raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 12, 2008 7:27:10 GMT -5
Warning *mentions SI*I haven't been on for a while, Ive been lost in my own little void the last few weeks. I'm sorry i haven't replied to anyone's post yet I will have to go and have a catch up on whats been going on :-[but I hope everyones been doing fine. Well firstly Ive found out that my nan who's 88 years old has bulimia I have to say I was very shocked, I think shes had it for decades from what I've been hearing from family members!. Shes very independent mentally and i don't think she will ever get help or change her ways which worries me a lot. Also a couple of weeks ago I decided to text my mum after 8 years of no contact because i was feeling really depressed and thought sod it why shouldn't i have it out with her! well i asked in the text to tell me woman to woman how she could have babies and neglect and abandon them but she ignored me so i text again asking why did she punish me by having me, she text back and after a whole life time of not being loved by a mother a bit of the little girl in me wanted her to tell me she loved me but instead she text telling me to go drown myself. I cried a lot before i could stomach to read the rest and she said that I'm good for a laugh and shes sat there laughing at me. I haven't grown properly physically and mentally because of how she neglected me as a baby, not to mention what she did to me as a child! I hope this vile human gets her Karma one day!!! Yesterday I hurt myself for the first time in a couple of months, i had been doing so well to resist the urges but i couldn't take it any longer, I'm not really beating myself up about it because it wasn't as bad as normal so that's something i suppose. *sigh* Also i see there are some new members, Ive got some catching up to do. Mia
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Post by ghost on May 12, 2008 13:37:02 GMT -5
mia.. so good to see you back! i'm exalting you today.. i can't imagine how hard that would hit me to hear that from my mom.. no matter how bad our relationship is/has been.. it is ingrained in us to keep trying to get that acceptance no matter how hopeless! your mom is a sick person.. that's how i have to think of my mom.. please don't let her in to do more hurt, that's just reprehensible! (although it's a healthy sign to see you trying to express your feelings to her, just know that she's obviously in too sick a place to make progress.. ) you should get your anger out at her even if it's just for your peace, as you can.. but know she may never change and it'll be a bloody interaction.. so sorry you took it out on You! (but i can't talk because i end up doing the same myself..) please take good care of your cuts, ok? here's to the karmic backlash!!! ghost
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 12, 2008 14:42:24 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the support xxx
Im still numb over it although it happened a couple of weeks ago, I cant really acess what im feeling over the subject right now but id rather repress it because its not going to be nice! you cant really get worse than your own mother telling you to kill yourself..
pete i understand what your saying there, my mum didnt want me full stop and my dad never keeps it a secret that he wanted a boy because im his third girl, I feel like I have to apologise for them creating me. I was also ignored and shoved in the corner all my life, I never got anything girlie, so i understand the backlash of that as well.
Well take care everyone xxx
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Post by sleepflower on May 13, 2008 13:23:52 GMT -5
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 20, 2008 9:22:46 GMT -5
Thanks for the link sleepflower, it was interesting warning heavy *SI* post(you dont have to respond if you dont want, just need to write my thoughts out today) Well im back in my void again today, so depressed. Im so tired and have been having disturbed sleep because of all these dreams i keep on having about being attacked with blades, last night i woke terrified because i dreamt i lashed out at someone cutting their cheek with a blade and they kicked in my door that i unsuccessfully barricaded and they went at me whilst i was crouched down in the corner, they got my face back a million times worse and thats when i woke. Im developing a fear of anything sharp because of these dreams, Ive got paranoid the last few nights and hidden my razors in case someone else comes in my house, finds them and uses them against me, especially when im asleep, completely irrational and unfounded I know!! I want to carve words into my leg today, especially freak and rejection, Over nearly 8 years ive only now started taking pictures of my cuts and like looking at them, i smile at what i have done to myself. Is this normal?. maybe its helpful, instead of cutting again i can see the pictures and get the same feeling as if i had just done it so it stops me from needing to do it for real, I just need to see the blood. the last si was 11th, ive gone over a week which is a long time to keep fighting these urges, I dont know how much longer until i give in.
