happy birthday raining

[raining]

I dont know what to do, my dads been so horrible to me the last couple of days, its unbearable I cant cope. he couldnt give it a rest just for today, I have absolutely no one I cant go on living. im sat here crying my eyes out whilst hes made it clear he doesnt want me in existence i have no options. im going to be sat here all night very lonely and seriously depressed. he tells me im baggage, im pointless, he doesnt want me and with being alone and social phobia the idea of trying to leave and be all alone is unthinkable. just when i thought things couldnt get worse, he knows how depressed ive been lately well he keeps pushing me over the edge, this is beyond my coping mechanisms. I laid awake all night last night and was very close to getting my belt of my coat and ending it, im on the absolute brink now. i cant take this abnormal life where i have not one single person in the world. I was even crying out for some one to help me, angels, anything, but no, i know what needs to be done. my pshycs on holiday now for 5 weeks. another year and still the same loneliness and completely house bound. at my age i should be out celebrating with friends, but I havent had a friend for 8 years now so its never going to happen.
i dont mean to drag any one down but i seriously dont know what to do i cant live its not an option but am so terrified to carry it out.
hes made it clear he doesnt want me near him anymore, same as my mother and everyone else
oh god help me please help me.

thank you thumper for your post, i still feel like a child when someones actually nice to me, wishing i was apart of their family instead of mine.

[raining]

Im not exadurating when i say i seriously think he wants me to kill myself, years ago when i was depressed he gave me a look as if to say 'just go and end it and put us all out of misery' and left me alone for long periods to give me the opportunity, its happening again, hes beyond caring if he pushes me too far he wants me gone.

no one in this world wants me, the only thing im upset about leaving is my rabbit, im so upset at him thinking ive abandoned him, im so scared for what life he will go on to have, ive already told him i will be waiting for him, humans are so bad I just want to be with my animals but away from everyone/thing else.

sorry my response is slow, im struggling alot through shaking and tears.

[raining]

I was thinking of ringing mindline, i think they are there on sundays after 8.00pm but im too shy, and what if my dad hears, he will lose it at me again, he will completely abandon me. then the realisation hits me that it wont make a single bit of difference. nothing can its too bad, I wanted to get away desperately yesterday, but i couldnt walk out the front door, too much fear plus nowhere to go. thank you so much for this thumper, but i dont want to burden you if you have other things to do.
I dont think im going to make it

[ghost]

hey mia..

i'm sorry you're in such a bad spot..
i don't know if it helps to know some of us out there really do get it.. have been in similar situations?
i also hang on for my pets..
because my hubby had a.d.d. and my family is so estranged from me i've had to get through lots of birthdays and holidays alone like you're describing.. it's devastating because even when you think you know what to expect, there must be some hope in the back of your mind that it will be different because suddently then it just hits you how forgotten your special day is.. and it is miserable..

the birthday when i was pregnant with my son everyone forgot..
even after i went all out for everyone else, and i was miserable with morning sickness.. in no position to strike out on my own with my agoraphobia and depression and poverty..

it may be you and your bunny against the cold cruel world, but there are a few of us caring ones out there!! even though it's very hard to find us among all the unkind ones..

it's also really hard whenever your therapist takes their vacation, i used to save up my crashes for then because it felt 'safe' somehow.. secret? i don't know, maybe just my normal defense mechanisms held out til i was alone.. it's awful to go through this all alone.. did your therapist leave a number for a colleague while he/she is gone? mine used to.. i was always too afraid to call, but maybe you are not?

we're around if you need us here!
sorry i may not have words of wisdom, but i at least hear you..


ghost

p.s.
bunny needs you!

[raining]

Im sorry ghost that you have experienced birthdays like that, when you have only a couple of people and even they dont attempt to show they care, your right in knowing what to expect but its still devastating isnt it, its not the material things, its the gesture, that you mean something, so there is the feeling of abandonment.
no my therapist didnt give me any numbers, Im a complete stranger to cuddles, but i seriously wish i had just one person right now.

thank you for the picture, and yes thumper, i would be in a far worse state had no one being here right now xxx

[ghost]

thumper,
her father is doing such damage!
i wish we had some way to lift her out of there and into a more benign environment..
it's hard enough for us without abuse on top of it all..
i hope we are helping a little?

ghost

[ghost]

Aug 3, 2008 13:11:55 GMT -5 raining said:

no my therapist didnt give me any numbers, Im a complete stranger to cuddles, but i seriously wish i had just one person right now.

i'm a hug chicken too..
but these paper hugs are safe and sincere!

[raining]

I really dont know what to say to them, When i know i have to talk to someone my mind goes blank and my emotions dry up. I really cant see what they can do. oh god theres just no way, what am i going to do

[raining]

thumper im in somerset

[ghost]

Aug 3, 2008 13:19:13 GMT -5 raining said:

I really dont know what to say to them, When i know i have to talk to someone my mind goes blank and my emotions dry up. I really cant see what they can do. oh god theres just no way, what am i going to do

this happens to me too, mia, i think it's a defense mechanism..
but it's horrible when you need help and it's like your own self guards against it, isn't it?

[raining]

Ive written down what im going to say to them, but if i tell them how close ive been the last couple of days do you think they will try and commit me? But i guess i dont have to tell them where i live or can they trace calls? ive heard people ringing nhs direct and they have taken action.

[ghost]

Aug 3, 2008 11:58:18 GMT -5 raining said:

another year and still the same loneliness and completely house bound. at my age i should be out celebrating with friends, but I havent had a friend for 8 years now so its never going to happen.

mia.. you have friends! some of us are just far away.. seems thumper is within reach..
you Should be celebrating your special day..
i also haven't had friends (except online ones) for years & years..
just kitties & my hubby/son..
so i know it's scary..

but what have you got to lose?


and we are here to help you call mindline too..

[ghost]

hey thumper,

doing better today!
working on my new art installation 'box of bees'..

i hope mia is making the call?
i'll check back here through the day..

i haven't gotten to my blog yet!
i'll go check there now..

ghost

[raining]

i rang it and it was an automated voice telling me there service is open, but then i got a clicking noise so i thought they where putting me through but after a while i lost my nerve and had to put it down. i feel like a robot now, my emotions have dissapeared because i was so scared. i guess they are busy right now. i will force myself to do it again in the minute though.

[ghost]

it's alright..
you're doing fine.. just try to think of that as a kind of defense your mind throws up at you thinking it's protecting you.. it'll wear off.. it always does! i call it 'auto-pilot'..

like thumper said.. take a deep breath and try again..
you might even mention to the person you speak with about it..
i'm sure they will understand..
ghost