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Post by ghost on Dec 27, 2006 14:08:25 GMT -5
thought i better come and dig out my little snowcave again.. just in case i need it later, it'll be here.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Jan 17, 2007 20:35:37 GMT -5
no biggie.. i just feel the need to go here a day or two.. too much of this world.. too lonely.. mean people online.. can't figure out what to do about my problems.. i dunno.. need an oblivion break i guess.. i'll be back later.. ghost/toxic
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emma
Full Member
Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Jan 18, 2007 6:35:55 GMT -5
A snowcave in the snowstorm. Sounds like the right thing to do I wonder who on line was mean to you? I've got my dukes up for ya. Just let me know
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Post by ghost on Jan 19, 2007 13:28:07 GMT -5
thanks, pals! **peeks out at thawing ice and snowmen falling over everywhere** just some christian bashers.. i never get used to it i guess.. and bad depression/fatigue.. bdhp took a sick day yesterday and stayed home just to help.. we went grocery shopping.. looking at psych listings but i'm not too optimistic.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Jan 24, 2007 12:20:14 GMT -5
no more. sorry i can't help it.. ghost & toxic are digging in deep.
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emma
Full Member
Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Jan 25, 2007 13:01:44 GMT -5
What's up? What's happening? I know my asking here is sort of a breach in convention...just thought you might check in here and I might coax you out.
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Post by ghost on Feb 6, 2007 13:21:10 GMT -5
these days i feel like i'm in & outta this snowcave so much i'm not much use.. but i'm trying to stay interactive through it.. ghost
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Post by ghost on Feb 6, 2007 16:25:01 GMT -5
you know, pete.. i don't want to drag anyone else down with me.. but i've just gone over the whole therapy idea so many times.. and i can't bear to invest myself.. (and the $ which comes much dearer up here than it did down in LA) if i can't find someone who seems really qualified.. i poke around looking for therapists and other support boards and reading.. too much i find the same problems.. over medicating people and people having such problems with the drugs or trying to get off of them.. and generalizations about ad sufferers or s.i. folks.. we're all just out of control with no impulse control you know.. ad to some means we have no conscience or compassion for others, are liars and manipulators.. i just get so sick of the dark ages.. i feel like maybe in 50 years there will be a decent approach to dealing with these things.. but i've seen how someone like my beloved elliott smith can just go along unhelped and then just die.. suicide.. without ever getting help.. just more damage done from drug treatments and overmedicating.. same old story i already know too well.. anyway.. i went on & on.. as an agoraphobic person i am just truly stranded here with my kitties.. i love bdhp, but he doesn't know how to help.. he's got his own problems to deal with.. my low trust has just gone to none with so called pros and just people generally i'm afraid.. i'm truly here just for my cats.. and in case my son still needs me.. i worry about his ocd/avoidant personality and our family dna.. i just want to see my son get past his 20's the way i did with no sign of the dreaded schizophrenia like my sister.. and it's bad, i know, but i even mentioned to him (my son) that i have no intention of outliving my cats whatsoever.. they are 6 & 7 yrs old.. sometimes i just truly want out.. and i'm weary of all the distractions.. i feel beyond help.. thanks for listening.. ghost
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emma
Full Member
Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Feb 8, 2007 21:58:43 GMT -5
Hey ghost, I'm sorry you feeling so down. You know where I stand on the therapy issue. I want you to try. But as always, I don't have much to show for it myself. I'm still aching and acting childish unable to trust, I struggle to love other people properly or allow myself to be loved too I guess. I can't string 2 weeks together without some terrible acting out with K as you well know Still, I feel like sticking with it is the right thing. Me, by myself? I can get really bad. I know it is hard on the $, and to find someone, and then the whole pain of going thru it. It really does seem to make you worse sometimes, but sometimes you get a glimmer of light too. What do you think about that "touch" therapy I mentioned in the daily thread? I hope you live a lot longer than the kitties. You know there are lots of little kitties that need someone to love them em
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Post by ghost on Feb 9, 2007 13:30:50 GMT -5
kitties.. yes.. i have made a promise to myself not to ever bring home any more of them because once i do i cannot ever leave them alone in the cold cruel world.. and how will i ever get away? i would be too chicken to do touch therapy.. i'm not used to touch and i'm shy about people seeing my scarred up old bones.. otherwise i'd go to a chiropractor if i could.. but if you are brave enough to go.. let us know if it helps? i know that as someone who has such problems falling asleep that on the few occasions bdhp gives me a backrub i fall like instantly into sleep it is so relaxing.. and my dr has commented on the ridiculous tension in my neck and shoulders.. i bet therapeutic massage/physical therapy or touch therapy would be wonderful.. go for it, em! maybe you will understand.. i've seen alot of psychs/pros.. licia was the only one i ever really felt like i wanted to talk to.. and you know how well that went.. even if i pick out one of these ridiculous people and survived the first meeting despite my complete lack of optimism or hope.. i don't know how i'd stop my own avoidance each and every time after that.. fuck it all.. i know i won't do it.
