thumper.. from what i've seen with bipolar disorder you do not need to have the 'happy' highs people often describe.. and aggression/anger is hallmark.. but i'm not a pro.. i don't have bipolar, but when i was younger i seemed to get in touch with the anger that i never had until i was about 18.. and then watch out! it came out really bad & out of control for years.. i was violent and broke anything glass with my bare hands.. and my problem with self injury was at it's worst.. i was also taking alot of xanax at the time, which i think made matters worse rather than better? over time i gained self-control and i know i'll feel such regret.. say.. if i strike someone.. i nearly strangled my husband.. and i remember how seeing blood on my hands was the only thing to sort of shake me out of it at times.. so i've learned how to walk out at the right moment.. how to find support or an outlet long before that.. (it's been more than 15 years since all of that now..) most of the time i am really quiet and simply withdraw/dissociate in bad situations..
i have a side of me my husband calls the 'gunslinger' that is my disconnected defender.. like if it comes out it is for one reason only and that's not a good one.. it means some part of me is ready to deal with a perceived threat by any means necessary.. and it is an incredibly detached/unemotional unblinking arrogant side of me.. it feels like another person entirely.. i think it must be my purest ad side..?
i have depression and more depression.. in fact the only very few times i felt myself in what one could call euphoria it scared the hell out of me.. like i felt so anxious like my feet were no longer on the ground and it felt really wrong.. not happy at all.. so i don't know much about mania..
don't know if any of this helps? i post over at psychforums once in a while.. but often there are so few posts in the specific threads that everyone ends up posting in the top 'mental illness' thread just to get any response at all.. it is laid out kinda poorly i guess.. ghost