Post by sirjnj on Dec 8, 2008 19:23:32 GMT -5
Hello all
I looked about for somewhere for introductions but could not find one so here is where I fell.
My name is Joe and I am too many things to list. The emotional rules I have lived by are you are in sight of me or your don't exist as feelings are concerned. Even if you are in sight it does not matter much because it never lasts. Now with strangers I can handle and medicate that with my form of SI or compulsive use of sex. The problem that is driving me back to looking at myself again is it has begun to apply to my daughter who is away at collage. She is graduating this year so you can tell I procrastinate as well. She told us that she wants to stay in in Boston instead of coming home.
I just impulsivly sent an email to a therpist I do not know I found in one of the search for therpist websites which I will post below. I went to a therpist for 7 years and on our good bye interview I told him that as much as I did appreciate his help with some of my problems In my twisted head I had as much of an attachment to him as I have had with a prositute. I paid them I pay him and when the pay stops the connection stops. I was not trying to be mean but it is just my reality.
Here it goes
I am a 45 year old man and don't know if it is reasonable to expect things to get better
I am unable to form and maintain a relationship that does not involve forced proximity. Work I have friends but it does not matter how much I like that person and they like me. Once they are out of my site they leave, I leave it does not matter I just disconnect. What is causing me to even try is my daughter left for college over 3 years ago. We see here at the normal times of year considering but it is happening with her whenever she is away. It is like people don't exist if I cannot see them. I do understand were it started but that knowledge doesn't make a difference.
I saw a therapist and attended SLAA meetings for nearly seven years and when I stopped it was like every other relationship. Out of site out of mind. The background is I experienced both the loss of my father at age 5 and abandonment of two siblings at the same time. I was born into a blended family and once my Father passed the same day of the funeral his two children from his first marriage never returned or attempted to contact me again. They were12 and 18 and I was told that it was best for them at some point in my life. Even writing this I am choking back tears I'll do anything to keep these thoughts at bay and have with self physical discipline, porn and masturbation. I am self identified as straight and submissive man in the context of bdsm but not into the crazy pain stuff but self inflicted discipline has taken many physical forms since age 7.
The only other pertinent experiences is when I was in the 8th grade I had a guy friend from scouts for a few years. He was a couple years older then I. After being friends for a few years he taught me about masturbation and insisted that I be sexual with him which I submitted to. After a while of that he tried unsuccessfully to get a second boy to be sexual with the two of us. That boy responded differently then I did. He got very angry. Something about that enabled me to stop being sexual with Tom. That and Tom went to a seminary. Go figure. Years later I learned of another boy in the troop being sexually abused by one of the adult men there supposedly as a assistant scout master. Pictures were found and he went to Jail. So I figure the same thing happen to Tom. Years of therapy and meetings have enabled those demons and self thoughts to become just another experience that I can talk about would the pain and shame I used to feel.
Mom and I lived alone shortly after the funereal my other two siblings moved away but did stay a part of my life. Mom had her problems. She had untreated thyroid disease and was very hyperbolic emotionally and I quickly became indifferent towards her and ashamed of her then. Now she like everyone else I just don't care.but do retain anger and do not like being around her even thou she is as normal most today.
I used to think once my children turned 18 I would leave my wife as I used to harbor lots of misdirected anger towards her that too has lessened but our intimate life ended shortly after therapy started.
I have always run away or disconnect from things as I have shared. My children I have always told myself were my bond that kept me from leaving. I am afraid of what I am going to do now my youngest daughter turned 18. I want to remain married but my wife and I are on opposite ends of the physical intimacy spectrum of desires. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past but I have NEVER acted on them. I used to be on meds about 4 years ago risperdale but the compulsive comforting behaviors "Sex Addiction" were not lessened in the least. After 7 years I think the therapist decided that since I was not stopping there was nother he could do any longer. He told me that I did not need him any longer. In person I can be very netrual, calm, and easygoing\detached. I describe it as I have an inner circle that I will do anything for the people there and and outer circle of friendly indiffrance and nothing in between.
Even after writing this it is more likely I am just going to crawl back into my hole again and that is hurting me as I finish typing this sentance. I am sorry for waisting your time.
joe
Well thats it. Life has to be better then this
I looked about for somewhere for introductions but could not find one so here is where I fell.