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emma
Full Member
Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Feb 9, 2007 18:10:18 GMT -5
Rats. Yes, I do understand. Before my bad experience, I had no idea what damage a bad therapist can do. I just really wish that licia and karen (that was my bad T - not EVER to be confused with K!), anyway, I just wish that they could know the harm they have done. Deeply know the way in which their inhumanity/incommpetence has changed the lives of their clients. Ghost, you certainly have suffered a greater loss with licia than I did to karen. I was only with her 7 months. On the other hand, she actually took action against me. That hurts, but at least I did not love her. You really cared about licia and spent so much time with her. I don't know how you ever got the guts to walk away and survive too. You know though...I'm always going to hold out the hope that you find someone who really appreciates how remarkable you are ghost and loves you all the way. Why not?
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Post by ghost on Feb 9, 2007 18:38:00 GMT -5
mr rogers used to tell me that... he's dead now. i'm just kidding.. i guess i don't mind someone that hurts me, if they love me too.. it's the nothingness i can't deal with.. took action against you? what'd she do?
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emma
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Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Feb 9, 2007 19:16:28 GMT -5
Maybe took action is a bit misleading. You remember my best friend in the whole wide world that I loved more than anyone I ever knew - M. Well, Karen was M's therapist. I went to her for a referral (because I assumed there would be a conflict of interest) and Karen talked me into seeing her. She never did help me and she adored M. Then M sent me a dear john letter and dumped me. I was going to commit suicide, but instead I decided to call my therapist who promptly told me that she knew everything that was going on with me and M and that she wouldn't talk to me anymore. (that was the night I discovered cutting. I was testing out how deep you had to cut and got mesmerized by the superficial wound) I just feel like Karen DID something to me. Its not like "things just unfolded" She HAD to be meeting with M and discussing me and deciding with M how to handle me and I'm sure they decided together to cut me loose and to write the letter to me. I never saw it comming from either one of them. Can you imagine me sitting there in therapy talking to this woman when just the night before she was scheming the most painful event of my life? As far as M? Just two weeks before this went down, me and my husband were helping M throw a surprise party for her boyfriend. We (my husband) bbq'd ribs and chix on the grill (coals with wood chips for real smoke, 5 hours slow cooking, his own rub, his own mop sause, his own bbq sauce) for 50 people. We paid for it all, did all the work, cleaned and served and yadda yadda. How do you let someone do all that for you when you know you are about to annihilate them? And believe me, she DID know I would be annihiliated. The weird thing is, that night we had a BALL! And just a week before that it was my 40th and my husband and I took M and a group of friends out to a really fancy place and just lavished like kings. Had an unforgettably good time that night too. So, long story... I never did see it comming. Bleck. I hate that story.
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Post by ghost on Feb 9, 2007 20:29:28 GMT -5
ohmygod.. you know i recall you saying that in so many words before, but i didn't have it in context i guess.. that's really painful just to read.. it's so 2 against one.. and you got set up somehow in all of it.. it's just wrong. i can't begin to understand that, em. on oprah yesterday they had all these people pushing the same deepak chopra thing.. you know.. thank the people that did these painful things to you and all that crap.. we make our own reality again, youknow? we'd really be some sick muthafukkers if we appreciated that kinda pain, huh? yeah, that'd make the cutting just seem like the party favors.. woo hoo! sorry.. i'm morbid these days.. "she cries when she's laughing.. she laughs when she's crying.." ghost
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emma
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Let's be independent together!
Posts: 111
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Post by emma on Feb 11, 2007 9:17:07 GMT -5
Hmm...the snowcave was a weird place for that story to come out. Thanks Ghost, it is a paniful story, it's also very jr. high school and I find that very embarassing.
There was a ripple effect from it also. M and I were sort of at the center of a close knit group of friends. When we destroyed ourselves, we destroyed the whole group. Lots of friendships changed or ended because it put people into impossible situations. I don't really see any of those people anymore, although we "keep in touch". But, they were part of my everyday life and I loved them all. Now, it seems, I'm a loner and up until this event I was never like that. Going on three years now. I don't have much hope that I will ever be like that again. I used to feel the ache real bad then too, but it would be interrupted by the joy I felt with my friends who I thought were so beautiful. They were my family. Most of them were very supportive of me during the "disaster" even though they were completely lost by what was happening. I just drifted away, and there was no helping the breakdown of the group. Its like a family that gets a divorce and is split up , I suppose. People still love each other, but you aren't a family anymore.
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