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May 11, 2008 17:22:45 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on May 11, 2008 17:22:45 GMT -5
usually when i have suicidal thoughts, they wane within a few hours
maybe a day if i've been particularly depressed
but i've been completely over the edge for the last three days i can't eat i've been sleeping on and off all day
staring at the bottle of ethylene glycol in the garage
the truth is that i'm a selfish person
i don't have enough energy to say much else, i'm going back to bed.
p.s. my name is tina, what a crappy introduction
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May 11, 2008 17:44:29 GMT -5
Post by sleepflower on May 11, 2008 17:44:29 GMT -5
Hey Tina, please don't worry about the way that you introduce yourself because we are definitely not here to judge you. We've all had enough of that in our lives.
I'm so glad that you've posted here because this site is so good. Even though I have a great husband, there are times when you need to reveal the other side of yourself, aren't there, and that's what we're here for.
I don't think that you're a selfish person: I've been in therapy for 15 years because that's what my mother made me believe. Have a look at Ghost's invalidation link because it really helped me a lot.
It's so good to have you here: please stick around and talk to us! xxx
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May 12, 2008 13:28:20 GMT -5
Post by ghost on May 12, 2008 13:28:20 GMT -5
tina, i'm sure you're not a selfish person.. it's hard to remember that it's a healthy thing to treat ourselves as well as we would treat someone we love! when we have dysfunctional backgrounds/family we get trained to feel selfish whenever we're thinking of our own well-being rather than theirs.. (it's really just their own selfish projection onto us though..) please let us help be a support when you need us! ghost
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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May 12, 2008 14:19:06 GMT -5
Post by raining on May 12, 2008 14:19:06 GMT -5
Hi Tina, your not alone here, how are you doing now? sleeping can be a welcome break sometimes when things are feeling so bad. If you cant eat perhaps have a smoothie or something to try and keep your energy up, I know its very hard to feed yourself when your feeling very depressed but it might help a little if your not so physically weak. Take care xxx
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May 14, 2008 15:00:43 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on May 14, 2008 15:00:43 GMT -5
hey everyone
i've honestly had one of the strangest weeks ever
i guess my brother viewed my history and saw this and told my parents monday was spent crying and talking everything out i really don't know how i feel about them being so inside my head yet
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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May 15, 2008 5:00:25 GMT -5
Post by raining on May 15, 2008 5:00:25 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that, that must have been very difficult having them find out when you weren't ready. How are things between you and your brother, I dont know why he went through your history folder perhaps he could tell something was troubling you and had a look to see. In that position he must have been worried about you and thought it best to tell your parents, now they know is there a part of you thats slightly relieved, have they been understanding about it?
x
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May 15, 2008 12:54:19 GMT -5
Post by ghost on May 15, 2008 12:54:19 GMT -5
hey everyone i've honestly had one of the strangest weeks ever i guess my brother viewed my history and saw this and told my parents monday was spent crying and talking everything out i really don't know how i feel about them being so inside my head yet tina.. i hope you don't take it too hard that your brother was looking into this.. like raining said, at least it shows someone was concerned about your state of mind and checking on you.. it's scary to be forced out into the open about private things.. but i hope it ends up being a help for you.. more support, maybe getting into some therapy? anything to help you when you find yourself in the awful lows you've described.. anyway, we're always here to listen and support! ghost p.s. ? i just was exalting you and noticed you've gone from female to male ? ? ?
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May 15, 2008 13:50:02 GMT -5
Post by sleepflower on May 15, 2008 13:50:02 GMT -5
That's really hard, Tina. It tends to be easier to 'come out' with these things when you've had time to prepare yourself, doesn't it? You have to be ready to let people inside: it took me seven years with the guy I've married! This bad time will end though. Everyone else gave really good advice; feel free to vent here whenever you need because I'll be listening. xx
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May 16, 2008 21:17:30 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on May 16, 2008 21:17:30 GMT -5
on february 25th, 2008 (it was so horrible that the date is ingrained into my memory), my dear brother told my parents about me sneaking out, experimenting with drugs, etc. on top of that, they discovered a series of 'vulgar' texts between a boy is very near and dear to me and i ever since then, i've been on a shortened leash. they were always extremely overprotective to begin with, so these last few months have basically been spent in the confines of my room and they've been pretty understanding after this last discovery. on monday, my mom came home early just to make sure i hadn't hurt myself and that night, my parents and i talked for hours about how i needed to be less private about my life and share myself with them because they really want to help me its just been overwhelming, and i still feel like a victim even though they've been so understanding. i just. well. if i talk about more, i might burst into tears. p.s. hahaha ghost, no idea how that happened ! p.p.s. you guys are all so compassionate and understanding. i just. well thank you so much for listening.
