raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 25, 2008 12:41:01 GMT -5
Thanks thats sweet of you, but Please dont worry I'll be safe tonight, Im not going to do anything tonight. x
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Post by sleepflower on May 26, 2008 2:48:12 GMT -5
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Post by ghost on May 26, 2008 15:30:34 GMT -5
Just want to end it all Not really up for talking right now.....to depressed Thanks though x mia, i'm exalting you for hanging in there and for reaching out even just a little to talk.. i hope you are getting past this bad spot.. take care & post whenever you need to, ghost
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 29, 2008 12:59:22 GMT -5
Warning *suicide talk*
Ive got psychotherapy tomorrow morning and dont know if I should tell him or not that im feeling suicidal and have been researching methods. I want to say that Im going to make a doctors appointment and get my hands on some sleeping tablets, I know it will take time to build enough up or I could just use some to aid another method. I really want to reach out and say but then he might ring the doctors and warn them and my plan will be ruined. I dont know what to do Its 7.00pm now so I need to make a decision.
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Post by ghost on May 29, 2008 13:49:11 GMT -5
I really want to reach out mia.. this part of your post says everything.. it means there is still a part of you with hope.. reach out.. even call sooner than in the a.m.? it's scary, but maybe it takes reaching a moment of crisis to reach real help? i always think of it this way with myself.. if i am really at the point of considering such a drastic solution, then why not try another drastic change first instead? what have you got to lose at that point? i have made great big scary changes in my life for the better out of such suicidal moments.. i urge you to give your therapist a call.. ghost
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 30, 2008 9:39:24 GMT -5
Hi, well it didnt go that well, I said that ive been thinking of ways to kill myself but he just pushed it aside as if it was nothing and asked no questions, which to be fair I thought he might as ive said something similar in another post that he does that. I know I didnt push it though because Im feeling shy as well as depressed making me close down alot. hes not interested so much in if im suicidal/hurting myself. I feel like im just a case study and those things dont interest him so i leave not being helped which i know is my own fault for not saying more! I want to disappear
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Post by ghost on May 30, 2008 12:56:47 GMT -5
mia.. thumper's choice of words is right on. appalling! that man's head is lodged firmly up his own arse.. (i'd like to bite him for you..) but i know how tricky the attachment to one's therapist can be.. if i told you how attached i still feel to my old therapist who has long forgotten me.. (i'm too embarrassed to even give details..) somewhere in you should be a tiny voice of anger over all this that needs to rise to a roar! if you were to end your life don't you see how these people, you mum & this nimrod, have won? don't let them erase you.. i know how absolutely depleting it is to have to deal with them.. it's why i up & moved a thousand miles away to save my own life.. it's scary, but i still think you should seek out another/different therapist.. one to help you break away from this guy! and please take note of travailler's post in the 'invalidation kills' thread.. when the 'pros' invalidate you, it is Lethal. so sorry.. you did the brave thing.. sometimes you have to become very tall to see over all the idiots.. take good care, ghost
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raining
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And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 30, 2008 13:46:52 GMT -5
Thank you...... Im so glad your here as ive got no one else to talk to. I feel so inadequate, ghost what you were saying about how you still feel about your old therapist, I completely understand that, also because of the relationship between therapist and patient, they need to be careful about how they are treating you because if they make you feel your not a worthy person then that really makes you believe it and your right it is dangerous but I just keep going back for more and still want to be excepted by him then I might just believe there's a little good in me. I make a habit out of erasing therapy sessions (which has made him question if its worth him seeing me and wasting his time) but a couple of weeks ago I made myself think about it and Thats when a lot of how im feeling now came about, it also provoked that blade dream I had. Well I told him this, it was in no way a criticism at all I just said that if i had tried to ignore all the bad things we talked about instead of thinking about them after therapy whether or not I would have ended up feeling so bad. well he did not like that and wouldn't even think of it as a possibility. Ive been to the doctors before and they try and be as helpful as they can but Being with the NHS It would take months to see someone else, I cant even see beyond the weekend yet, theres no way I plan to be around in a few months
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Post by ghost on May 30, 2008 13:58:19 GMT -5
i had to block out my sessions too.. they were too painful to bear.. (i cut and drank myself through them..) and as hard as it was i left it behind.. i knew it would save my life.. but i still have to deal with the attachment.. with our insecure attachment issue we go through the repetition compulsion.. we keep attaching to the same kind of damaging people we started out with.. and even knowing this rationally, we can't seem to help it.. we keep thinking 'this time will be different' .. it is actually the hope that hurts so bad, isn't it? all i can say to you is i understand.. please talk to us here all you need until you can find someone/anyone trustworthy to help you.. you need an Advocate on your side.. thumper's suggestion of turning to your medical dr.. do you have a good one? suicidal ideation being ignored is just NOT ok. i also have to write things down as thumper said.. or when it comes down to it i just dissociate/clam up and say nothing.. ghost
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 30, 2008 14:11:18 GMT -5
Im sorry it was tough for you ghost, Im so glad you had the strength to do what you needed to do. but i still have to deal with the attachment.. with our insecure attachment issue we go through the repetition compulsion.. we keep attaching to the same kind of damaging people we started out with.. and even knowing this rationally, we can't seem to help it.. This is so true, I keep on watching his every move because I keep on expecting the mind games my parents abused me with, (and although hes a therapist i have seen him come out with quite a few) or the just outright cruel that the bullies and everyone else attacks me with but saying that I still head towards that rather than seek someone out who might be genuine. When someone is nice to me i get all emotional and dont know what to do with it because around everyone else ive always acted sorry and apologised for the way they have treated me and work for acceptance but for someone to be nice confuses my mind too much and i have no idea how to act.
