missing someone.......2nd try....

[clover]

OK-- I'll try this again.... *sigh*....... wrote out a post last week, went to spell check and somehow-- *poof*-- my post disappeared!

It's been a year now since the psychologist I'd been seeing went on a vacation, he was gone for two weeks and for the first time he made himself totally unavailable. He had a collegue take any emergencies. Anyway-- upon his return he mentioned to me how one client was very upset that he couldn't contact him while he was gone. Then, he asked me if I was upset, if I felt I missed the sessions...... to which I replied-- "No, I'm not upset nor did I miss anything"..... the psychologist then noted something.

Well this has got me thinking........ just what does it feel like to miss someone....... is it sadness? an empty feeling? does it hurt? what?..... I'm not sure I know.... as strange as that may sound.

I've lost people that have passed away -- my only surviving grandparent when I was 8, a good friend back when I was in highschool, my dad, a sister and cousins...... I know the feeling of loss........ but......... when someone is living and they're away....... I tend to feel "blank" or if I think about it enough-- then I feel like they've passed away-- and I don't like that feeling-- so I usually just don't think about it and feel-- nothing, I guess.

Can I ask-- -- to anyone that would like to answer--- what does it feel like to you when someone is away? Could the lack of attachment when an infant/toddler and then childhood have something to do with not knowing how this feels??.....

thanks
clover

[ghost]

clover.. hi!
first of all.. that same thing has happened with my posts before.. so frustrating!

so let me just say what i always do now is i right click/copy before i ever go off of my 'post message' page for anything, including spellcheck.. that way if it vanishes i can just paste it back..

on the subject of missing others..
i have always felt we are all on a kind of AD spectrum, depending on the factor of whether we made any positive kind of early attachment vs. none.. i am lucky in that i had older sisters to fill in the gap a bit.. and one kind great grandmother..

i am someone that makes an attachment to others and they never even know it.. i miss people terribly.. but i never tell them and i imagine they never have a clue that i do.. since i never reach out to others.. i'm pretty solitary and always have been..
and when around others i am automatically detached from emotions for the most part.. (except anxiety!)

it's painful to me.. the last therapist i saw down in LA for more than 5 years i attached to.. so moving up north was very hard, but in part i did it to break the painful attachment! but i still miss her! ;D

with me, i feel like i am disappearing the longer the person cannot see me, like becoming less important, falling off the map.. and for sure that they will forget me completely... it feels like such a breakdown of the tentative connections i am able to make..
i am so used to being alone..
and yes i'm sure it has to do with ad issues..
i can attach, just not very well with most people..
the other 99% of people i remain completely detached from..
with the few i do attach to, it's so hard because i know they'll leave, so it's almost not worth having the attachment feeling..

i hope this helps?
ghost

oh, p.s.
a little bit of what thumper said, too..
like i believe they wouldn't want me 'bothering' them.. like it's a burden or annoyance.. when it is really supposed to be natural and ok..

[emma]

Hi Clover,

I like this question about missing people. Most of my relationships are fine. But often there is one "special" person in my life. When I am seperated from that person I experience an intense longing for them - a craving like for a drug I suppose. It is an ache that I think also resembles the feeling you have right at the moment just before you begin to cry. I need to have contact with that person, and the desire hits most of my senses - I want to see them, hear them, touch them, smell them. It is a hunger and it is very strong. I am exactly like a screaming baby - on the inside. On the outside, I hide it.

The feeling leads to rage because I cannot get these needs met and I become angry in proportion to the pain/loss I feel and I direct it toward that person. If you think about the screaming baby who began to cry because they wanted their mother, you notice that as the crying continues it becomes more intense and you can just see it transform into anger. That is me.

I also believe that I am unimportant to this person (more anger). No matter what that person says or does to reassure me. I can only calm down in their presence. The moment I have to leave the horrible cycle begins again. The reason I feel unimportant is because I need them to feel as intense a longing for me as I do for them. That is related to the need to eliminate boundaries and become "one" - as a baby naturally does with its mother. If I am hungry so are you. If I am cold so are you. If I love you utterly, you love me utterly.

My attachement style is preoccupied (have you taken that test?). Most people here are avoidant types. I don't avoid. I consume

In the future, I might be able to add some somatic descriptions to this - like how my body physically reacts. Not yet, but I think it would be cool to catalogue that as well.
Em

[emma]

now that I think about it, maybe your question was about how a normal person feels to miss someone.

When I am "normal" about someone I think the feeling is mildly bitter sweet. You would like to see them, but thinking of them brings to mind the things about them you like and it creates a nice feeling from memory.

My therapist says missing someone she loves is sorta like that. She said it brings her a "joyful" feeling about the person.

[clover]

Thumper, Yes! I have that rubbish in my head too-- "why would they want YOU to get in touch".........*sigh*......... I know that thinking very well. and yes-- I believe I'm "detached" too.
thank for replying and I wish you a good day/evening.

Hey there Ghost! Thanks for the posting tips-- I'll keep them in mind.
yes, I think seeing AD within a spectrum is spot on, as I'm sure it depends on the degree of attachment, to who the child is attached or the lack of any attachment. Oh dear, it must have been hard for you to leave your therapist then....... I'm sorry ghost. Thank you for replying, a reply is always helpful-- even if one just let's me feel I've been noticed(not that it's the case with this reply of yours-- as I was helpful in many ways)

Emma, wow-- your post was so interesting-- I understood it so well-- I can almost feel what it must be like for you to be away from your "attachment" person-- the screaming baby example helps so much. I'm sorry your feelings are so intense-- that must be difficult at times.
Yes, I did take that test-- I am, like you said - Avoidant-- ummmm... I think it was Fearful-Avoidant??? I'm not sure now--I know it was "avoidant" just not sure of the other description.... I'll have to go look it up-- got me wondering.........
Well, I posted to see if others feel as I do but also to see what "normally" missing someone would feel like--- and you answered both ways-- thank you!
So, normally-- missing someone is like "bitter sweet"? >>You would like to see them, but thinking of them brings to mind the things about them you like and it creates a nice feeling from memory.<<--- Gee, this is very interesting!! Thank you-- I've always wondered when someone says-- I'm going to miss you, or I've missed you-- what it really means. I've not been able to wrap my head around how it's supposed to feel.

I appreciate all your posts so so much!!.... am relieved that I wasn't told that I'm asking a dumb question.
thank you all

I'm trying hard to understand people, in hopes that I can better my relationships and my work history.

clover