. he is wrong. with my hubster i get rebuffed the first time i say anything at all.. it's like his reflex to just disregard/insult/deny/dismiss what i'm saying like it's just me complaining for no reason.. but then after he's had his little reaction i restate what i said once again only very clearly, like 'nevertheless, your action (fill in the blank) is hurtful to me, you are trying to make me invisible so you'll feel better.. etc..' and he does usually come around .. but never before i get hurt in the process first it seems.. but we have to assert ourselves, we have to value ourselves in order for others to value us.. like that saying 'we teach others how to treat us'? anyway.. it's sure been a hard time for you lately.. i hope you feel free to use this little group to lean on all you need.. that is exactly what it is here for, ok? hugs, ghost
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Post by sleepflower on Apr 22, 2008 3:20:13 GMT -5
Just typed out a post and Internet Explorer ate it! Anyway, thank you everyone for being there. You all make a lot of sense. Ghost, I know exactly what you mean about the invalidation. My mother's exact words when she found out about the SI were 'if you don't stop doing that you're not going to University.' I don't think I mentioned it, but that invalidation link you put up was excellent and helped me to make sense of a lot of things. Had a doc's appointment this morning. She's now going away for a month (I usually see her every two weeks). I told her everything, had a bit of a cry, told her how hopeless I feel and she asked me if I could see a way out. I said that I knew where most of it came from, I could link it all back but what to do with that knowledge is beyond me. She was really kind and even offered to look at my cuts of course I said no!).
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