Post by juniper on Oct 28, 2008 8:28:39 GMT -5
It has been really helpful reading everyones post. I think someone mentioned this before, but I feel a little more normal.
I (like many of you) have a lot of stories which are mostly dead to me, or I should say I am dead to them. I don't feel much about the past. I walk away from relationships out of dis-interest, always have. And now I am involved with an amazing man, we've been together for 2 yrs--and now I am starting to feel the same old pattern.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am mature enough to actually deal with these crazy f'ed up running instincts of mine. But I won't be going to therapy anytime soon. I've been to a few, and they are always horrified at my stories and act weird. Makes me feel like a freak. I feel like I have to appologize for my childhood. But it is what it is and I lived through it.
The thing that boggles my mind is how what one experiences in childhood can have such a strong, unshakable effect on a person...seemingly for the rest of a persons life! How my self worth was in the hands of ill-equiped parents.
A bit about the real me:
I feel like most humans are idiots, sad but true. I have always felt like an outsider. But I live a double life--If I told this to anyone in my sphere they wouldn't beleive me. The few people that are close to me know I'm a bit odd, but I think most view me as being compassionate, intuitive and generally likeable. Which I am--but it's objective commpassion, and I have great amounts of it. I think it is the only thing that has gotten me by. I feel love for others, and loved by others--but I can still walk away. I don't think it gets in deep enough. I don't trust people--at times I view them as a collection of patterns, and that's it.
I feel like I shouldn't be focusing on all of these negative things, or voicing this. But it's real, and gosh--It's really hard for me to read what I just wrote and own it.
Does anyone have any experience with this?
I (like many of you) have a lot of stories which are mostly dead to me, or I should say I am dead to them. I don't feel much about the past. I walk away from relationships out of dis-interest, always have. And now I am involved with an amazing man, we've been together for 2 yrs--and now I am starting to feel the same old pattern.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am mature enough to actually deal with these crazy f'ed up running instincts of mine. But I won't be going to therapy anytime soon. I've been to a few, and they are always horrified at my stories and act weird. Makes me feel like a freak. I feel like I have to appologize for my childhood. But it is what it is and I lived through it.
The thing that boggles my mind is how what one experiences in childhood can have such a strong, unshakable effect on a person...seemingly for the rest of a persons life! How my self worth was in the hands of ill-equiped parents.
A bit about the real me:
I feel like most humans are idiots, sad but true. I have always felt like an outsider. But I live a double life--If I told this to anyone in my sphere they wouldn't beleive me. The few people that are close to me know I'm a bit odd, but I think most view me as being compassionate, intuitive and generally likeable. Which I am--but it's objective commpassion, and I have great amounts of it. I think it is the only thing that has gotten me by. I feel love for others, and loved by others--but I can still walk away. I don't think it gets in deep enough. I don't trust people--at times I view them as a collection of patterns, and that's it.
I feel like I shouldn't be focusing on all of these negative things, or voicing this. But it's real, and gosh--It's really hard for me to read what I just wrote and own it.
Does anyone have any experience with this?