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 20, 2008 10:40:07 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on May 20, 2008 12:48:47 GMT -5
mia, i just want to hopefully alleviate your mind a bit.. as you know i've dealt with si for.. *doing math*.. uh.. 27 years now?! and i have had times with no si, times with lots.. right now i'm down to once every several months.. and i do just what you said exactly.. take a pic (since digital is private and so easy nowadays) and i stick it in a journal and when i feel si urges i look at it.. i look at pages i've bled on after i wrote something painful too.. and i must say i have pored over these pictures of blood like it's some kind of porn, with no other explanation than that i need to see the blood. i need to see this expression. whether i recreate it artistically or take artwork i've already done and redo it into red in photoshop, i need to express it! so i do. anything that gets you from one actual si incident to the next without harming yourself has to be a good thing.. imho and i particularly relate to your post today because i woke up from violent dreams.. my husband had left me behind the wheel of the car driving far away and somehow gone off somewhere and left me (physically impossible in a car & yet it happened..) and i was so angry i got out of the car and nearly killed this older couple standing there with my bare hands.. instead i yelled at them and started punching mySelf in the face, trying to deflect it off of them.. sweet dreams, huh? it was a full moon last night & that always affects me.. i used to go to therapy originally for nightmares, usually my insane older sister was trying to kill me, but sometimes people or hands tried to cut me, reaching around/under doors, etc.. was there blood in your dream? because my psych told me the lack of blood in my dream when i stabbed others meant my lack of intentionally wanting to hurt them.. but then i had lots of blood in other dreams.. sometimes it came bubbling out of the ground! i even did an art-thing/book of my nightmares.. one page all on cutting/blood dreams.. here's a little excerpt on blood as a dream symbol: 'blood: one's energy & sense of existence.. being hurt, such as hurtful remarks, being told we are not loved, can sap our motive to live, and may be depicted as blood.. injury, often from past trauma, causing us to lose our fundamental life, & thus a link with all life, as seen as a sacrament..' it's up at my gallery if you're interested.. in my profile.. (but don't go if you think it will trigger you.. ok?) i also carve words.. what could be more painful than to feel rejection so strongly that we would scar ourselves with the word.. try talking/writing about it all you can before doing this.. just last week i was going to carve 'no one' into my chest.. i wrote about it.. i did artwork/journaling.. i took very good & gentle care of myself through this hard time.. and i didn't cut! use this forum all you need.. we are here! well, know you are not alone.. ghost p.s. to all my fellow cutters here i often wish i could send you all the pretty little glow-in-the-dark bandaids for your cuts that i used to use.. blue with little yellow moons & stars.. so even in the dark of night when you see them glow you know someone cares! it's so hard to turn self-injury around into self-care..
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 20, 2008 13:38:48 GMT -5
Thanks ghost, Its nice to hear how someone else copes with it, gosh 27 years ::)I look into the future and cant imagine ever been 'recovered' from it, even if I manage a long time, its always going to be something to go back to I used to do it every single day but like you find myself only doing it every few months or so. The journal you have created is such a good idea, I started to make one but lose interest in myself so find it difficult to do things that may help myself and be about me. I used to print pictures and put them into it aswell but I now haven't got a printer so I have to get the disk the pictures are stored on, the disk of shame and my dirty little secret it feels like. I will definitely have a look at your gallery ghost, if its perticually graphic i may leave it until tomorrow though (if i dont have another graphic dream)as im still feeling disturbed. Your dream sounded frightening, dreaming that your husband had left you, a common fear for us, and going for that other couple reminds me of the beginning of my dream when i attacked the other person first i was full of hate which has scared me because its ucharistic of me to dream of attacking someone, and yes they had blood pouring down their face Im so glad you managed to keep yourself safe and not carve those words into yourself ghost Oh and You are someone!!! Ive got several words permanently scared into my leg, the worst is the word REPULSIVE, and words 'love me'. I dont have many urges anymore to do normal straight cuts, its all words now to express the feelings that are to strong to deal with Id love those plasters (bandaids) you mentioned, lovely idea Take care x
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Post by sleepflower on May 20, 2008 14:28:14 GMT -5
Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm having trouble thinking straight at the moment but I wanted to say that I care and I'm thinking about you, and a week is a hell of a long time to go when the urges strike. You've done so well. I know what you mean about wanting to cut words because the feelings are too strong to deal with: sometimes it feels to me like SI is the only fence between the self and insanity. I hope you have some respite from the dreams.
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 21, 2008 4:24:53 GMT -5
Thanks well had another si dream again last night so still tired This time it wasnt me but my sister (whos never si) she had blood and cuts over her and then took out a big knife and right infront of me she badly cut the palm of her hand. After that one I dreamt that my cooker exploded!! I cant remember if I got burnt or not but I was standing right next to it.
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Post by ghost on May 22, 2008 13:08:07 GMT -5
mia, i'm sorry to hear that.. how did last night go? you know i also went from rather random injuries to then just making Xs.. to then usually just words.. i think it at least shows we become more and more aware over time just what feelings are behind the si act, but still don't have a better tool than si to cope with them? it's hard i know to try to talk/express it some other way because it has been the only kind of validation we get/give ourself for our feelings, otherwise they'd be just lost and seem to not matter at all.. but i have found my art works the same way only lasts longer than even my scars.. hope this makes sense to you and that you are alright? ghost p.s. i meant to repy to you yesterday when i saw this but i saw the link in your sig and clicked on it and ended up reading! i used to be a peta member..!
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Post by sleepflower on May 24, 2008 16:10:47 GMT -5
I hate those kinds of dreams and I understand, because I get them all the time. Can you try to do what I do, which helps a little and write about them as soon as you wake up? Sometimes it helps to siphon out the memories and make them a little more understandable and a little less toxic. xxx
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 25, 2008 7:55:17 GMT -5
Might spend the day in bed.
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 25, 2008 12:01:33 GMT -5
Just want to end it all Not really up for talking right now.....to depressed
Thanks though x
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