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Jun 10, 2008 19:14:09 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on Jun 10, 2008 19:14:09 GMT -5
i'm really bad at keeping in touch!
but today i went to a therapist for the first time he seemed like a nice guy but i was just so nervous and anxious that i found myself lying about inconsequential things
i don't know, i think about it and i just get this huge knot in my stomach and just afjdlsaf
i'm going back next week but is the first visit always the hardest?
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Jun 10, 2008 21:21:04 GMT -5
Post by ghost on Jun 10, 2008 21:21:04 GMT -5
absolutely that is normal! i used to have to take this little friendship bracelet my niece gave me just to have something to fiddle with because i was so nervous.. and i didn't say hardly anything for months.. but eventually i did! it gets easier.. please be patient with yourself.. i also used to just be surprised at how i'd make up lies right on the spot and be embarassed not knowing how to ever straighten things out! it's ok! ghost
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Jun 11, 2008 16:45:59 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on Jun 11, 2008 16:45:59 GMT -5
i'm so angry i could just throw up
my dad raised my curfew from the already somewhat unreasonable 8:30 to 7:30 and i just don't understand
its summer, i'm 15, i live in an extremely safe suburban community and i'd like to think that i'm a pretty good kid straight a's, and besides the few times i snuck out, i'm really not all that bad as far as most teenagers go
i don't think he understands that these kind of stifling boundaries are what drove me to sneak out or what drives my loneliness i don't understand why he is so needy or why he needs to have everyone in our family at home at all times
honestly, i feel like he needs therapy way more than i do maybe that would explain why he has these obsessions with food or having everyone at home all the time or why he creates these unreasonable boundaries
note: even when i do follow his rules, he acts snide with me as if i'm a traitor for preferring spending time with my friends rather than listening to him drunkenly lament about all the wrongs of his life and why he is the best goddamned doctor and person ever and why he didn't get the recognition he deserves
i'm just so upset my house feels like such a prison, can't he see that this loneliness is what led to my cutting and depression? i'm just so sick of this i can't be stuck here forever kfdjla sfsadfdasklfds flafjlks
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Jun 11, 2008 16:48:16 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on Jun 11, 2008 16:48:16 GMT -5
and you guys i'm really scared about this therapy thing i'm afraid of what will come out because yesterday, i did this thing called tapping
(http://www.tapping.com)
and i couldn't finish it because the memories that came out made me ball up and cry
i don't think i want to know what sort of things therapy will bring out i'm really nervous
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Jun 13, 2008 12:56:51 GMT -5
Post by ghost on Jun 13, 2008 12:56:51 GMT -5
tina.. i can't really add anything.. although i also had the alcoholic father thing.. but i was basically left alone by my folks.. 'raised by wolves' my hubby calls it.. i would've given anything for anyone to pay any attention at all.. and i also was a high achiever.. national merit student & all.. no matter.. my father was a control freak in that he was like the 'talk police' even as adults he would not allow anyone to talk about anything he did not like in the house! he'd come in and put a stop to it, which went a long way toward keeping everyone in denial of the truth so he could just go along being abusive.. hang in there, chica! ghost
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Jun 18, 2008 11:28:49 GMT -5
Post by killertofu on Jun 18, 2008 11:28:49 GMT -5
okay a lot has happened and i don't know how to make sense of all of it
i feel like i'm breathing underwater and everything is cloudy and feels like a dream
my brother isn't talking to me because i left the house with alcohol yesterday and he doesn't approve of that sort of thing at all
suffice to say everything is a lot more quiet, especially because it is just the two of us at home and being in the same room with him is heartbreaking because he won't even look at me
i don't know why he is like this i don't know why he can't just talk to me i don't know why he doesn't understand that we're two very different people and what i do to cope is different than what he does
coping... on that note... i did some risky things with a boy i barely knew a few nights ago i don't know i don't know i was feeling so lonely and afraid and i snuck out and i don't feel that bad about it but i feel like i should
i want to wake up i want to wake up
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