whatever it takes?

[ghost]

i know it sounds bad.. but i've been depressed and thinking of cutting.. the good news is my throat's better and i was able to cancel my appt with the ent.. bad news is the minute i cancelled i thought.. hmmm... now i can cut without getting questioned.. so i've been looking at psych listings.. drove out to one nearby just to see if i could get there myself since i still feel kinda lost here.. but then i chicken out on going to another therapist..

finally i just set up my long put-off annual physical/followup re: my heart with my regular dr.. that way it gives me a good reason to keep from doing anything s.i. at least till after that.. (feb 23)
so i guess.. whatever it takes, huh? one day at a time..
ghost

[ghost]

hard times here..
we're refinancing to try to take care of home repairs, pay off credit and fund dan's schooling.. stressful.. and a big conversation again up till 2 a.m. last night talking with him in tears.. it's hard here.. i wish i could jsut check out and be gone.. but he and kitties need me..
don't have any hope as far as therapy.. so many inexperienced people out there, how can i even imagine they are competent given my years of therapy experience with different counselors..
but there's nobody to turn to except thoughts of s.i. to get me through time..
and revenge fantasies.
ghost

[emma]

oh, man, ghost...
that is hard times

FFuucckkiinnngg MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mutha of all badness!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to think of you all crying together. Except it would be worse if you cried apart

We feel your pain here in NY. We are only a few years away from the same problems.

I'm thinking about you all ghost

[emma]

Also, about therapy...

Ghost, I always talk to K about you. She was so please (obviously - her face lit up, she asked rapid questions) that you were considering trying again. Then I reminded her of how difficult it was for me to find her....5 therapists in 5 months.

But then when I met her...first meeting I fell in love! Can you imagine how good it feels to say to her "I love you" and see in her face that it pleases her and hear her say "I love you too." ?

Ghost, find someone! There is someone out there for you. I believe it. But you must keep looking.

[ghost]

emma,
thank you for being there and being supportive of me..
my son has some of the same problems relating with his dad that i do and he's a real sensitive one like me.. it kills me to see him crying.. trying to help him not be as avoidant of socializing as i am.. but he has mild ocd/socialphobia.. i know that.. i remember him having a panic attack once on the drive to school when he was younger.. it just buries me to think of him inheriting my family problems with mental illness.. i want to be there always as his backup 'cause he trusts me so much..
but i gotta tell you i've gotten through the last several days only by being lost in long drawn out suicidal fantasies of my death and funeral service and burial.. sounds bad when i write it out..

john found another therapist nearby (not the licia doppleganger!).. and i'm going to at least see if she accepts our insurance..

i have this real fear that since i'm still white-knuckling this 'healthy' weight gain that once i put myself back out where someone is looking at me that i may plunge right back into having to lose weight and feel acceptable that way..
it's taken a long time to get to a healthy weight and establish at a set point where i stay even.. and i let it happen by reassuring myself that i could lose the weight easily if i needed to.. how many times have i proven that to myself..?
anyway..
thanks for being in my corner!
we should be a tag team you know like wrestling.. up against a coupla counselors.. i'll paint my face up with white and silver glitter.. "!viva la fantoma!" off the top ropes!!

ghost

[emma]

I hate the idea that you have consoled yourself with thoughts about death, but I have to admit, I do the same thing. Here is just one vote: please don't actually do it. Sigh.

I so want you to see a therapist, but I also want you to be choosey. K said to me about you "Ghost needs a very experience therapist. She should not see someone fresh out of clinic!" That there is sincere advice ghost. You do need someone whose been around the block along with someone you can relate to. Don't settle. It's worse for you or me to hook up with a bad/inexperienced therapist than no therapist at all.

[ghost]

emma said:

I hate the idea that you have consoled yourself with thoughts about death, but I have to admit, I do the same thing. Here is just one vote: please don't actually do it. Sigh.

I so want you to see a therapist, but I also want you to be choosey. K said to me about you "Ghost needs a very experience therapist. She should not see someone fresh out of clinic!" That there is sincere advice ghost. You do need someone whose been around the block along with someone you can relate to. Don't settle. It's worse for you or me to hook up with a bad/inexperienced therapist than no therapist at all.

i completely agree with this.. in fact it would be a complete waste of time, energy, and money.. the last thing i want is to be talking to someone and get the impression they know even less than i do about things.. it's hard here finding someone with anywhere near the experience even licia had..

and em.. i've always had this kind of ideation come and go.. i'm more afraid of it sneaking up on me in a strange moment of weakness, you know? but when my wits are about me i know i'm needed and that keeps me tethered..

drove by the other therapist's office.. poor area of town and farther away than i thought..
i'm just really wary..
ghost

[ghost]

i just reread this and realized what i said isn't exactly true..
only part of me fears that happening..
the other part closes my eyes and hopes that it does..

[ghost]

p.s. these little green guys are called 'bunchies'.. don't know why?

[na]

Emma, you talk about your K. like i talk about my K....hmmm, do we have the same K? lol