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Post by ghost on May 30, 2008 14:33:15 GMT -5
as fearful/avoidant as i am of people.. and as lonely a recluse as i am.. it's the few genuine 'nice' people that scare the bejeezus outta me! because i'm afraid i will need them? & that's too dangerous? i dunno.. i can honestly say as an si person i am addicted to pain.. pain gave me comfort.. it was the closest thing to love i knew.. see how confused we become when our parents muck up their obligations? no one else in the world owes us the care they did.. so we are screwed/cheated.. my parents always gave me these terrible double-binds - 'don't bother us for anything' 'if you bug us for something then we will say no.' so i was very good and never bothered anyone for anything i needed.. and i got nothing.. and they still declared me selfish. we can't ever win.. i think of my AD as living around the edges of a huge crater left in me from some early devastation.. life around the edge of which is meager at best. the only comfort i find is locating others who sadly know this same landscape.. i have a similar reaction in moments when others have actually tried to help me in person.. i break down and just apologize without stopping.. we've been trained to believe we are a such a burden. then i just dissociate & go away somewhere in my head. can't deal with it. there are some psychologists/psychs whose training compels them to simply have no reaction/say nothing.. and just let us squirm.. (classic psychoanalysis) i believe and have read that for ad folk, this can do as much harm as good.
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 30, 2008 14:57:33 GMT -5
I stay away from people because of that reason as well, I dont know how to cope with their kindness (even if it seems normal/minor to others) but i know i will end up co dependant easily so realising I notice them and think about them terrifies me. no one can replace the care parents are supposed to give you, thats something you can never replace or get back is it. My SI is a little different to yours nowadays, i used to do it for the pain, especially that stinging, really good feeling...now its not so much the pain as i need to see the blood and have the scars so now its more about the visual side of it, i dont know why that is though? EVERYTHING was my fault when i was little, I remember when my dad fell down the last couple of stairs, he tripped over the hoover which he put there, as he was telling everyone what happened it was always mia this and mia that, mia was down stairs (which had nothing to do with anything!)........ even though i hadnt called him he was just coming down for something unrelated to me he had to get my name in there, always the same. constantly at blame. Thanks for sharing its such a relief to find people who are from the same alien planet as me (no offence, i just feel like an alien on the earth, around these humans
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Post by ghost on May 30, 2008 15:05:49 GMT -5
no offense taken at all.. every dysfunctional family needs to blame one of it's members.. usually the most sensitive one.. our family was so messed up it needed to blame 2 of us.. after our oldest sister became chronically schizophrenic.. i also am strongly visual about the si.. in fact i don't even feel physical pain when i do it.. i think i meant more the emotional pain.. it's inextricably linked to my interactions with humans.. the physical pain/injury just gave it reality? hang tough, mia!
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 30, 2008 15:13:31 GMT -5
oh im sorry about your sister ghost thats awful, I hope shes able to find some peace. My therapist has told me that i so easily could have ended up psychotic...really scary to think about how the way someone treats you can have such a horrific effect on you, most people just think about the physical side of it and not be that aware of the mental health of children.
Take care xxx
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raining
Full Member
And the void would be calling...
Posts: 176
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Post by raining on May 30, 2008 15:56:54 GMT -5
thumper you can post as long a post as you want....... your so right about when we do something wrong, I hide and when something happens that can be really minor to others i feel like i dont deserve to live, like im the most hated person in the world, i just cant bear it. I relate to the crying but nobody coming thing as well, literally and metaphorically, its very rare that i tell anyone what im really feeling and what i want because i know i wont receive what i need and i really dont expect to. Also about the grieving over everything stolen from childhood, im only just starting the process now.... xxx
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