monday april 30

[ghost]

thought i should start a new thread..
i'm hanging around just outside the snowcave..
had a major migraine headache start last night, so if i dive in that's why.. i'm so sick of pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
also an old trigger from bdhp..
thought he lied to me.. a small one, but does size really matter with lies? he used to lie out of convenience to me about things big and small, and i thought we were long past it.. but once in awhile it seems like a 'same old thing' kinda lie is suddenly apparent, and my trust drops back down to zero with him..
when he doesn't want to talk about it or deal with it i just think he's trying to change the subject and he seems more guilty.. and honestly it's one of those little things you can't prove..
but i'm just so touchy when it comes to even little lies..
;D
so we're not great right now..
hope clover's court problems are not bad..
and pete, seems we're both on the outs with our s.o.'s..


we need new cooties..
hm..
ghost

[ghost]

meet the blue grouch



and 'disgust'

[ghost]

you know.. my thing with lying is this..
i believe we all lie in small ways..
i do it due to my agoraphobia/ad..
i mean i don't think anyone really wants to hear that i'm avoiding them or all about my problems, so i use little white lies myself..
and bdhp has a baddddd past history of lying.. so we really tried to tackle that one ages ago.. i always say.. if you lie and realize it.. cough it up and just say something like 'actually, it's this way' and i will just let it go.. you know? i mean, little things aren't worth lying to your s.o. about because it tears down trust..
if you are under the understanding that you're both being honest..
now if you're still at a place where you are not safe being that honest that is an entirely different thing.. sounds like where you're at, pete.. i don't believe we owe our open souls to anyone, even if we've done wrong.. it's clear you're trying to work through things with your wife, but that doesn't mean you must leave yourself wide open to be scoured alive from now on, you know? one can always say, 'i'd like to be more open with you, if i could trust that i wouldn't get slammed over and over' and that's honest, man! choosing not to be open is not lying..
that's all i'm trying to say..

making up stuff is lying..
especially since bdhp is so bad at it.. lol..

ghost

[ghost]

yes..
and there are some doors you may find you might have to just keep closed.. at least with her.. but open with a support person, a fellow 12 stepper, in confession or therapy or wherever you choose..
it's like keeping a boundary to keep yourself from getting abused emotionally.. your own guilt is enough.. and we really do have to take care of ourselves first.. that's healthy selfishness..
like on the plane in the old survival scenario when the oxygen mask falls down.. always put on your own before trying to 'help' put them on others..

i think that's the idea in 12 step programs too, isn't it?
well, watch your back..

ghost