My name is Joe and I am too many things to list. The emotional rules I have lived by are you are in sight of me or your don't exist as feelings are concerned. Even if you are in sight it does not matter much because it never lasts. Now with strangers I can handle and medicate that with my form of SI or compulsive use of sex. The problem that is driving me back to looking at myself again is it has begun to apply to my daughter who is away at collage. She is graduating this year so you can tell I procrastinate as well. She told us that she wants to stay in in Boston instead of coming home.
I just impulsivly sent an email to a therpist I do not know I found in one of the search for therpist websites which I will post below. I went to a therpist for 7 years and on our good bye interview I told him that as much as I did appreciate his help with some of my problems In my twisted head I had as much of an attachment to him as I have had with a prositute. I paid them I pay him and when the pay stops the connection stops. I was not trying to be mean but it is just my reality.
Here it goes
I am a 45 year old man and don't know if it is reasonable to expect things to get better
I am unable to form and maintain a relationship that does not involve forced proximity. Work I have friends but it does not matter how much I like that person and they like me. Once they are out of my site they leave, I leave it does not matter I just disconnect. What is causing me to even try is my daughter left for college over 3 years ago. We see here at the normal times of year considering but it is happening with her whenever she is away. It is like people don't exist if I cannot see them. I do understand were it started but that knowledge doesn't make a difference.
I saw a therapist and attended SLAA meetings for nearly seven years and when I stopped it was like every other relationship. Out of site out of mind. The background is I experienced both the loss of my father at age 5 and abandonment of two siblings at the same time. I was born into a blended family and once my Father passed the same day of the funeral his two children from his first marriage never returned or attempted to contact me again. They were12 and 18 and I was told that it was best for them at some point in my life. Even writing this I am choking back tears I'll do anything to keep these thoughts at bay and have with self physical discipline, porn and masturbation. I am self identified as straight and submissive man in the context of bdsm but not into the crazy pain stuff but self inflicted discipline has taken many physical forms since age 7.
The only other pertinent experiences is when I was in the 8th grade I had a guy friend from scouts for a few years. He was a couple years older then I. After being friends for a few years he taught me about masturbation and insisted that I be sexual with him which I submitted to. After a while of that he tried unsuccessfully to get a second boy to be sexual with the two of us. That boy responded differently then I did. He got very angry. Something about that enabled me to stop being sexual with Tom. That and Tom went to a seminary. Go figure. Years later I learned of another boy in the troop being sexually abused by one of the adult men there supposedly as a assistant scout master. Pictures were found and he went to Jail. So I figure the same thing happen to Tom. Years of therapy and meetings have enabled those demons and self thoughts to become just another experience that I can talk about would the pain and shame I used to feel.
Mom and I lived alone shortly after the funereal my other two siblings moved away but did stay a part of my life. Mom had her problems. She had untreated thyroid disease and was very hyperbolic emotionally and I quickly became indifferent towards her and ashamed of her then. Now she like everyone else I just don't care.but do retain anger and do not like being around her even thou she is as normal most today.
I used to think once my children turned 18 I would leave my wife as I used to harbor lots of misdirected anger towards her that too has lessened but our intimate life ended shortly after therapy started.
I have always run away or disconnect from things as I have shared. My children I have always told myself were my bond that kept me from leaving. I am afraid of what I am going to do now my youngest daughter turned 18. I want to remain married but my wife and I are on opposite ends of the physical intimacy spectrum of desires. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past but I have NEVER acted on them. I used to be on meds about 4 years ago risperdale but the compulsive comforting behaviors "Sex Addiction" were not lessened in the least. After 7 years I think the therapist decided that since I was not stopping there was nother he could do any longer. He told me that I did not need him any longer. In person I can be very netrual, calm, and easygoing\detached. I describe it as I have an inner circle that I will do anything for the people there and and outer circle of friendly indiffrance and nothing in between.
Even after writing this it is more likely I am just going to crawl back into my hole again and that is hurting me as I finish typing this sentance. I am sorry for waisting your time.
joe
Well thats it. Life has to be better then this